‘Mate, women have it kind of hard’: Here is how to spot a performative male on Lancs uni campus

Unless you have been living under a rock – or just didn’t come to campus today – you will have seen the massive crowd the performative male contest brought to Alexandra Square.

Many contestants, clutching different forms of matcha, records, and stringed instruments with tote bags in tow strutted down the square. Some threw roses, jewellery and feminine hygiene products to a cheering crowd as they went on their way to pick up the latest book on feminism (that they will only read in public).

Listen, I may come off as harsh in this article – but I have come to the sobering realisation that I myself am a performative male, so this is just some friendly fire coming from a place of insecurity. It isn’t that deep.

But do you know how to spot (and avoid) a real life performative male in the wild? They can come in many different forms but we complied a list of what we thought you should be on the lookout for.

Carhartt, flannels, the baggier the better

Usually found cosplaying “middle-class-core”, a performative male has usually never worked a day of manual labour in his life. He has never had to because he lives secretly on whatever mummy and daddy sends him for that month.

But you surely wouldn’t be able to tell as they buy their chosen garments”pre-distressed” from whatever extortionatily-priced second hand store they found on Tik Tok (although they swear they deleted that app back in 2021).  Extra points if it’s a band t-shirt of someone they have never listened to.

To make up for a lacking personality they adorn multiple layers of whatever you saw your grandad wearing a decade ago. Why buy clothes your size when baggy jeans can be big enough to slip a paperback book in?

You got to let other people know you can read somehow.

‘Underground’ music taste

“Ugh you probably will have never heard of them…they are really alternative and underground but my favourite band is Radiohead.”

I’m sure we have all heard this being uttered in some form or other. Look there isn’t anything wrong if you like Radiohead, Fontaines D.C. or Tame Impala  – just do us all a favour and don’t make it your whole personality. We get it, you don’t listen to pop, you’re so cool and different…

Or they could go down the more feminine route to attract women and listen to Clairo, girlinred, Jeff Buckley and so many more – melodies that just really speak to them as a person – you probably just don’t understand.

Is he a chronic indie night veteran at The Sugarhouse? Or a member of LU alternative music society? Then I’m afraid he may be performative.

Records, LPs, vinyls

What good is an “underground” music taste if you struggle to show everyone what you listen to? That’s the thing using streaming services, you just can’t showcase to the world how cool you are.

Therefore, a perforative male will be heavily emotionally (and financially) invested in records and “old media”. We’re talking record players, cassette players, Walkmans. If they are using streaming services, you best believe it is with wired headphones so everyone can know that he doesn’t “subscribe to the consumerism of wireless headphones”

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But he will buy a record he is searching for on Amazon with next day delivery.

LOVES women, but every ex he has ‘just didn’t get him’

One of the key defining features of a performative male is the ability to stand up against the male loneliness epidemic by claiming that he loves women, without necessarily showing it.

He will shout from the rooftops how much he hates misogyny, menstrual cycles and the rise of red pill society – all while talking over a woman whilst doing so. Don’t let him know you haven’t read every single book on feminism, he may just mansplain the historical importance of feminist activism – because you know…he’s an ally of course.

A further feature of a performative male is, despite how much he loves all women, his exes were either “crazy” or “just didn’t get him” all because they didn’t like the taste of matcha.

Will play guitar..without ever being asked

If you enter a room with a performative male and a guitar, it is best to approach with caution and do not turn your back on it. Failure to do so may result in being accosted with hours on end of them playing whatever four chord song they learned on Tik Tok.

If you find yourself already in that situation, it is best just to smile, nod and politely clap. Do not encourage it – as it could begin to play Candy by “underground artist” Paolo Nutini.

If you find yourself on a FaceTime with a performative male and he brings a guitar into frame, good luck solider.

Niche activities – rock climbing, hiking

Look, there is nothing wrong with these activities. But when you are simply doing it to show how “in touch you are with nature” on your latest instagram dump – it gets a little ironic. 

It’s all – “everyone is too attached to their phones nowadays”, until it’s time to take a picture with the boys of whatever mountain they’ve scaled on a Saturday morning whilst everyone else is hungover.

Feminist books but only to be read in public

Simone de Beauvoir? bell hooks? Audrey Lorde? What is the point of familiarising yourself with these works if it isn’t in public whilst sipping a beverage in a locally owned business?

Away from society commentary and feminist theory – they may even branch down into the narrative-focused feminist works of Margaret Atwood, Sally Rooney, and Sylvia Plath. All the while being a little too hesitant to criticise Ted Hughes.

Honestly, the fig tree analogy is wasted on you guys.

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