Top nine ways to identify a Durham Uni fresher in the wild

It’s a pretty known stereotype that 18-year-olds arrive at university and go a bit mad. This makes them easily distinguishable from the rest of us sensible, weathered students who have already lived through this life stage. Now, the second and third years get to look at the freshers and see the younger, more chaotic and feral versions of themselves (and thank the lord that they survived it).

They’re the most drunk at the function

This one lies at the core of what gives the silly fresh their name. They don’t understand that nights out don’t always have to be so feral. They just can’t comprehend it. Maybe it’s because they’re new to alcohol and don’t know their limits yet, or maybe it’s because their grades for the year don’t count. Either way, they are always a liability. Being in the same vicinity as them on a night out risks you being part of one of the embarrassing stories they’ll tell in second year.

They’re in Paddy’s

As a fresher I heard about Paddy’s pizza fame through watching Jack Edwards back in the day. So, being the silly fresh I was, I visited often. Now, with my fourth-year wisdom, I’ve evolved and now know that Urban Oven is the only correct option.

They’re making out with someone in the back of Jimmy’s

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We’ve all been there. It’s a rite of passage and a thought that makes second, third- and fourth-years cringe to look back on. The age-old routine: dancing, then eye-contact, then regret. Made worse when you wake up in the morning to the photos and videos of your mistake on the group-chat. Non-freshers have lived and learned how grim the weirdly wet walls of Jimmy’s can be, and will not make the mistake again. Most freshers have yet to learn.

They go all out for dress-up socials

When your grades don’t count, where are you supposed to put all your free time? The freshers’ answer to this question is their bar-crawl fits. Whether it’s gender-swap, ABC, Cops and Robbers – doesn’t matter, they’ll commit. It’s almost admirable compared to the older students’ lack of effort.

Their conversation starters

What school did you go to? What A-Levels did you do? Are you an Oxbridge reject? Did you do a year abroad? These are the questions that dominate conversations with freshers. A-Levels, UCAS, and the college system are hot on the fresher’s mind – not so much for the rest of us who have long since repressed this period of our lives.

Leavers’ hoodies

Fashion trends come and go. You know what’s never been in fashion though? Sixth form and secondary school leavers’ hoodies. Why are you advertising your school so hard? Are you making sure everyone knows you were privately educated? I, for one, have never felt school pride that strongly so I struggle to relate to the freshers that do this.

They haven’t heard of Tindur or Durfess

Tindur and Durfess submissions have become a lost art. So much so that the freshers have hardly even heard of them. In years before, people would go out to Tesco’s and wonder if anyone would write a Tindur about it later. Now? Not so much. Mention any Facebook group at all to a fresher and they’ll look at you like you’re a fossil.

They have to get back in time for college dinner

Day in the life of a fresher: sleep through college breakfast, go to college lunch, go to college dinner, start pre-drinking. College life is very structured, and since they’ve also spent all their money on quaddies at Klute, they can’t afford to miss a free dinner. No matter what they’re doing that day, they’ll be back on the bailey or the hill by tea-time.

Their hangovers

Maybe the worst trait of the archetypal fresher is their response to hangovers. As the older years can attest, first year hangovers don’t exist. A minor headache maybe, or a mild lethargy. Once you get past the age of 20, you just know to cancel out any prospect of a productive day after a club night. But the freshers? They’ll spring out of bed, fresh as daisies, then complain about how truly ‘rough’ they feel. Find solace in the fact that this invincibility will soon fade.

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