‘I wish I was a lesbian’: 31 things queer women are sick and tired of hearing

‘My boyfriend wouldn’t care if I kissed you right now’

It doesn’t matter if we’re having a deep chat with close mates or a random person made an offhand comment, on a daily basis lesbians, bi women and other girls who like girls are faced with some downright weird questions – and we’re here to tell you we’re sick of it.

We know they don’t always mean it, but all too often people say things that are genuinely offensive or just too personal. So if you want to be a better ally and stop yourself from saying these things then you need to focus and understand what we’re about to tell you.

Here are 31 things queer women are sick and tired of hearing:

‘Who’s the man in the relationship’

Who is the male in a lesbian relationship? Do you realise how dumb you sound when you ask this question?? Neither of us, that is the whole point.

‘How do women even have sex??’

Unfortunately for you, I’m not about to sit here and explain the details of how women have sex with one another. If you really want to know, use Google x

‘Are you sure you’re a lesbian even though you’ve slept with a man?’

Yep. 100 hundred per cent. I’ve never been more sure of anything in my entire life. Thanks for checking though.

‘You’re too pretty to be a lesbian’

You’re too much of a knob to talk to me.

‘Do you miss having sex with men?’

No, not at all.

‘You don’t look like a lesbian’

Is this meant to be a compliment? Not every lesbian has a shaved head and nose ring x

‘Maybe you haven’t met the right man yet’

Maybe! But it’s actually more likely I haven’t met the right man because I am gay.

‘I wish I was a lesbian, things would be so much easier’

Oh yeah sure, once you get past all the shame and internalised homophobia. Oh and don’t forget having to come out to your close friends and family and throwing yourself into the unknown of how those people are going to react.

What about when we see people in our community being hate crimed for literally exisiting? Do you still think being a lesbian is easy then?

‘Can I say dyke?’

Absolutely not. Never say “dyke” or any other similar slurs unless you’re a queer woman.

‘I could turn you straight’

Believe it or not Steve, the fact you’re a man literally repulses me. You could never turn me anywhere that isn’t away from you.

‘Have you ever had real sex?’

By “real sex” do you mean penis inserted into a vagina? Your sex life must be pretty boring then, hun.

‘I always knew you were gay’

Did you really? If you genuinely “always” knew I was gay then congrats. But seriously, never say this to us. A lot of queer people spend a lot of their life time trying to conceal their sexuality – we don’t need you butting in and outing us before we even have the chance to come out ourselves.

‘What do you consider to be sex then?’

This really isn’t for me to be telling you. And you’re only asking because you’re not properly educated on it. If you genuinely wanted to know then search it up. But I can guarantee having sex means something different for every couple, so you’ll never find a definitive answer.

‘You’re my favourite lesbian couple’

Why do you have to make it weird and put “lesbian” in front of it? Why can’t we just be your favourite couple. I don’t say to my straight mates “you’re my favourite straight couple” – sounds weird, right? Yeah, don’t say it to us.

‘Women are hard to date, right?’

Sometimes?? But men are arguably harder, especially when you don’t fancy them AT ALL and you’re only dating them to keep up appearances and crush any rumours that you could be gay x

‘How did your parents take it?’

If we were friends, there’s a chance that I would maybe tell you. But there’s no way I’m going to open up to anyone who decides to ask me this.

A lot of us find it really hard maintaining the same relationship with our parents once we’re out of the closet so please don’t ask me if my mum is cool with me being gay because I might not know the truthful answer.

‘When did you decide you were a lesbian?’

Sweetie, when did you decide to be straight?? This is such a weird question to ask someone. Why would you automatically assume I’m comfortable enough with you to share that anyway??

If you want to ask me when I started to be open about my sexuality when make sure we have a solid relationship first.

‘Lesbian porn is so much fitter’

Yeah, I know. And it lasts longer than 15 minutes unlike heterosexual sex.

‘Do you fancy me then???’

No x

‘Do all lesbians really hate men?’

I don’t hate all of them but also, I don’t want to sleep with them.

‘OMG you’re so cute’

Why does everyone say this?? If you wouldn’t say it about your two straight mates getting together then don’t say it about two queer women.

‘I’m so glad you’re not butch’

Why? Would it be an issue if I was? Why does the thought of a butch lesbian make you uncomfortable? Let’s talk about that instead.

‘Will you have a threesome with us?’

Why does everyone think queer women have a burning desire to have a third wheel in the relationship? If we want a third person in the relationship, we will let you know because that is our thing to decide.

‘My boyfriend wouldn’t care if I kissed you right now’

That’s great Laura! But I would care so please don’t lay one on me for the sake of your boyfriend getting a bit of gratification from it.

‘I couldn’t be with a girl, it’s too much drama’

Just as well you’re not gay then – you shouldn’t have to worry about it.

‘What happens when you’re on your period?’

What happens when you’re on your period, Emily? Do you still have sex with your boyfriend? Oh, you don’t want to answer my question? Okay well I don’t want to answer yours either.

‘Do you prefer butch or feminine women?’

That’s like me asking if you prefer masculine or camp men? It’s a weird question to ask and quite frankly, it’s none of your business.

‘I thought you had a boyfriend before??’

Maybe I have, what’s that got to do with you? My history of previous partners doesn’t affect your life at all, so please don’t ask me about it.

‘If you date butch women, why not date a man?’

Why does the way someone dresses define their gender? Anyway, don’t worry about who we are attracted to. We’re not attracted to you x

‘I’m glad you’re not one of those lesbians’

What do you mean, hun? No really, tell me. Did you really think putting down my community was gonna make me like you?

‘Oh my God! Do you know my other gay friend??’

No I don’t. Even with the “best friend of my ex” shenanigans, shockingly I don’t know your cousin who lives in Brighton and is 10 years older than me.

What a weird thing to say. Just because you’re talking to me, you really don’t need to declare the fact you have other queer friends for the sake of me knowing you’re not a homophobe or transphobe.

Read more from The Tab’s Pride series:

• ‘They tried to pray the gay away’: Growing up gay in a deeply religious household

Seeing queer people experience homophobia makes me scared to be myself in public

• This is what it’s really like growing up with gay parents