‘You want to make me a tuna melt?’: Heated Rivalry quotes as Cambridge University colleges

If you haven’t spent hours watching Heated Rivalry, you’ve almost definitely heard of it through the online grapevine. The story of two rival hockey players in a decades-long situationship has caught the world by storm.

And what better way to honour its ongoing popularity than to choose quotes that embody the Cambridge colleges? 

Newnham — “I’m coming to the cottage” 

Let’s be honest, the demographic of Heated Rivalry watchers seems to be almost entirely female, so an all girls college had to be on the list. Newnham feels like it could have a secret cottage buried somewhere in their vast gardens, for two hockey players in love to hide out from the rest of the world.

Girton — “Don’t go to Russia” 

Yes, sometimes, Girton does feel THAT far away.

King’s — “I find it hard being so high profile”

via Unsplash

Every time I go through King’s to get to Sidgwick, I’m bombarded by flocks of tourists taking pictures. The porters are innately aware of the college’s visibility and spend their days turning people away, whether that be visitors or students after 5pm. High profile indeed. 

Hughes Hall — “You want to make me a tuna melt?”

Shane is touched by one of the first instances of Ilya’s domesticity. Being a mature college, the over 21 year olds at Hughes Hall have their lives way more sorted out than the rest of us. I’m almost certain they cook more nights a week than I do in a term. 

Peterhouse — “Never in life have I blushed”

 They’ve been too busy producing life changing historical figures for the past 800 years. 

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Trinity — “They look at me and they see a bank.”

The O2 Arena, which Trinity used to own (via Unsplash)

No explanation needed.

John’s and Jesus — “We were both very st*pid and irresponsible”

The dynamic duo of May Balls. The “seventh best party in the world” and the Insta-verified JMB are both places where students have insanely irresponsible moments. 

Christ’s — “Glasses back on”

Shane’s geeky, intellectual look is… well. There are no adequate words to describe it. Because Christ’s has been so close (yet, so far) to beating Trinity on the Tompkins Table for years, they fit the bill for the college that tries the hardest to be academic… 

Trinity Hall — “And your dad is, what, boring? Is that where you get your boring?” 

The new private school recruitment says it all.

Sidney Sussex — “He deserves the best. He deserves sunshine”

From a purely objective perspective, everyone agrees Sidney’s proximity to Sainsbury’s is ideal. Pair this with its quaint and cosy atmosphere, and we — I mean they — deserve sunshine. 

If you disagree with any of my choices, you can DM me on Instagram and we can personally battle it out. There’s nothing I love more than making Cambridge a tad more bearable through linking it to pop-culture. 

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Featured image via HBO