Freshers’ reflections: The no good, the bad, and the ugly

As we near the beginning of term two, it calls to reflect on the horror that is Freshers’ and the truly incredible experience of living with people who should never be left alone in their lives. As the search for second year housing grows more stressful, you hear yourself questioning whether these people can change, or will the horrors continue? To help with this, I have combined some of the most horrific Freshers’ stories I have heard, to either help you realise you’re better off than most, or be a wake-up call to escape the living arrangements now before it’s too late.

These have all been submitted anonymously for maximum entertainment and divided into sections that I deemed appropriate for your storytelling engagement.

Fire

Fire safety is clearly something most freshers have ignored, with stories of setting not only food and accommodations but also themselves on fire! Starting our horror stories off with some strong, truly questionable actions by this year’s cohort of first-years.

• “Leaving the stove on, smoking up the entire kitchen by leaving chicken unattended on said stove”
• The mysterious start of the year Metalworks fire – I mean, really, what did happen and why is nobody talking about it?
• “Flatmate set himself on fire (he’s fine)”

Knives

Now we head into a submission that both scars me and, I’m sure, themselves. The thought of running kitchen safety classes should have perhaps passed through the university’s mind before letting flatmates roam free with un-child-proofed knives.

• “Flatmate playing the knife game at afters and nicked an artery, spurting blood through the kitchen”

Toilet

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Toilet-related issues are clearly inevitable, with drunken escapades and a myriad of dietary-related issues that come with living alone and having to fend for yourself. However, these stories truly take the cake for me in their utterly disgusting nature that forces me to interrogate what humanity has come to.

• “Toilet broke – carried shit out in a bag”
• “Threw a house party, seven lads pissed in kettles and boiled them”
• “Left stains on the actual toilet seat”
• “Poo outside flatmates’ door”
• “Group digs out clogged toilet with a broomstick”
• “Poo found in our shower, the two of us were forced to clean it, despite it not being ours, creating mustard gas in the process”

Just plain stupid

And to finalise these tales of pure horror, I give you a list of submissions I deemed as just complete and utter stupidity. Now, don’t be alarmed if you find yourself thinking “how could someone even do this?”, trust me, I did too. Hopefully, this will add perspective to some of your fears, or it won’t: in which case, run!

• “Girl made yoghurt, ran out of places to store it, so put it in the oven”
• “Flatmate pickling raw chicken in a Tupperware in the cupboard for days”
• “UWE boy mixed ket, cocaine and vodka, only to k hole in the kitchen and give the house scabies”
• “Next door left tap on, flooding his and my room”
• “Flatmate got drunk and tried breaking down the door”
• “A guy went round flat smashing the walls with a hammer”

Stories that truly send a shiver down my spine. Whilst these horror stories may have been better shared around the campfire by dimmed candlelight, I hope this article has provided some solace to your own personal housing nightmares.