This is what your choice of cocktail says about you
Please don’t choose an espresso martini
When it comes to picking a drink, cocktails are the elite choice. Spirits and mixers are basic, wine can be expensive or pretentious, and it’s about time that we admitted that beer just doesn’t taste good (and doesn’t make you look cool either). The person drinking a Sex on the Beach will never have a dead pres playlist, leave the club after 30 minutes or refuse a late-night kebab.
Cocktails are so much more than just drinks, they’re the backbone of any good night out, the cure to a breakup, the perfect first date drink and an instant boost of happiness. Your choice of cocktail could not be more crucial and it’s important that you form a strong alliance to your cocktail of choice – as loyal as you are to your cocktail, as loyal it will be to you.
Your choice of cocktail is also a statement about who you are. If your go to drink is a Pornstar Martini you can rest safe in the knowledge that you have good taste and have chosen one of the best cocktails to ever have been created. By contrast, if you’re a fan of an Espresso Martini, you’ve signed yourself up for a life of simmering resentment and disappointment. No one will ever think you’re quite as cool as you think you are.
Without further ado, here’s exactly what your cocktail of choice says about you.
It’s the staple drink of Fiat 500 Twitter. Liking a Pornstar Martini is a lifestyle. Vodka, passionfruit and vanilla run through your veins and you’re rightly unashamed that this cocktail makes up a sizeable amount of your personality.
Everybody on your socials is kept informed about your drinks (you’ve posted a boomerang, a picture and a selfie all within five minutes of it arriving at your table), and your love for the cocktail is an extension of your love of all things basic. You adore TikTok, Nando’s and Molly Mae, and are working towards the creator fund just so you can feed your addiction to Pornstars. Slug and Lettuce’s 2-for-1 deal is the only thing saving your bank account.
Sex on the Beach
Sex on the Beach is the queen of cocktails that don’t taste like alcohol. It’s well and truly a top tier drink.
If you love this cocktail, you probably slightly resent buying a Sex on the Beach when you go out as you’ve got the recipe down yourself and can make litres of the cocktail in under five minutes.
You’re 100 per cent the mum friend. You can mix your signature drink, solve dilemmas, give relationship advice and effortlessly organise a group trip all whilst watching an episode of The Chase. You love a bargain and are always first to offer to sneak drinks in to a pub, and if your bag’s big enough you’ll bring the ingredients for your own Sex on the Beach (you can make this at home, you know). Your pres are so good that going out actually feels like a waste, unless they’ve got special offers on cocktails.
A Strawberry Daiquiri is nice, but it’s just nice, and therefore only acceptable on a very hot day in the summer.
If your favourite cocktail is a Strawberry Daiquiri, you’ve either only been out a handful of times, still shop in Claire’s Accessories and picked the safest option off the cocktail menu, or you are genuinely loyal to the sickly sweet drink from your early days of going out and have forgotten what good cocktails taste like. If it’s the first, just wait until you don’t need to use a fake ID to form a cocktail alliance. If it’s the second, then you are much better than a Strawberry Daiquiri. Live a little.
If you drink Mojitos you’re an adult. A proper adult. You’re probably an artsy type and go for after work drinks where you and your similarly together friends love to discuss politics and current affairs over your Mojitos.
You wear impeccably put together outfits that are as organised as you, have colour-coded stationary, and can confidently pull off wearing hats. Only people with mortgages and financial security can handle that level of lime and mint zest.
A Pina Colada is the ultimate sad girl or sad boy drink.
You just want to be on holiday and can only find happiness with your eyes closed, listening to house music and drinking a Pina Colada whilst you pretend you’re still in Zante ‘16. Your tweets consist of angry takes about Love Island and/or football, while your Instagram is dominated by repetitive throwback pictures from your holidays. If you don’t tweet “take me back” on the hour every hour, something’s very wrong.
Espresso Martini drinkers really, really want to be Mojito drinkers but lack the confidence. Incessantly posting about how much money you make (always through a pyramid scheme or Forex trading), does not hide the fact that you just haven’t grasped adulthood.
The only exception to this rule is if you’re over 30 and work in an office. No one under 30 genuinely needs or enjoys bitter coffee mixed with pure vodka, and if you say you do, you’re lying to yourself.
Long Island Iced Tea
You’re either middle-aged or old way before your time.
You’ve been in a long-term relationship since you were 13 and have a list of potential baby names that you’re planning to use in the not-too-distant future. You probably also think that Cath Kidston is the height of fashion and décor, and dream of one day serving Long Island Iced Tea from a Cath Kidston jug in a house exclusively decorated in florals and beige.
Your idea of a good night is a good night in, watching Downton Abbey reruns and the Instagram stories of your friends who still leave the house. Despite its innocent name, a Long Island Iced Tea is lethal and anyone drinking this cocktail is looking to take it too far (you probably don’t get out often).
People who drink Margaritas are unknown entities, and honestly, a bit scary (anyone who drinks tequila for fun lives on the edge).
All your clothes are “sourced” from Depop or charity shops and you exclusively listen to indie bands that no one has heard of (the Arctic Monkeys are a guilty pleasure for when you’re feeling basic). Margarita drinkers will either grow up and calm down to be Mojito drinkers or continue to drink tequila based cocktails with grim commitment, despite knowing that a Sex on the Beach tastes far nicer.
I don’t drink cocktails
The only excuse for not drinking cocktails is sobriety, and you can at least have a mocktail to make the effort. Anyone who doesn’t drink cocktails out of choice is missing out. Stop being boring.