There are thirteen types of posh and I am about to tell you which one you are
Please say I am not signet ring posh
In this world there are 13 types of posh. There are those who went to Harrow and now wear Stüssy bucket hats to Boomtown or there are the more obviously posh, loudmouth Tories who shoot deer and have floppy blonde hair.
You might laugh at these melts but if you went to private school, eat smoked salmon or know what Farrow and Ball is – you are one of them. If your parents own a second home in Cornwall, if you have ever said "uh yah" or sat on a horse, you will be somewhere on this list – that I guarantee.
1. New money posh
Posh because: Their Dad is a property magnate in Essex.
They wear: Girls are in bandage dresses that look like they came from Missguided but actually cost £195, Christian Louboutin red bottom heels, Pandora bracelets and a Micheal Kors rose gold watch their ex-boyfriend bought them. Guys are in tight shiny navy suits from Reiss and Gucci loafers.
They say: "My Dad came from a working class background right, he worked his way up from being a shoe shiner. Know what I mean?"
Nights out involve: Using their Dad's American Express card they book out booths at Mahiki, order bottles of Ciroc that they proceed to spend the whole night posing with.
Holidays are to: Marbella where they hire out a yacht. The girls spend the whole time in kaftans, bikinis and heels. Guys wear aviator sunnies, teeny tiny swimming trunks. All of them shag people they already know from back home.
They study: Media and communications.
I must be successful for my father posh
Posh because: Their dad is the CEO of an energy company.
They wear: Permanently looks like he is off to a job interview.
They say: "I haven't taken an ounce from my Dad, I worked hard to be where I am… well yes he does pay my rent but…"
Nights out involve: They don't go out. Can be found sweating over a textbook with a cheap library cafe coffee in an attempt to quell their in built superiority complex fostered by their Dads' success. Often dreams about strangling him to death on that stupid swivel chair of his.
Holiday are to: Parents take him to Antigua. He drinks too much Rum and when he throws up his dad tells him to "man up".
They study: Medicine, Law or Philosophy, Politics and Economics.
Ralphy roadman posh
Posh because: His parents bought him a flat in London for his sixteenth birthday.
They wear: Tight navy hats from Sports Direct, a pastel oversized vintage Ralph Lauren shirt, owns a load of forest green fleeces, wears Nike TNs. You'd think he was from South London but he's actually from a cul-de-sac in Surrey.
They say: "Soo jokes bro".
Nights out involve: Heading to a grime or garage night, will be wielding the gun fingers, smoking Amber Leaf and enjoying deep conversations about his upbringing until 7am.
Holidays are to: Goes to Croatia for Outlook, will get an Airbnb with a luxe pool, wears garish Hawaiian shirts and snogs girls in crochet bikinis named Lily.
They study: Politics.
Posh because: Used to ride ponies, but only their closest home friends know this secret.
They wear: Everything they wear is ripped and muddy and from Depop even though they definitely have enough money to buy Chanel. Always in old B.O. soaked Elleese tracksuits that look like they came from the P.E. lost property bin. Look out for Fila bum bags and ski jackets that could have been woven out of a kite.
They say: In an incredibly throaty voice, "mate Boomtown was fucking sick last year, I bumped into my gal Pippa, she was in my boarding school house – such a small world."
Nights out involve: Armed with a sandwich bag of ket they head to the nearest drum 'n' bass night, heading home at 3am to sink into a thick sofa at their mate Marky's house. They smoke weed and put things that definitely shouldn't be mixed up their nose.
Holidays are to: They wanted to go to Dekmantel festival but they missed the ticket release by sleeping until 4pm. Good thing Mummies going to take them to Ibiza.
They study: Philosophy.
Just your standard posho
Posh because: Dad is a financial analyst, mum stays home and looks after the black labradors.
They wear: Girls are in Canada Goose parkas, wooly hats with fluffy pom poms, beige cashmere jumpers from John Lewis, head bands, and Cartier bracelets. Guys wear cable knit jumpers and boat shoes.
They say: "Are you going to be in at 10am? I have an Ocado delivery coming and I have run out of flax seeds."
Nights out involve: Going to a deep house night where a DJ they have never heard of is playing.
Holidays are to: They go with mum and dad to a resort in the Caribbean, they don't leave the 4* hotel for the duration of the trip.
The 'I say I am an artist but the only people who buy my paintings are my parents' posh
Rich because: Their parents fund their studio space.
They wear: Beige Dickie trousers, fleeces from Supreme, plain white t-shirts that cost eighty quid from Alexander Wang, small thin hoop earrings, a duffle bag from some literature festival they went to.
They say: "I love the juxtaposition of the light and dark, really brings out the symbolism of death".
Nights out involve: They go to a gallery opening in Notting Hill to look at some shit art (imagine your little cousin's finger paintings). They sip Moët but avoid the caviar and smoked salmon nibbles because all the coke they huffed in the loo has destroyed their appetite.
Holidays are to: They go to Berlin and hang around in long black coats looking somber. They wear gold chains and tiny wrap around sunglasses traditionally worn by driving instructors called Tony.
They study: Fashion at Central Saint Martins.
North London posh
Rich because: They went to an elite private school, Francis Holland, UCS, King Alfred's or any school that has featured in Tatler.
