What your throwback kids’ party food of choice says about your general vibe
I’ve warned you: Don’t come near me if you choose tuna butties
Fine. I’ll say it. Food at a kids’ party is my seventh circle of hell.
The mess. The carnage. The mixed up flavours of crisps. The sloshing and spilling of blackcurrant OR orange cordial. The flattened sandwiches dripping in butter. The unhygienic fingers of children daubing things I might eat.
But worst of all: FOOD THAT DOESN’T GO ON A PLATE TOGETHER ALL FESTERING IN THE SAME BOWL.
Party Rings rubbing shoulders with little sausages is just bad vibes.
You can tell a lot about the kind of person someone is based off what they reach for on that kids’ party buffet. Doesn’t matter if it’s after a Wacky Warehouse sesh or two hours running across them big Total Wipeout inflatables in your local swimming baths, that kids party food buffet is looking the exact same. We all had the same scrans, whether you grew up in Margate or Manchester.
Here’s EXACTLY what your selection says about you:
You know what? A solid choice.
You can’t really go wrong with this one, and I respect that you’re a person who plays it safe when it comes to navigating the chaotic minefield of kids’ party food. You know where you stand with a sausage roll. And this isn’t the place to be a risk taker.
What is this, an Enid Blyton book!?
The war is over, we don’t have to eat air raid shelter food anymore. If you eat jam sandwiches you’ve got Royal Family fanatic energy.
A chic and timeless choice. You’re the epitome of glamour. You never go out of style.
Elite biscuit and elite selection.
Cubes of cheese on a toothpick
There’s just something a bit sad about impaled cheddar.
If you go for this, I’m getting violent tendencies from your character. Why do you want to see your cheese stabbed? Is everything okay?
Phwoaring. Wowing. Cradling. Scoffing.
Heaven on earth. Meat ones or Quorn ones. Elite. If you choose these you are soooo sexy and cool and funny and intelligent, no it’s true.
One measly slice of thin pork on some cheap white bread covered in butter? HARD PASS.
I love a ham sandwich from a proper butty shop. Nice bread, nice meat, lovely bit of salad. None of that to be found on this parry buffet though. Just thinly sliced layers of disappointment. If you’ve chosen this to go on your plate you’re a disappointment – just like the sandwich you’re chomping on.
Asda Smart Price margherita pizza
A sorry state of affairs. Basically just like a stale bit of bread with tomato sauce that manages to be dry and thin strands of cheese that doesn’t give full melting coverage.
If you choose this, I feel like you’re a person who just gets on with it. You know it isn’t going to be the best scran you’ve ever had, but you’re grateful to be present and screening pizza in the first place. An optimist through and through.
Chaotic food for a chaotic person. Too wobbly, too sweet, too slippy, weird texture to feel bouncing off the walls of your oesophagus after you swallow it.
You’re manic if you pick this and I’m unnerved to be in your presence.
Absolutely bored shitless. Couldn’t be more beige. You start speaking and I fall asleep. Sorry!
Selfish and evil. You want to stink out the party for everyone, huh? You want to breathe your fish stench breath in my face? Never darken me with your presence ever again.
You are absolutely off your tits. Bouncing off the walls on E numbers. I beg you, get a bottle of water. And brush your teeth.
Miscellaneous cheap crisps
Can’t be too mad about this. An essential. You appreciate the fundamentals in life. The brick and mortar of the kids’ party food plate.
You’re underwhelming, much like chicken nuggets on a kids’ party buffet.
Chicken nuggets are great. You reach for them full of hope. But a buffet is a static affair, and they’ve gone room temp. A lukewarm mouthful of chicken mush. All hype and excitement suddenly vanishes into the ether.
Fairy cake things from Tesco
A basic little cake with a stingy blob of icing slapped on? SIGN ME UP!
These hit different. Pink ones reign supreme, white hit the spot and yellow I’m not saying no to. Congrats on being a fucking great vibe!
Strawberry Fruit Shoot
I’m sorry, no. You’re not coming to any more parties. This is truly the devil’s juice. Go and sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done.