I watched the first ever episode of Love Island and realised how terrible it used to be

Camilla would legit self-implode


In 2015, Love Island aired and tbh no one cared about it. After watching the first episode I realised why – it used to be fucking shit.

If like the rest of the nation, you only started watching Love Island this year and thought Jonny was bad, you wouldn’t be able to get through this episode. The boys call the girls ‘sluts’ and ‘slags’, while treating them like literal objects. Lovely.

For some context watch the first series’ trailer below

The trailer is cringe and unrealistic af

The episode starts off with a classic intro montage of the initial Islanders going into the villa. The first scene is of a guy who’s clearly just had a threesome that gets interrupted by Caroline Flack’s call into the villa. The rest of the Islanders are caught in equally “realistic” real life situations such as being in a church service and gambling in a poker room.

A good arse is all the boys are looking for

Now onto meeting the men of the villa. The five boys discuss what they are looking for in a girl. Joshua, who is a self-employed joiner is looking for a girl with a “nice set of tits and a decent arse.” Omar, is being less shallow, he is searching for a “pretty face and a nice bum” instead. Then we have Luis the professional footballer who is looking for someone a bit like Kim K. Seriously, does anyone care about personality here?

On first glance, there is a wider range characters than in this year’s series, but I was soon to find out that these boys were as sexist as each other, making them basically the same person.

The boys actually tried to hit on the presenter lol

They seemed confused when Caroline Flack appeared and mistook her for a contestant. Jon decided it would be appropriate to tell the whole of the UK on live TV that he would “steam through that”, if he “half had the chance.” Guessing that phrase didn’t mean admiring her from afar in 2015.

You wouldn’t wanna be friends with any of the girls on the outside

Then we have the girls. First up is Hannah who is a Playboy bunny. Without sounding like a bitch, she looks like she’s stepped out of an 80s sitcom. She’s wearing a neon-pink bikini with a clashing kimono and beads upon beads of pearls. What even was fashion three years ago? Did she look it up? Anyway, she is actually kinda seems sweet and Jon pairs up with her immediately.

Then some very mediocre girls come on. Danielle who describers herself as “fairly posh” is a bit awkward and plain. Luis steps up to pick her. Rachel is after, she seems a bit normal and Luis has stepped forward to pick her over the girl he just coupled up with. AWKWARD.

Zoe is a born again Christian who is a model. She’s a bit alternative, kooky, quite cool and probably the most interesting person on this show. Then this Luis guy steps forward for her, AGAIN. After they couple up, he makes a number three with his fingers to indicate that he got three girls in a row and she’s like “I kinda regret my decision.” Girl, I feel you.

The thing you don’t want to happen to you the most on Love Island happens to Lauren, because no one steps forward for her lol.

Jess is last up. She describes herself as “probably the biggest flirt ever.” She’s definitely the type of girl that says she doesn’t get on with other girls. We all know what that means.

Legit all of the conversations are about shagging

Immediately after coupling up, the boys sit down and talk about who they’d shag, marry and avoid. Today’s producers must’ve had a chat about making the show less brash, because the sort of stuff they were saying would never be aired now. Jon is literally talking about locking Hannah up, so that no guys would be able to hit on her – not creepy at all. Then he shouts for her to bring him a drink, never mind the fact that they’ve known each other for a couple of hours.

Straight after that scene, one of the guys describes her as “one of them girls that looks a bit slaggy and stuff, but is actually really nice”, while says Jess “has a look that’s really like, I wanna fuck you.” Nice.

The first challenge is all about previous sex experiences and the boys are high-fiving each other for sleeping with the most girls. By this point I’ve decided that Jon is the worst because he has declared that once he’s out “he’s going to rump” all of the girls on the outside. Lol, can you even imagine someone saying that now?!

People have sex on the first night

Unsurprisingly people were having sex on the first night, which is fine and all but there was deff pressure for the girls to do it as the whole day consisted of chat about sex.

The whole episode was cringe from start to finish and at times quite grim to watch. From the boys practically cat-calling the presenter shows how much the reality TV has changed in three years. Having watched this year’s series, you’d think this episode was from a parallel universe where it’s okay for the guys to call women ‘slags’ or ‘sluts’, while none of the girls have balls big enough to confront this.

But seriously, no one could compare to the gentlemen of this year’s show anyway, Marcel and Kem wouldn’t be able to stand these guys.

And Camilla would legit self-implode.