Ranked: The definitive top 10 post night-out takeaways in Durham, according to a third year

Seeing as we are very much approaching Halloween, meaning that a lot of you are going to get it very wrong and need some food to reflect on your actions, I see no better time than this to rank the best drunken takeaway’s after a big night out. I’ve considered quality of food, price of food, likelihood of getting called boss man, general aesthetic, and your chances of getting food poisoning the next day.

10) Pizza Uno/Pizza King/Pizza Base

I know this means we’re ranking more than ten takeaways, but these places are all exactly the same. They literally have identical menu’s and pricing, you quite simply pick whichever one has the least busy queue. If I had to pick I’d go for Pizza King, it has the best décor inside.

9) Subway

Going to Subway is a bit like going to Babs – you’re getting a reliable and safe product, but you do feel slightly underwhelmed and financially strained after it. The bigger one on North Road is the best bet of the two, as you can actually sit down.

8) Bunty’s

There’s nothing explicitly wrong with it, Stantons is just better and cheaper. Unless you have got it so incredibly wrong that you cannot walk the extra thirty seconds to Stantons, why would you ever go here? Maybe I’m just salty that I once got told my food would take “just five minutes boss, just five minutes”, only to be still waiting after 20 minutes.

7) Lebaneat

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There’s just something so magical about this establishment, it is such a jack of all trades. It closes earlier than most at 11pm, but this does mean it is the ideal place to go if you realise on a bailey bar crawl that you don’t have the minerals to stand in a smoking area for three hours.

6) Best One/Dunelm

Okay, fine, these two aren’t really takeaways – but who hasn’t popped over to Best One for some gum before a big Jimmy’s night, and who hasn’t picked up a cheeky Dragon Soop at Dunelm on the way? Cheap, short queues, and a very high chance of being called boss man regardless of your gender, a regular convenience store will never let you down.

5) Paddy’s

Not really sure what to make of Paddy’s now I’m in third year. This place truly felt like a second home as a fresher, but I just can’t do it anymore. The screaming, the crying, the chaos. Your night has certainly not ended when you enter Paddy’s, if anything it’s only just started – that’s not for me anymore, but there’s something quite special about it that I have to admire.

4) NkdBird

It is perhaps a little harsh that this comes in at number four, considering that it is quite clearly the best quality of food when sober. It doesn’t quite appeal to my drunken palette, however, and it is on the more expensive side too. I’m pretty sure they actually do serve alcohol, meaning that the night doesn’t have to stop when you leave Jimmy’s.

3) Urban Oven

Pretty much just Claypath’s answer to Paddy’s, but the food is slightly nicer and the noise more tolerable. I’ve not been in a few weeks now, and I’m already getting withdrawal symptoms from the peri-peri salt. If you’re a really loyal customer, you can even win a free Urban Oven hoodie.

2) Stantons

I won’t share the quite simply minging photo of me on the Stantons wall, but I think the fact I have my photo up shows how much I love this place. £4.95 for a battered sausage and chips is absolute gold dust in this economy, and it may have contributed to my autumn “bulking” era. Solid portion sizes, and the staff in there are genuinely really sound.

1) Big Bird

I once saw someone propose in Big Bird, so I think that says it all. It truly is the theatre of dreams – literally anything can happen in there and you won’t be surprised. The food is always a smash, it’s cheap, and the location quite simply couldn’t be better. Even seeing the logo sober makes me crave it a little.

Images via Google Maps

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