An ode to Snobs: Birmingham’s best ‘Shite Club’

Everyone in Birmingham has an opinion on Snobs. It is one of the oldest nightclubs in the city, serving our parents and grandparents, with decades worth of shameful pulls, embarrassing dance moves and millions of vodka shots taken. Yes we all hail for the return of “Old Snobs” but our generation will forever love both old and new Snobs for the hedonistic and possibly immoral shit hole it truly is. And I’d have it no other way.

Getting in

You’ll queue for miles around the corner on a Wednesday, but of course you don’t join the back of the line – are you stupid? Wander up and down the queue of fucked up Brummies to see if there is anyone you know at all to help you jump in. They don’t discriminate, anyone can come on in.

Music is simply fabulous

Every single song that comes on is an absolute jam – with a floor for pop rock, one for disco and old school anthems, and a final hidden 3rd floor for grime. To many, the third floor is simply a myth as it is rarely open. As you are absolutely twatted by the time you have your first drink on the first floor, you’ll only stumble upon this hidden gem by chance.

That being said, every single clubber lives for the moments where you’re on the stage on the second floor singing along to Fleetwood Mac or Dexys Midnight Runners. Let’s be real, the second floor is heavenly.

It’s scarily cheap

You’ll wake up the next morning with many regrets from the night before, but spending all of your student loan isn’t one of them. Yes, you may have a -£10 SNOBS in your account because of the stupid minimum charge on a card but hey, it’s worth it for 10 extra shots right???

Everyone you’ve ever known will be there

If you go to, or have visited anyone, at university in B-town, or if you hail from this glorious city, you’ll be guaranteed to bump into every single person you’ve ever met in your whole entire life in the smoking area. Secondary school friends, one night stands, second cousins who don’t know you smoke… the list goes on. EVERYONE IS THERE. FACT.

The boss ass toilet attendants

Especially the ladies’ attendant: she’ll tell you exactly how you look even if you have no desire to know. The men’s one will run after you if you don’t let him spray you with perfume. They are just class, and no standard Snobs night is complete without a chat with these perfect humans.

The faces

If you haven’t got a selfie with the heads have you really been out? No one ever knows why they’re here, but who cares? Posing reaches new, more fabulous heights.

You’ll pull everyone there…

And you won’t have a clue who they are, that’s okay. Once you hear some Fall Out Boy on first floor playing, you’ll run away indefinitely. That being said, the reason why Snobs is so legendary is because it has been around for so long. As such, many relationships and marriages have began with blurry eyed looks across the sticky dancefloor. If you keep in touch with the hottie you met whilst Frank Sinatra was playing, who knows what might happen.

…but your ex will probably see you

One of the best things about Snobs is also one of the worst: because everyone is there, you are likely to bump into every person you’ve ever dated. So just beware of the drama that will inevitably happen. Be very aware. The psycho ex will be there, and will be watching your every move. Don’t be surprised if they confront you and your squads face off in the smoking area.

Memory dies at 1am

But hey, at least you won’t remember it happen until it’s too late to do anything. Due to how cheap the drinks are, you will be wandering aimlessly around the club without the ability to speak or act morally. Snobs allows you to tell your enemies exactly what you think of them with renewed confidence and less of worry about what the consequences will be. But hey, another double vodka anyone? The dream.

Dress code is non-existent

From trainers to tracksuits to pyjamas, Snobs takes “casual” to a new level. Wear what the hell you like, everyone’s too drunk and having too much of a fab time to care.

Always a drunk cry in the toilets

“They ain’t worth it!” is a constant phrase in both the boys and girls toilets. Snobs is wonderful simply because you can hold a complete stranger in your arms and tell them that their boyfriend is a dickhead for kissing Becky with the good hair. Snobs-goers will always look out for each other.

Queues for cloakroom is the best part of the night

You’re almost blind from the cheap vodka, can barely stand still and have thrown up on your shoes but YOU WILL GET YOUR COAT. You hold yourself onto a random stranger in the queue and strum up a fake ass conversation in the vain hope you’ll get your jacket before your friends leave you jump in a cab. The chats you end up having with this random person will never be remembered but your phone will have ‘Blonde David Cloakroom’ in it the next day. Oh the happy memories.

It’s nostalgic

You’ll always look back on your first nights out as a youth in “old snobs”, trying to get in with fake ID or sneak in through the back of the Greek restaurant. You can bond with your parents about how sleazy it has always been but it’s our sleazy Snobs. Clubbing is often taken way too seriously and it’s nice to attend a genuinely fun, carefree night out.

Some may slate it as cheesy, too busy and full of underage people but you cannot deny it’s the best shittest night out with memories you’ll treasure for the rest of your life.