How long does it take before Glasgow Uni students stop going to lectures again? An investigation

It’s that time again. Fresh semester, bright-eyed optimism, notebooks pristine, pens uncapped, and your brain screaming “I am ready to learn!”… for approximately three minutes. Then, like a tragic Netflix character arc, reality hits: Lectures exist, and so do you – somewhere between bed and existential dread.

So, how long does it take before we all collectively stop going to lectures? Glad you asked, because I investigated. Yes, me, the academically responsible but deeply lazy features editor, conducted a highly unscientific study (a.k.a. watching how long my peers last before ghosting the lecture hall).

Spoiler alert: Results may or may not be influenced by my own chronic lateness and crippling FOMO from staying in bed.

This article comes to you from the top floor of JMS, where I am, as I type, skipping a lecture… so my answer is week three, day two. Wow, its gonna be a long semester…

I have the perfect birds eye view of all you weasley students from up here. I am always watching. I can see you all rushing between classes, skipping over puddles, fighting with your umbrellas as they’re blown inside out, clutching your sad little coffee cups like a lifeline. Are you on your way to a lecture? I doubt it. You’re just like me, aren’t you? Academically burned out and procrastinating (thank you Tab for giving me the perfect productive-unproductive way to put off my degree xx).

Immediate observations from the past three weeks

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Week one: Enthusiasm is at peak levels. Everyone’s showing up, bags heavy with pristine new textbooks they’ll literally never open. You even pretend to take notes. Some ambitious souls might even ask questions. Couldn’t be me. 

Week two: The first signs of rebellion. A suspicious number of “sick” texts appear. The group chat explodes with “who’s going?” and the answers are mostly gifs of dogs refusing to leave beds.

Week three: All semblance of control is lost to the gail-force Glasgow wind. Legends tell of brave souls still attending lectures. You are not them. Lecture slides posted on Moodle are your new best friend. Coffee, doomscrolling, and existential dread replace academics. The lecture hall is a ghost town, and honestly? It’s kind of peaceful.

The rain is too heavy, the temperature too cold, and the vibes from campus too depressing to even bother getting out of bed. Even the squirrels scurrying around campus look exhausted. How many of your friends have skipped a lecture this week to “catch up with other lectures?” This is a never ending loop, none of us are free.

So, fellow humans of higher education, here’s the hard truth: If you made it past week two, congrats, you’re now officially part of the “only here for the slides” club. Welcome. Grab a snack, maybe even an energy drink, you deserve it. Nobody will judge you if you bring your emotional support childhood teddy bear along for the 9am.

If you’re one of these folk that go to every single bloody lecture (how?!?), then strap in, because you’re in it for the long haul – or at least until the first assessment reminder hits like a meteor and ruins your carefully curated illusion of control.

And remember: Lectures may end, but the academic dread? That’s here to stay.

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