Dissecting all the bizarre moments from Robert Pattinson’s car crash profile in GQ

I just…love him?


In what ended up being the best profile of all time, Zach Baron, a senior staff writer for GQ, interviewed Robert Pattinson while he’s in quarantine in London. If you follow anything about Robert Pattinson, or have read previous Robert Pattinson interviews, you could hazard a guess that he’d actually be quite well suited to months of state-imposed self isolation. The GQ article only confirms this. The profile is formed of excerpts from Zoom interviews, pictures taken by R Patz himself and a live cooking demonstration of a very strange pasta, because Robert Pattinson wants to set up a fast food pasta business. I know those three sentences sound like they came out of a bot that automatically generates weird things Robert Pattinson does, but they’re very much real.

As we all know, Robert Pattinson generally has a pretty wild approach to interviews. He really seems like he doesn’t care at all, but at the same time you get this slight feeling like it’s all a big game to him. That maybe we are all puppets and he is our puppeteer, pulling the strings of our strange celebrity fascination by making us read about him cooking pasta in a microwave and subsequently setting it on fire. If you can’t tell – the pasta sequence is the real climax of the piece. However, the devil lies in the details, and after analysing the interview at length I truly feel that I might be starting to understand Robert Pattinson. And now you can too! (I have every hope that he reads this, and if he does, that sentence is his worst nightmare).

He needed three people to call him to remind him to call the GQ guy

In the introduction we get to see the shape of things on Robert Pattinson’s end. He’s in isolation in London, in an apartment that The Batman producers found him, being fed meal plans by The Batman producers and has only the company of his girlfriend (?????? This was a big surprise to me since last we heard was FKA Twigs but it’s okay. I’m fine. It’s cool. I’m totally alright. Don’t touch me.)

This sounds relatively un-chaotic, but in reality, he needed three people to call him to remind him to call the GQ writer interviewing him and his internet is very poor. He’s got two phones and a laptop and only one of them is getting service. He’s supposed to be working out for The Batman role but he is not.

Then we see the first few pictures in the Robert Pattinson interview and uhhhhh

One of the best parts of this Robert Pattinson interview is the notes on what he is wearing, including: “Scarf (worn on head) $270” and “Flip flops (his own)”.

Then he talks about acting for a bit and says he only wants to play men with black hair

R Patz has strong feelings about the hair colour of the characters he plays. Not the literal hair colour, but the vibe they exude and how that usually is aligned to the hair colour black. Strictly no blonde men allowed. The interview says: “He [Pattinson] figured out that he was getting offers for the blond guy when he wanted to be the other guy: ‘I basically always wanted the roles which called for skinny guys with black hair.'” The writer then very appropriately sums up his past roles, saying: “He was playing innocents, strivers, outsiders, people who drooled and cried and jerked off.” Fair play from GQ here that’s very accurate.

He says he’s scared of being arrested because you’re ‘not allowed to go outside’

R Patz told GQ: “I’m so terrified of being, like, arrested. You’re allowed to run around here. But the terror I feel from it is quite extreme.” Does he know he’s in London? Where you can run? Like, legally? Someone get in contact with this poor man and tell him!

Then we get the first glimpse into his eating habits

So he mentions that he’s on The Batman meal plan, but goes into the meals he eats, saying: “Like, I eat out of cans and stuff. I’ll literally put Tabasco inside a tuna can and just eat it out of the can. I… It is weird, but my preferences are…just sort of eat like a wild animal. Like, out of a trash can.” I love him.

He’s just gunning cokes and pieces of Nicorette gum for the whole interview

Prime chaotic energy here. The article says: “Today he’s wearing a black Carhartt hat and a white T-shirt and is alternating pulls of Coca-Cola with pieces of Nicorette gum—just one after another after another.” The difference between your MCM and Robert Pattinson is just a couple hundred million in net worth.

He drinks ‘5000’ cups of coffee before interviews, which makes a lot of previous Robert Pattinson interviews make sense

According to the interview: “Pattinson says he used to drink 5,000 cups of coffee before interviews like this one, do them, then collapse afterward ‘and sleep for two days.” This man truly wishes he could live in a cave.

R Patz told GQ: “I liked saying sort of provocative things ’cause I thought it was funny.” Ahhhhh finally some clarity on all of his mental interviews during the Twilight press tour where he essentially tore the franchise apart. I can finally rest.

When he calls the emotion of fear ‘spicy’

When he’s talking about the fear of playing such a big legendary character in Batman he tells GQ: “It makes you a little kind of spicy.” He then laughs and his phone dies so the interview is cut short. You really can’t write this shit.

Then we get to the pasta

As I said, the climax. This is how it begins. Zach Baron, the interviewer, writes: “I wish I could tell you whether what I’m about to describe here is a bit, or a piece of performance art, or is in fact sincere—even now, I don’t totally know. I think parts of it are real and parts of it can’t be real.” If only one sentence is needed to sum up R Patz, it’s this. It also is a sign that the article is about to get really good.

