crisp flavours, the ick

Right sorry but if you eat these crisp flavours you give me the ick

Please keep your dusty fingers away from me

I can’t handle crisp fingers.

You know what I mean. After someone’s been rummaging their hand in the packet for 10 minutes and they emerge with all that dusty crumb covering their digits. And then you have too sit and watch them slowly lick it off, finger by finger. But some of it is just too sticky to get with a lick and a suck and you can still see the residue lurking on the tips.

It’s vile.

I love crisps! I love crisps too much, if anything. But only if the bag of choice is off my meticulously curated approved flavours list. And if I see any other rancid flavours, the ick rears its head faster than my dog does when I’m eating my tea. It’s game over.

So, if you find yourself ever reaching for a bag of any of the below, just stay out of my DMs. For all our sakes.

Salt and Vinegar Chipsticks


What flavour are these? Acid rain?

These would burn a hole through my cheek if I put one in my mouth, and therefore, if you eat them, I’m a bit concerned about your taste level. Are you attracted to pain? It’s a red flag. Ick has arrived.

Pickled Onion Monster Munch

First things first, pickled anything can get in the bin. Crisps or no crisps. I’m staunchly against keeping vegetables in vinegar.

I’m afraid I simply cannot pursue you romantically if when you want a snack you choose some obnoxiously sized maize claws seasoned in a flavouring that seeks to emulate ONIONS that have been festering in VINEGAR.

Worcester sauce

Crisps, Worcester sauce

Right, I’ll be honest. I don’t have a clue what Worcester sauce is. Never tried it and never will. And will never date a man who eats crisps flavoured with it either, on that note.

Roast chicken

Okay, this one unnerves me because they don’t taste like actual roast chicken in any way, shape or form. Roast chicken crisps couldn’t tell you what a chicken tasted like if their life depended on it.

So… you’re eating crisps that are just a made up flavour. You’re eating a lie. And if you can allow lies, how can I be in a relationship with you?

Scampi and Lemon Nik Naks

Nik Naks

I need to know right now who went out for a crap pub tea, ordered a plate of scampi, bit into it and went “get this on crisps.” It’s so unsettling.

Worse still is the colour of the bag. Why are you tucking into a flavour marketed so radioactive?

Them Doritos that are a roulette with one super spicy crisp in the mix? Or something?


So they’re cheese but every so often you might get a crisp that’s really spicy?

Why are you playing games with your food? You’re an adult? Grow up?

Literally any flavour of Pom Bears

I actually think Pom Bears are really nice, but they’re for children. I can’t take an adult seriously eating them in front of me. Too juvenile. Get off Tinder and get back to primary school!

Stupid festive varieties

Crisps, the ick

Whoever at M&S decided to create prosecco and wild berry flavoured crisps, I’ll see you outside.

These flavours are just attention seeking. Nobody is that festive that they want to eat drink flavoured crisps just for the sake of Christmas, and I you do, you’re not the man for me.

Anything that tries too hard to not be a crisp

Somebody I live with has been eating Seabrook cheese & bacon loaded fries. But the thing is, Seabrook, they’re not fries are they. They’re just sticks of maize.

I did get the ick when he bought them, but if there’s one thing I’m not it’s stubborn. So I tried them. God awful. And they fucking stink.

When Walkers do any of those chaotic flavours, but specifically, the CHEESEBURGER ones

the ick, crisps

Okay, cut the shit Walkers. There’s no way you can put the flavours of an entire burger onto one measly slice of potato. You know it, I know it. The jig is up.

These just taste of gherkins and old cheese. If you could sit in front of me and unabashedly eat a bag of these without being mortified, I would to some extent respect your audacity. But audacious or not, I’ve got the ick.

If you eat any of these flavours though – you’re sexy x

Chilli Heatwave Dorito’s, Thai Sweet Chicken McCoy’s, Flamin’ Hot Monster Munch, BBQ Beef Hula Hoops, Sweet Chilli Sensations, Texas BBQ Pringles and WALKERS prawn cocktail (will accept no other brand for prawn cocktail). Call me.

Recommended stories by this writer:

• What your controversial British crisp opinion says about your general vibe

• Which packet of crisps are you, really?

• Vote: Which British crisps actually belong in the Pyramid ranking?