The 11 people you always met at your tragic year 11 house parties

There was always one girl handing out bread


The year 11 house party is peak British culture. Every party is the same – Bonkers is playing in the background, girls are wearing black body con dresses with trainers necking a bottle of Echo Falls and someone is definitely throwing up in the loo whilst someone else hurries round with the Kingsmill 50/50 loaf acting as if they’ve just graduated from medical school.

Outside people are stomping over your mum’s tulips, pretending they’re super wasted and thinking they are the epitome of cool whilst doing their first balloon.

The parties were the same no matter where you were in the country or what year you were in, apart from the Smirnoff Ices graduating to actual Smirnoff. And at these parties there are always 11 people you will encounter. There’s the medic, the lightweight and of course the popular girl who will start a fight because you looked at her boyfriend.

These are the 11 people you always ran into at a tragic year 11 party whilst Mr. Brightside plays:

The medic

Most likely to say: Now can someone get some bread and a large glass of water

They’re the one who will actually hold your hair back whilst you’re throwing up. However they do tend to have a major hero complex where they shout orders down the stairs demanding for someone to get bread for the girl who’s overdone it on the WKD. They essentially think they work for the NHS, when in reality they’ll grow up to be your overbearing boss you bitch about on Friday drinks.

They do their homework on time, are working towards their Gold DofE and you just know they’re going to finish school with 11 A*s.

At the party they will probably chat more to the host’s parents than friends, and will call your parents to come and collect you, saying you’ve got an “icky” tummy.

The therapist

Most likely to say: She’s crying! She’s crying! Right get out! Don’t crowd her

Slightly different to the medic in that they don’t deal with sick, they deal with tears. They truly think they have the best advice to offer which usually just consists of telling you to dump him. Thanks Jessica, hadn’t thought of that one.

They don’t actually care about your problems that much, just the attention it brings them by looking like a caring individual. They’re probably one of the popular girl’s best mates and will ditch you as soon as Jake starts trying to chat them up.

The lightweight

Most likely to say: Oh god guys I’m sooo drunk

Bless them, they really try. This is probably their first party and so one sip of the Sourz they act as if they’ve downed a whole bottle of whiskey.

Or they making being a lightweight their defining personality trait, constantly pretending to have a hangover the next day.

The mess

Most likely to say: Nothing, she’s puking up in the loo

Unlike the lightweight, the mess is actually pissed after finishing her Echo Falls the first hour in. It’s sad she spends most of her night cuddling the toilet, because she’s always the most fun to be around.

She loves the sesh, loves a game and will always be up for a shot. By the time she gets to uni she’ll be a perfectly seasoned drinker.

The one who has to go early

Most likely to say: Bye guys my mum is outside

They had to beg their parents to let them go to the party. They usually turn up first because their parents don’t understand that 7:30pm start time actually means turning up at 9:30pm.

They bring a solo WKD and spend the evening begging you for a sip of your Barcadi Breezer. But you don’t need to worry too much, their mum will be at the door – yes she actually goes to the door – at 10pm, so you’re sharing doesn’t need to last long.

The popular girl

Most likely to say: Who invited them??

The house party is the peak of the popular girl’s school existence. Everyone wants to chat to her and she never needs to bring her own drinks because everyone will offer them hers.

If she does bring her own Lambrini it’ll be because her older boyfriend who has a car bought it for her. She will definitely cheat on said boyfriend but deny the whole thing on Monday morning in a patronising tone.

She’ll look down at you and question why you were even invited to the party in the first place. The bathroom is her base and you can expect a queue to form outside. She and her girl gang are inside applying lipgloss, bitching and coming up with their plans to pull the fit new guy. You give up and go pee outside.

The DJ

Most likely to say: Something about his trip last year to Reading Festival

This guy thinks he KNOWS music and will constantly be asking to turn the speaker up. He wants to take control of the playlist and will badger you until you give over your phone so he can play some intense music you “wouldn’t understand”.

In reality he just plays Macklemore and will end up at Bristol Uni where he eventually finds his “people”.

The boy who gets with five girls

Most likely to say: Something 15-year-old you would think is impressive

This boy is at the party on a mission and that mission is to pull. He is not fussy, he will get with anyone – he just wants to get those numbers in.

He’s probably called Jack, Liam or Chris. Everyone has a crush on a him which works to his advantage as he can essentially walk up to any girl talk to them for two minutes before sticking his tongue down their throat. He is usually found in the bushes outside with his fifth girl of the night.

Naturally he becomes a rugby boy at uni and continues this dating style for years to come.

The awkward guy

Most likely to say: Nothing, he doesn’t want to be there

The quiet one of the group who was dragged there by all his mates because he’s guaranteed to be able to get them a lift later.

He will spend all evening in a mood and will get super pissed off at you if you spill so much as a drip of vodka on his top.

The guy sitting outside high on balloons or weed

Most likely to say: Anyone got a lighter?

He probably wasn’t invited but no one is going to turn him away as he is the only one with any kind of drugs.

He doesn’t even enter the house, instead coming in by the side gate and spends his whole evening in the garden talking about how corrupt the government is.

The host running around panicking about her mum’s bowls

Most likely to say: Guys be careful! Put that down!

This party was going to put her on the social map and finally impress the popular girl. However she spends all evening telling people off for being in three feet of her mum’s china cabinet.

This continues all night until the last few hours when she decides “oh fuck it” and downs five Sourz shots. The next morning she has to explain to her parents why their wedding china is smashed in the garden.

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