He explains that he tried to set up a fast food pasta company but nobody could understand his genius

This bit of the Robert Pattinson interview does not require commentary. Just read.

GQ writes: “Last year, he says, he had a business idea. What if, he said to himself, ‘pasta really had the same kind of fast-food credentials as burgers and pizzas? I was trying to figure out how to capitalize in this area of the market, and I was trying to think: How do you make a pasta which you can hold in your hand?’

“He says he went so far as to design a prototype that involved the use of a panini press, and then, he says, he went even further, setting up a meeting with Los Angeles restaurant royalty Lele Massimini, the cofounder of Sugarfish and proprietor of the Santa Monica pasta restaurant Uovo. ‘And I told him my business plan,’ Pattinson recalls, ‘and his facial expression didn’t even change afterwards. Let alone acknowledge what my plan was. There was absolutely no sign of anything from him, literally. And so it kind of put me off a little bit.’ (Massimini says: “It’s 100 percent true, everything he told you.”)”

I wish there was another word for chaotic. I really wish there was. Google’s automatic synonyms just aren’t doing it any justice right now.

Then he does the live demonstration, with very interesting ingredients

You know it’s going to go badly when he announces that he bought cornflakes instead of breadcrumbs because it’s “basically the same thing”. He also buys nine packs of pre-sliced cheese and a novelty lighter. This is the shopping list of a mad man.

He begins his method

“He puts on latex gloves”. Ah. Ahhhhh. This is going to be so good.

And tries to cook penne in the microwave

One of the most endearing parts of the Robert Pattinson interview is where he tries to cook penne in the microwave, because it worked before with another kind of pasta that he describes as “a little squiggly blob”. The interviewer asks if he means gnocchi, to which he says “No… it looks like a sort of messy…like, the hair bun on a girl.”

To clear it up, I am almost certain that Robert Pattinson is talking about pasta nests. We can forgive him for not knowing about pasta nests, as they can be formed of pappardelle, tagliatelle or vermicelli. And how’s Rob, a man who thinks you can cook pasta in the microwave, supposed to know that? Rob, if you’re reading this – I am the partner for the pasta business. It is me. I can help. Call me.

This next bit, which requires no commentary at all, where he attempts to create some kind of microwave pasta masterpiece

“Nevertheless, penne and water in the microwave for eight minutes. In the meantime, he takes the foil and he begins dumping sugar on top of it. ‘I found after a lot of experimentation that you really need to congeal everything in an enormous amount of sugar and cheese.’ So after the sugar, he opens his first package of cheese and begins layering slice after slice onto the sugar-foil. Then more sugar: ‘It really needs a sugar crust.’

“Then he realizes that he’s forgotten the outer layer, which is supposed to be breadcrumbs but today will be crushed-up cornflakes, and so he lifts the pile of cheese and sugar and crumbles some cornflakes onto the aluminum foil before placing the sugar-cheese back on top of it. Then he adds sauce, which is red. The microwave dings, and Pattinson promptly burns himself on the bowl of pasta. He sighs, heavily, looking at it. ‘No idea if it’s cooked or not.’ He dumps the pasta in anyway. At this point, his spirits have visibly begun to flag. ‘I mean, there’s absolutely no chance this is gonna work. Absolutely none.'”

Amazing.

Then he lights his glove on fire

This is where it is really hard to tell the difference between performance art and real life. GQ writes: “At this point, he accidentally ignites one of his latex gloves, which promptly melts onto his palm. He yells in pain.”

When he thinks his microwave is an oven and sets it on fire

Pattinson and the interviewer have a disagreement over whether the ‘oven’ in his apartment is an actual oven or a microwave. He assures the interview it is an oven. The interviewer is unconvinced. He puts aluminium foil in it, then this happens: “Proudly he is walking back toward the counter that his phone is on when, behind him, a lightning bolt erupts from the oven/microwave, and Pattinson ducks like someone outside has opened fire. He’s giggling and crouching as the oven throws off stray flickers of light and sound.

“’The fucking electricity…oh, my God,’ he says, still on the floor. And then, with a loud, final bang, the oven/microwave goes dark.
In the silence, Pattinson and I both stare at the mysterious piece of machinery built into the wall behind him. ‘Yeah, I think I have to leave that alone,’ he says, sighing again, picking himself off the floor.”

There has never been an interview quite like it. There hasn’t even been a Robert Pattinson interview quite like it, and they’re usually pretty off-base and zany as it is. This is exactly what we all needed in week seven-maybe-eight of lockdown, if only to prove to us that someone is going more crazy than us. And that person is Robert Pattinson.

To read the full, impeccable piece of work, head to GQ.

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