Love, Guaranteed is the dumbest thing on Netflix right now and let me tell you why

How can anyone afford 1,000 dates??

If you haven’t already watched Love, Guaranteed on Netflix, don’t. If you have? I am so, so sorry, and I will be starting a support group for us all. Love, Guaranteed is categorically the dumbest thing on Netflix right now – I watched it while hungover, which is prime time for trashy film-watching, and got zero enjoyment out of it. Not an ounce of fun. Nada.

Love, Guaranteed is the newest romcom offering from Netflix – and I use “romcom” in the absolutely loosest sense of the word possible, because as far as I can tell there is no romance, just cringe, and zero comedy. If you didn’t know, here’s a brief plot summary: Man signs up to dating app that says love with be guaranteed (you see, that’s where the title comes from! Wow!) after 1,000 dates. He goes on 1,000 dates. He does not find love, possibly because he is the kind of deranged person who goes on 1,000 dates just to prove a point. He wants to sue the dating app because he hasn’t found love. Spoiler alert: He falls in love with the lawyer he hires. I don’t know either of their names, because that’s how un-memorable it is.

Sound awful? That’s because it is. It’s one hour and 24 minutes long, so you know it’s bad when they can’t even drag it out to an hour and a half.

Here’s all the reasons why Love, Guaranteed is the dumbest film on Netflix right now:

The Netflix description is diabolical and Love, Guaranteed only gets worse from there

“After 1,000 first dates, he’s still single. So’s the lawyer he hires to sue his dating app. All evidence points to romance.” Ha, evidence. Do ya get it? Because she’s a lawyer. Cracking pun, good work Netflix. I should have read this and never clicked “play”, but alas I did not.

The guy’s been on 1,000 dates – how much time and/or money does he have???

love guaranteed, netflix

1,000 dates is a date PER DAY for 2.74 years. (Yes, I did the maths.) That’s every single day, including Christmas, your best mate’s birthday and those days when you’re far too hungover to even move, let alone go on a date with a complete stranger. He also says he has “breakfast, lunch and dinner dates” to save time – even if you did go on three dates a day, this would still take almost a year to complete, which is quite frankly ludicrous.

I barely have the time to go on a date a week, let alone three a day – does this man not have hobbies? Friends? A job???? He must have a job, because how else would he have the money to spend on this absolutely ridiculous number of dates? If anyone knows of a job that pays enough for you to have dates three times a day, but also involves working so few hours you have the time for all these dates, please point me in its direction because I am very much interested x

He’s also named all his dates like they’re Friends episodes

He has entire files for each of his dates, complete with notes and photos of them, like he’s some kind of serial killer. He’s also labelled each one “The one where…”, literally as if they’re episodes of Friends, not actual women with entire lives and personalities.

The outfits are all HORRIBLE

Honestly, this could be an article all on its own. They are appalling.

Exhibit A – red coat, with bright green hat, bag and phone case:

love guaranteed, netflix

Exhibit B – she really likes the red and green combo:

love guaranteed, netflix

Exhibit C – whatever is going on here:

love guaranteed, netflix

The lead actors have zero chemistry

It’s so fake. At one point, her sister’s waters have broken and they’re not even trying to sort getting her to a hospital to give birth. No, they’re just standing there having weird forced flirty banter, whilst her sister is literally just IN LABOUR sat there next to them.

The guy also kisses her on the forehead at one point, which is bordering on creepy and really just quite weird.

I’m sorry but the Love, Guaranteed app just looks like pure shit

love guaranteed, netflix

Didn’t realise it was the year 1997

The neon green background. The logo. The font. And who even uses dating websites when apps exist?? I’m not surprised you can’t find love if that’s where you’re choosing to look for it.

Look, I’m not expecting the film’s tech department to create the next Hinge, but at least make it look believable.

It’s also apparently run by someone who is just clearly their BTEC version of Gwyneth Paltrow

Oh wow, a blonde influencer/”lifestyle guru” who speaks about her time in Asia and gets people to eat almonds and steam their vaginas. I wonder who that could be.

It actually shows him on one date, and he’s pure trash

love guaranteed, netflix

He asks for a glass of wine, then looks at something his date does and he says to the waitress: “Better make it a bottle”. I’m sorry but that is SO rude – imagine your date looking right at you and then blatantly asking for more alcohol just because he knows he has to sit with you for however long.

This is an actual thing he says to the girl on the date: “Did you hear the one about the greedy clam? He was a little shellfish”. And then he looks offended when she doesn’t laugh, as if she wouldn’t be well within her rights to stand up and leave the date right there and then. If he’s used this line on all 1,000 dates, it’s no wonder he hasn’t got anyone to like him.

He’s spent OVER $100,000 on his dates

This revelation comes halfway through the film and I’m sorry but WHAT. Why is he suing them if he had $100,000 to spend on these dates in the first place? Surely if you needed the money that badly you would just, oh I don’t know, not go on 1,000 dates and save your ONE HUNDRED GRAND to spend on whatever he says he needs the lawsuit money for?

They ‘love’ each other but they haven’t even kissed

The entire film is ridiculous, but this is the most unbelievable part. They’ve had dinner once, and it wasn’t even a date. They haven’t kissed, unless you count the weird forehead-kiss, which I very much do not. They haven’t had sex. But they say they’re in love with each other. How can you be in love with someone you’ve never shagged? It’s scientifically impossible.

Then there’s some very rank PDA which I am very much not here for

After announcing their love to one another in front of an entire courtroom of people, including the judge, jury and, for some reason, her entire family, they just get off. For ages. Still in the courtroom. Still in front of the judge, jury and her entire family. Then everyone stands up and cheers?? I hate it so much.

Then they go outside and do it again in front of a bajillion journalists and TV cameras.

They don’t even win the lawsuit

Sorry but what was the point of this film? Why have I just sat through 84 minutes of pure trash for them to not even win?

See, they say the two fell in love because of the app – so the guy did find love through the app. Vom. And everyone’s just happy about it? Because they’re “in love”? I’d take $500k over being in love with Mr Cringe who I’ve never even kissed ANY day of the week.

When the film finally ends, there’s this awful ‘disclaimer’ just before the credits

This is the God-awful end screen before the credits roll – “Disclaimer: Love is never guaranteed. Side effects may include” such vomit-inducing things as “snuggles, warm fuzzies, Netflix and chill, sharing one toothbrush, matching sweaters”. Thanks but no.

It lists some gross ones, like “morning breath” and “manscaping”, but also some downright awful ones, like “self medication” and “negging”. I may be wrong but last time I checked, you shouldn’t have to self-medicate because of your partner, and they definitely shouldn’t neg you. Maybe that’s just me, though.

No, just no

Inexplicably, “Adele” is also one of the side effects. Yeah, I don’t know either.

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