Here’s exactly what your Glasgow Uni halls say about you

Ah, Glasgow’s halls of residence. The birthplace of beautiful friendships and newfound independence, but also the place where your patience, sleep schedule, and sense of smell will be tested like never before. Unfortunately, halls are a canon event that many freshers must endure— equal parts a rite of passage and the Hunger Games. You’ll learn to navigate fire alarms that go off for no reason, communal kitchens that resemble crime scenes, and that one pesky flatmate who you swear is stealing your food. 

Of course, the most important part of any halls experience is being able to relate to a groundbreaking and highly serious Tab article. So, consider this your chance to achieve that illustrious goal! And a trigger warning for those still traumatised—or the ones who peaked during Fresher’s week (I’m sorry about your dissertation, but it’s time to move on).  

Murano Street Student Village 

via Google Maps

Of course, we have to start with Glasgow’s largest accommodation. With over 1,000 students, Murano’s residents have earned quite the reputation. You might be a self-proclaimed “356 Party Girl!”— which, in your case, means never cleaning your dishes and going to the same GUU night out every week.

You stay up until 3am every day doomscrolling while it sounds like the entire world is screaming outside your window. Like the Wuhan Lab, your kitchen is probably the origin site of several terrifying new strains of Freshers’ Flu.  

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Or maybe you signed up for a five-person flat thinking you’d strike the perfect balance of parties and early bedtimes, only to end up stuck with silent flatmates in what looks suspiciously like a prison cell, and a shared bathroom harbouring substances no one dares to identify. 

Queen Margaret Residences 

via Google Maps

Let me guess: you’re an Edinburgh private school student who moved to Glasgow for its “edge,” but drew the line at living in Maryhill.

Like Murano students, you love a party, but also love a hot shower in your ensuite and a functioning radiator.  

You have some questionable financial habits, insisting that, because you stay miles from a supermarket, it’s just “more practical” to go to the Waitrose on Byres Road. Your SAAS money disappears on rosé wine and elaborate costumes for your Hockey social. And of course, you rock the QM uniform, with a wardrobe that looks like Brandy Melville and Urban Outfitters threw up in it; your worst nightmare is your Tom’s Trunks getting muddy during your Botanics commute.

Deep down, though, you still love the fun and chaos Glasgow has to offer: just not the kind that stains your quarter zip. 

Firhill Court 

via Google Maps

You came to Firhill thinking you’d find peace and quiet—well, you’ve definitely found the quiet part. You may love a night in and are a stickler to your studies, but let’s be honest, you’re also an expert in “popping over to Murano” uninvited. Your flat is dead silent, yet somehow there’s always a pile of unemptied bins and dishes that seem to multiply on their own. 

At least you have a lovely, ahem, waterfront view. The shuttle bus to campus is basically your royal carriage, letting you wave like the Queen while your friends slog it across the West End, hungover and drenched. Plus, you have an ensuite, so yes, you’re a Murano nepo-baby, but you’re also living a life of (comparative) luxury.  

Kelvinhaugh Gate and Kelvinhaugh Street 

via Google Maps

Does anyone really know the difference? According to some Kelvinhaugh experts (definitely not my friends who I forced into helping me with this article) they are “mega different vibes,” but I bet they were both still in your top 5 choices.  

You love being close to Finnieston, with its promise of brunch spots, overpriced cocktails, and Civerinos (aka your hangover hero).

Your whole personality is living in the West End, but as soon as the sun sets, you’re halfway to central. You’re Firewater Thursday’s most loyal fan and always convince yourself it’s a good idea to run home after (spoiler: it’s not).

Despite this, congrats—you’ve officially made “living in Finnieston” your whole personality, and honestly? You wear it well. 

Winton Drive 

via Google Maps

Unfortunately, nobody’s heard of your halls, and you’re already sick of having to clarify – again – that you live next to QM, not in it. You’re in fact deeply passionate about this non-exist rivalry between Winton and QM, while secretly wishing you had their ensuites. 

Your biggest source of drama is running out of oat milk and deciding between Papercup and Kember & Jones for brunch. You probably love to host tea parties that end by 10pm, your Spotify Wrapped is 90% Phoebe Bridgers, and post endless Instagram stories of your morning Botanics walk. You’ve prioritised cozy, autumnal vibes over chaos and, to be honest, even the biggest party animals could do with a relaxing evening at Winton Drive. 

Blackfriars 

via Google Maps

You brag to everyone about being “so central”—the proximity to Aldi, Sauchiehall Street, and about a million chippies. Yes, at first, you’ll feel cosmopolitan, until you step outside and remember the bins are still on fire.  

You love the buzz of mixing with students from other Glasgow unis, until your bestie ends up playing for the enemy team at Varsity. Rivalries aside, you’re all united by the same pilgrimage to Wingstop. You can also be found in Bamboo more than you’d like to admit, and you already know the bouncers by name—unfortunately, they also know yours too.

Still, you’re living your city-girl dream: just with a side of despair.  

Staying at home 

Maybe you occasionally feel like you’re missing out, and you’d be right.

You’re missing out on silverfish, passive-aggressive flat group chats, and moldy bathrooms. Once you make a few uni friends, you can easily nepo-baby your way into the student social scene, then head home to a hangover-curing home-cooked meal. You’ve hacked the system: no heating bills, no flat drama, and housemates who actually clean the kitchen. 

Plus, you’re saving money: although ScotRail and Pret are taking £200 off you every month. Your real second home is the morning train, where you have perfected the art of doing your tutorial reading between stops.