If you do these 14 things on Christmas Day, I’m afraid you’re officially posh

Christmas is finally upon us. Loads of UK families have a ritualistically rigid routine for Christmas Day. While some people make a tradition of making pancakes or drinking Bailey’s, the poshest people among us go about Christmas in a whole other way. If you do more than 12 of these 14 things on Christmas Day, then I’m afraid you qualify as being posh.

1. You are hosting Christmas for the fourth year in a row

Your relatives always promise it will be their turn to host Christmas next year. They keep making excuses about how your house is in the middle of everyone, or their bathroom is ropey. They lie. Cousins invite themselves over because your parents have the biggest house, and the priciest champagne. Get used to it.

2. Christmas pyjamas are banned

Nothing screams “nouveau riche” like sending out cards featuring your family posed in matching novelty Christmas pyjamas. There’s a reason you can buy sets of reindeer pyjamas in Primark, but not Ralph Lauren x

Good heavens!

3. Everyone automatically wears black tie

Even small children should be dressed up like they’re off to a job interview. How else can you show off how many diamond earrings you have?

4. Never saying ‘Santa Claus’

If a small child calls Father Christmas “Santa Claus”, your grandparents may have another heart attack. “Santa Claus” sounds so American (and therefore trashy).

5. Real greenery decorates the house

Perhaps your mother wasted £150 on an artisan wreath-making class. Or perhaps the centrepieces on the table are a way to show off how many varieties of shrubbery border your own estate.

6. You venture off to church when it’s still dark outside

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If it’s daylight when you wake up on Christmas Day, you’re doing something wrong

Many posh families will insist on trekking to church either for midnight mass or an early morning service on Christmas Day. Maybe they stick rigorously to this tradition out of actual religious piety. Or maybe sitting silently in a church is an excellent excuse to not speak to each other for an hour.

7. No presents before breakfast

Tearing open your presents while you eat is considered materialistic/flashy/vulgar. Serving your guests Waitrose smoked salmon and Fortnum & Mason artisan jam on antique Wedgwood plates in an extravagantly embellished dining room in a multimillion mansion in Surrey, however, is just a normal Wednesday. The later in the day you open your presents, the more of an aristocratic tw*t you are.

8. No gifts will be from a UK Christmas market

This isn’t a Christmas market, it’s some hot dog stands with fairy lights

If you’re accustomed to visiting the Christmas markets in Austria and Germany on your luxury skiing holidays, then a cluster of sheds serving lukewarm wine on a UK high street isn’t very exciting.

9. The Christmas tree isn’t plastic

Well, maybe it’s easier for you commoners to use the same artificial tree each year. But it’s even easier to just ask the assistant groundskeeper to bring in a small conifer from that orchard round by the spare stables.

10. Christmas lunch resembles a prop from Game of Thrones

This looks appropriately Medieval

There is something extra pretentious about publicly declaring that turkey is too pretentious. Your family sticks to even older traditions, and roasts something really rogue on Christmas Day, like a whole ham. You get bonus poshness points if you eat some kind of bird that cannot be found in a supermarket, but can be found in The 12 Days of Christmas. You get even more points if you shot that Lesser Greater Bespackled Duckduckgoose Peasanhentridge yourself. Such fun.

11. No yummy sides at lunch

Yorkshire puddings are only for roast beef. Mashed potato is only for Americans. Cauliflower cheese is only for people who panic-bought everything premade from a supermarket. The only acceptable pudding is an actual fruity Christmas pudding with brandy butter. Nobody will eat it, but everybody will complain if it’s not there.

They appear to be having untoasted bread and lettuce?!

12. The whole day revolves around watching the King’s speech live

You can’t even consider whacking a classic Christmas film on until everyone’s seen the King’s speech. Good luck with pretending to care x

13. You force each other to play the same games each year

Nobody really enjoys charades. Unfortunately, everybody pretends to enjoy charades because the royal family played it in an episode of The Crown.

14. You’re not even in the UK for Christmas

If you’re not even in the UK for Christmas, but you’re in the chalet in Switzerland, then congrats! You win at have more money than sense.

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