Who on Love Island is the biggest Tory?
A VERY IMPORTANT POLITICAL BROADCAST
Love Island is quite a Tory show. There I said it. Despite Theresa May shockingly admitting she has never watched Love Island and endless gammons complaining on Twitter that more people applied to Love Island than Oxbridge it still has the classic Tory hallmarks all over it.
Think about it, imagine you had so few responsibilities in your life that you could sack everything off and go on a luxury villa holiday for two months. It's as Tory as they come.
So, this leads us on to a very important question, which one of the Love Islanders is most likely to be a Tory?
Adam: 8/10 Tory
Adam's one of those blokes in pubs who tries desperately to come across as a working man but never really makes the cut – just like all those publicly educated columnists that complain about the "Metropolitan Elite."
Plus, the way he has managed to convince four separate girls that they're the only one he's ever been interested in sounds like the exact sort of tactics that Dave Cam used to persuade the electorate in 2010 that the Tories weren't the "nasty party" and were really into hugging hoodies and the big society and other such lies. He's a Tory.
Alex: 7/10 Tory
One of those "I'm not a Tory, I'm a Lib Dem" Tories. Probably votes Lib Dem in a Tory safe-seat to make himself feel better – but absolutely cheered when Corbyn didn't win. He did this while watching the live results of the election – a hobby which, incidentally, he uses as his go-to pick up line. Shy Tory.
Laura: 4/10 Tory
As an air hostess Laura benefits a lot from the free movement engendered by the EU and was certainly a passionate remainer. However, she admits to wanting to settle down and start a family – so might stand to benefit from the Tories "Right to Buy" scheme. Not a Tory but if Wes decides to start supporting Labour then she's decidedly 100 per cent a Tory.
Dani: 1/10 Tory
Dani's got heritage in her un-Toryness: Danny Dyer famously called David Cameron a twat on live TV, twice. Dani herself said that Brexit would lead to welfare being cut – definitely voted Lib Dem in 2010 but was so let down by tuition fees that she went back to her Labour roots. Would rather not vote than vote Tory.
Frankie: 5/10 Tory
As a Rugby League player Frankie will have regularly rubbed shoulders with the working classes of Wigan, Warrington and Huddersfield and learned of the struggle of the common man. However, he was caught doping – sounds a lot like the electoral malpractice rumoured to have been committed by the Vote Leave campaign. Kind of Tory.
Eyal: 3/10 Tory
Card carrying Green. Shares weird conspiracy memes about the Queen being a lizard or something, with no sense of irony. But, like ageing punks in country houses, will inevitably shift right as he gets older. Future Tory when he loses his abs.
Jack: 6/10 Tory
Swing voter – bases his vote on which candidate was nicest to him when doorstepping and didn't rinse him for having a poster of Danny Dyer above his bed. Gains a round of applause on Question Time for saying "politicians need to start telling the truth."
Josh: 4/10 Tory
Completely apolitical, but voted for the first time in 2016 for Corbyn because all his hipster friends did. Not a Tory but is a Tory, if you know what I mean.
Ellie: 13/10 Tory
Ellie's cute charm and friendly demeanour is working its way into the nation's hearts.
However, in the past she has posted in support of far-right EDL founder Tommy Robinson, who is currently in prison for contempt of court.
With the far-right being in some sense uber-Tories, Ellie thus has a Tory rating higher than the actual scale goes.
Samira: 2/10 Tory
Sensible and policy driven – listens to loads of political podcasts and is obsessed with the housing crisis and the need to build on the Green-Belt. Not a Tory.
Sam: 8/10 Tory
Nobody's an "entrepreneur" aged 25. Where did he get that money from? One of those Tories who posts Ayn Rand quotes about how people who don't work hard should just starve or something, for the good of humanity. Mega Tory.
Megan: 9/10 Tory
Free-market fundamentalist in the Hayek mould – believes in the power of "creative destruction" and breaking up monopolies faster than she breaks up relationships. Humungous Tory.
Charlie: 10/10 Tory
Will inevitably one day sit in the House of Lords. TORY.