They wear: The girls have lots of grey fur scarfs bought from a small boutique in North London, they wear chunky rollnecks and puffy coats from Zadig and Voltaire. Definitely got GHDs for their eleventh birthday and ever since then their hair has been impossibly long and glossy. The guys wear The Kooples and expensive watches.
They say: "Mummy and Daddy are taking me for brunch on Sunday which is so annoying because it means I will miss Pilates".
Nights out involve: Drinking espresso martinis even when happy hour has finished. They UBER home at twelve.
Holidays are to: They spend the whole summer on a sun lounger in Mykonos (hence the beaut tan). They eat lots of olives and post Instagrams walking through artisan food markets.
They study: Economics. They end up working in PR.
'Could have been a lawyer but wanted to do my own thing' posh
Posh because: Thinks they are different from their banker dad. They just don't realise that the t-shirt line they designed, the festival they had on the grounds of their family castle and those alcoholic lollies they are desperately trying to fire up wouldn't exist if it wasn't for that dench inheritance fund.
They wear: Goes everywhere with a Macbook, wears beanies, New Balance trainers, Herschel backpacks, always has artfully shaded stubble, rides a scooter to work and has flirted with the idea of getting a Segway.
They say: "I meditate every morning before starting work, it really gets my creative juices flowing".
Nights out involve: More likely to meet up for an overpriced coffee with you than go out. Will take you to eat halloumi chips at a street food pop-up before boring you to death with the details of his latest app idea.
Holidays are to: New York for "business meetings" aka sits on a Macbook in a cafe emailing his Dad's friends.
The I promise I went to Malawi for the children and not my Tinder profile posh
Rich because: Went to boarding school and like every other posho can speak fluent French, play the piano and has a swimming pool.
They wear: Mongolian ponchos, elephant print harem pants from Thailand, has long matted hair, a nose ring and a tattoo in a different language. Also loves tie dye and henna.
They say: "I discovered myself up this mountain in Nepal".
Nights out involve: Taking acid in a field.
Holidays are to: They pay thousands of pounds to volunteer to paint an orphanage in Malawi. Poses with doped up tigers, disadvantaged children and gets mugged at least twice.
They study: Philosophy.
Total wasteman posh
Rich because: Parents gave over all his inheritance when he was twelve, he spent it all on shit garms, weed and taxis two minutes down the road to Tesco Metro. Now he lives in his childhood room and eats all his Mum's avocados out the Smeg fridge.
They wear: Grey flannel joggers, long sleeved white t-shirts, bucket hats, has slits in his eyebrows.
They say: "Yo fam, mans are gonna come through your ends in ten if you wanna pick up? Ye I got the cash".
Nights out out involve: Him and his mates drive around playing Giggs Talking tha Hardest out the rolled down windows.
Holidays are to: The parents offer to take him away with them to St Tropez, but he would rather have a free house for two weeks. He can't wait to walk around in boxers and watch porn without earphones in. True luxury.
They study: Went to Bristol to do English Lit but dropped out within a week. Now he spends his time smoking lemon haze, playing Call of Duty, ordering Dominos and telling his mum to fuck off.
Posh because: Their Dad is a conservative MP in Dorset.
They wear: Team sports hoodies, Jack Wills, girls wear gym leggings and tie their hair back into french braids. Rugby guys are often found naked, I don't know why, apparently it's just part of their culture.
They say: "I don't really understand why chav socials are bad? People make fun of me for having loads of money".
Nights out involve: Religiously attending sports Wednesdays lest they be mocked for being weak (their biggest fear). They slosh flat Carling onto the floor, aggressively shoulder barge people on the way to the toilets, simulate sex on one another and chant: "we like to drink with Mazza cause Mazza is our mate".
Holidays are to: Verbier for skiing.
They study: Either they are an Agric or they do sport science.
Posh because: Dad owns a factory in Wigan that manufactures office supplies, stuff like hole punchers and staples etc. House prices are so cheap in the North they live in an actual mansion complete with a glass extension, a jacuzzi and about 28 chandeliers.
They wear: The girls are forever in red popper pants and bras posing as tops, they wear loads of fake tan, long acrylic nails and sassy slogan t-shirts that say things like: "Don't touch".
Guys are in wax finish Moncler puffer jackets, t-shirts that are way too tight and light blue skinny jeans or tracksuits from brands you have never heard of like JK Attire. They really want to get their eyebrows threaded but they are too embarrassed.
They say: "I swear I'm actually from the North, listen how I say grass!!!!"
Nights out involve: Going absolutely radge, guzzling Lambrini cherry, loosing the group and running off with some random guy called Gary they met in a kebab shop. Buys everyone they meet a Jägerbomb.
Holidays are to: Still trying to persuade to all their uni friends that Blackpool is a good night out.
They study: Business.
Posh because: Defs comes from old money, probably some distant relation to the royal family.
They wear: The guys are in salmon pink trousers, signet rings, Barber coats, they have woofy blonde hair and ruddy red cheeks. The girls wear pearl earrings, white jeans, pink tightly fitted shirts and flat over the knee boots with fake spurs.
They say: "Boris Johnson is such a legend, my Dad plays tennis with him".
Nights out involve: Watching the Polo and having red wine fuelled dinner parties. There are always loads of dead animals everywhere, from the venison steak they eat, to the deer horns above the roaring fire to the polar bear rug on the floor. They gawuff about how well all their offshore bank accounts are doing.
Holidays are to: A large house in the south of France.