The awkward things that always happen at an Indian wedding ceremony

Weddings. A beautiful celebration of two people coming together for a lifetime of love, happiness and joy. Indian weddings, however? A whole other story.

Every time I receive that kankroti (wedding invite) in the post, I am filled with an instant feeling of dread. Here’s why no Indian wedding is an enjoyable experience – especially when you’ve been going to them your entire life.

You get there really early and greet each other awkwardly

What is it about Indians? Why can’t we just say hello, or wave like normal people? There’s the awkward two-side hug, or the even weirder hand shake/hold thing that we do – I can’t even explain it in words, that’s how ridiculous it is.

Your parents make some sort of comment about the venue

Upon arrival: “Not quite Hare Krishna temple is it?” Alright mum, where the hell did you get married? But then if it is at the Hare Krishna, some one will 100 per cent complain about how far the drive is.

Also expect: “Wow, the mandap is so pretty” or equally “Why did they waste so much money on the mandap?” You cannot win with Indian families, folks.

Everyone is late 

Bride, groom, panditji – everybody is late. In fact, I’m pretty sure they run on IST (Indian Standard Time).

The old Indian ladies start singing and humming prayers terribly

It is honestly the most awful sound you will ever hear. Ever. Choirs are a lost concept to us.

The dhol players arrive and things briefly start to look up

Ooooooo wedding vibes. This is about the only slightly exciting thing that will happen. It’s all downhill from here again.

The bride finally arrives and walks down the aisle to “Agar tum mil jao”

Or some other ridiculously overplayed cheesy Hindi film song. And every other Indian girl thinks “Omg ew, I defo won’t have a song like this at my wedding”.

But they do. They all do.

You look around and judge every sari

Seriously though, why is Simran Masi’s daughter wearing a Boohoo halter top as a sari blouse?!

The token non-Indian guest in Indian dress is admired 

Vah vah.

“My friend Tash from uni will definitely wear a sari like that to MY wedding. She’ll look great.”

The wedding ceremony lasts for two hours (or longer)

Why??? Hurry up, I want my samosas.

The ‘cool’ priest is cool for all of two seconds

And by cool, we mean English speaking. This is a recent thing in Hindu weddings, where they get a priest who explains everything in English, and is supposedly down with the kids.

The “cool” priest will also try to crack some religious banter, which rarely goes down a treat, but at least he tries to liven up what is possibly the longest two hours of your life.

Someone performs a really bad dance 

You smile, you clap, you slowly die inside. All the while thinking of the samosas that you could be eating if somebody had just had the balls to say “no” to the damn six-year old aspiring Bollywood actress.

Someone performs a really good dance 

It’s usually quite fun. Maybe the brother will dress up as a woman so it’s funny; or maybe the choreography is so technical that you are actually quite impressed.

Still not a plate of samosas though, is it?

Photo-gate

All the families need to take individual family portraits with the bride and groom, because apparently these photos are really important to them. This is a horrible lie- we know nobody ever looks at these pictures ever again. You’re just delaying lunch guys.

Even worse, sometimes family names get called out on the DJ’s microphone, which is possibly the most embarrassing thing ever.

Lunch is finally served

At. Fucking. Last. You finally get to eat and oh wait – the elephant stampede beat you to the queue and now you’re last in line.

If that isn’t bad enough, you briefly (and awkwardly) acknowledge the males in your extended family, as they slop food into your typically “Indian Party” white plastic plate. You know the one, with all the convenient sections so the rice doesn’t have to touch your curry. Genius.

And the curry in the cup?  Classic.

An old Indian lady asks when you’re getting married 

I’m sure this happens at all weddings, but there’s nothing quite like it at an Indian one. Probably because the person being asked is usually not of the marrying age i.e. they’re 16. Back off, Grandma.

An old Indian lady tries to set you up with somebody 

Apparently this happens. It’s not okay.

They play some weird games at the end of the 18 million hour ceremony 

Whoever wins will wear the trousers in the relationship, apparently. But seriously when can we leave????? Also can I take some samosas home?

The bride and groom finally piss off

Everyone cries. You don’t. Because you finally get to leave.