Who will be headlining at Catz Ball?

Last Saturday, the Catz Ball Committee announced that their headline act, Foxes, had pulled out of performing at the ball with only a week to go “due to a last-minute offer of a live TV appearance on the same day”.

The Committee have had the unenviable task of finding a new headline act in just seven days, and rumours of the replacement have been feverishly spreading around the college.

Here are the favourites:

1. Susan Boyle

Fans of Britain’s Got Talent have been dreaming of Big Suze absolutely smashing the main slot of 02:00-02:45am which was left open by Foxes (who aren’t all that anyway, whatever).

Is this too late a slot for Boyle’s big ballads? Her voice booming out across Arne Jacobsen’s architectural utopia would certainly be memorable.

Odds: 2/1

2. Tinchy Stryder

After Labirinth’s success at Magdalen Ball in 2012,  the Catz JCR and Hall have been awash with rumours of another washed-up British pop-rapper.

Tinchy hasn’t released an album for three years, or a good album for six years, so may well be in the price range of the Ball Committee.

But hey – let’s not hate. You can’t tell us that ‘Take Me Back’ featuring Taio Cruz and ‘Number 1’ featuring N-Dubz weren’t absolute bangers.

If this rumour has any truth behind it, we’re very excited.

Odds: 3/1

3. S Club 7

This rumour is slightly more tenuous – S Club split in 2003 and only since 2008 have three of its members, Jo, Bradley and Paul, been doing a fragmented circuit tour of student union gigs and nightclub appearances in satellite towns in the South-East.

That said there have been ‘sightings’ of 2, possibly even 3, members of the troupe in Catz’s famous Arumugam Bulding. One student, who wished to remain anonymous, told The Tab: “I was just going to check my pidge when I spotted someone stealing my Supermarket voucher – I’m pretty sure it was Jo O’Meara but before I could ask she was gone.  I was pretty pissed off because I wanted the discount entry, now I’ll have to arrive before 11pm.”

Given S Club were the soundtrack to many people’s Year 8 discos, an S Club Party would certainly be nostalgic, but we have to say that this particular dream will probably never come true.

Odds: 250/1

4. The Vengaboys

There have been a few whisperings in the Master’s Lodgings about the Vengabus romping down to Catz, especially given there’s such a large car park in which to fit it.

The Vengaboys performed at Trinity May Ball in Cambridge in 2012, as shown below, and are currently touring with new material, according to management.

2000 Oxford students in black tie fist-pumping to ‘We’re Going To Ibiza’ would be wonderful scenes.

Odds: 18/1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HpuOdD2M58s

5.  Danny Dyer

The thought of Danny referring to Catz as his ‘gaffe’ and the 2000 guests as a ‘mob’ have got tongues wagging in the Bernard Sunley Building.  The Tab understands that Dyer may take time out from his busy schedule of playing himself in Eastenders to deliver us a 6 hour DJ set.

In his last set at Rockefellas in Corby he mixed Altern 8’s Christmas hit into the Eastenders theme, hits sure to keep the Catz faithful happy.

Odds: 10/1

6.  Kevin Pietersen

Recently relieved of his England duties, there are rumours abound that the Catz Ball Committee are trying to entice this big hitter into a career behind the booth.  KP is married to superstar Liberty X singer Jessica Taylor, so prepare to expect something along the lines of ‘Drunk in Love’ by Jay-Z and Beyonce.

It’s widespread knowledge that Kevin has always wanted to visit Catz,  in particular the Mary Sunley building.

Kevin was once overheard on a tour of Sri Lanka by a Tab insider telling captain Andrew Strauss, “I’ve always wanted to lock my bike up in the racks just in front of it and run off into Scaff for some hash browns.”

Reports that his arrival will coincide with a changing of the ball theme to ‘Sportsmen and Women of the Noughties’ are as of yet unconfirmed, but welcomed by The Tab.

Odds: 17/2

7.  Robin Thicke

Banned from Teddy Hall and holding pariah status throughout the University, Robin Thicke would certainly cause a stir if he waltzed past the SSL singing “hey, hey, hey”.

Performing his best-selling (and über misogynistic) hit “Blurred Lines” would no doubt cause most to head for the lazer quest but at least the ones who stayed could throw their soggy Mission Burritos at him.

Odds: 1000/1

8. Anuba’s Neil Leonard

The most exciting story to run through both the Old and New Quads this morning was that the Committee had managed to acquire the services of famous Thames Valley DJ, musician and all round multimedia superstar Neil Leonard, pictured above.

Anyone familiar with the Bridge Bar & Club will have been treated to Lenny’s mix of old Britney tunes mixed with some Glee and YouTube mashups in the primetime slot of Anuba 11pm-midnight on Thursday evenings.

This is probably setting the sights too high however, so don’t get your hopes up.

Odds: 5/2

Who do you want to replace Foxes at Catz Ball?  Vote Below.