Just a sampling of the most ridiculous clean eating recipes wellness witches want you to eat


Ah, welcome to 2017, when finally we’ve all started to understand that actually, there’s no such thing as clean and “dirty” foods and there never has been. We’re less terrified of gluten, anything white and the idea that choosing to eat what we like is somehow toxic.

Even the ‘wellness witches’ who once led the charge on clean-eating are now furiously backtracking on their views. Deliciously Ella was caught frantically deleting any reference to the phrase on her website, while Hemlsey and Hemsley, seemingly cornered when asked about the link to anorexia and orthorexia, claimed they’d never used it either.

But even without the hushed and hallowed phrase, clean eating’s influence is still out there. It’s in plenty of ridiculous recipes still on the websites of wellness witches who want you to torture yourself with kale, avocado and courgetti in seemingly everything. Here’s a short selection of the best of the worst.

Foodbabe’s ‘cancer fighting cherry smoothie’

OK, so a cherry smoothie is in itself quite harmless, but as anyone who’s lost someone or suffered from cancer will tell you, to insinuate that a fucking smoothie can cure or fight off cancer is nothing short of ridiculous. It’s a cherry. fucking. smoothie.

Instagram says ‘hey, just boil a fucking grapefruit’

Hemsley & Hemsley’s ‘bone broth’

Here Hemsley & Hemsley have included a high quality artsy photograph of some STOCK, LITERAL STOCK along with a very well formatted pretty recipe for STOCK, LITERALLY JUST A BOWL OF STOCK.

Hemsley & Hemsley’s ‘Miso Broth’

God I’m so tired after a long day of work. And it’s so cold outside. What would really warm me up and satisfy me? This Ginger Miso broth from Hemsley & Hemsley looks good. Let’s see what’s in it:

Oh great, so just more stock then. Yummy yummy yummy.

Hemsley & Hemsley celeriac spaghetti and kale carbonara

I love kale as much as the next basic white person. But like celeriac, kale is NOT PASTA. And never will be.

Foodbabe’s coconut avocado fries

If they are made of coconut and avocado and not potatoes and if they are baked not fries then please can someone explain to me how they are fries? Lmk.