Right, here’s your official guide for navigating gym culture at Glasgow Uni

You’ve unpacked, joined 12 societies you’ll never attend, and now you’re thinking about the gym. Maybe you want to get in shape, maybe you’re just bored, or maybe you saw the guy from your seminar there and suddenly love fitness. Whatever your reason, welcome to the chaotic world of uni gym culture.

For all the confused freshers out there, I’m here to reassure you that you are capable of navigating this weird campus world, and here’s exactly how.

The gym rats

You’ll spot them instantly in the Stevenson Building: Lifting three times your body weight at 8am while sipping a fluorescent drink that smells vaguely toxic. They live in their Gymshark sets and their GUSA jackets, have more supplements than kitchen utensils, and claim it’s a “lifestyle.” They’re harmless really — just don’t make eye contact while they’re mid-bench press.

The ‘hot girl walk’ enthusiasts

Usually in flares and an oversized hoodie, they’ve mastered the art of looking like they’re training for a marathon when in reality, they’re watching TikToks on the treadmill. Their workout consists of 45 minutes of walking, one mirror selfie, and an oat latte reward after — and somehow, they always turn up to JMS afterwards still looking gorgeous and put together. Queens, every one of them.

The confused fresher (aka: you)

You’ve entered the gym with your uni halls membership and absolutely no clue what any of the machines do or where the locker rooms are. Don’t panic — we’ve all been there, pressing random buttons and pretending to stretch while figuring out where to start. The trick is to look confident. Doesn’t matter if you’re using the leg press backwards, just commit.

The social workout crew

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They show up in groups of four or five, spend 20 minutes talking, five minutes exercising, and 30 minutes in the sauna afterwards. You’ll know they’re around because of the unnecessarily loud laughter and “bro, that was insane” echoing from the squat rack. They’re not there to train, they’re there to vibe.

Basic gym etiquette (because apparently some people need reminding)

• Wipe your sweat. It’s not optional.
• Don’t stare. It’s a gym, not Love Island.
• Put. The. Weights. Back. No one wants to play hide and seek with a 5kg plate.
• Headphones in = leave me alone. If someone’s mid-set, don’t interrupt to ask, “how many sets left?” — just wait.

Timing is everything

If you go at 6pm, prepare for war. It’s peak hour, and you’ll have to fight three rugby lads for a bench. Morning sessions are usually chill — unless you’re into the gym rat crowd. Late nights are weirdly peaceful, like a haunted house but with dumbbells.

The truth is…no one’s actually watching you

Everyone’s too busy flexing, sweating, or fighting for the one working cable machine to care what you’re doing. Seriously, you could be doing cartwheels next to the squat rack and no one would notice. So relax, do your thing, and remember “starting out” is still miles ahead of not showing up at all.

Final rep

Gym culture at uni is part self-improvement, part performance art. Some people are training for marathons; others are just there to post on BeReal. Either way, you’ll find your rhythm. Just be respectful, don’t drop weights like you’re in a Marvel movie, and for the love of all things holy — stop doing bicep curls in the squat rack.