Here is the LEAKED Fyre Festival investor pitch in all its glory
There’s no mention of dick sucking
Not sure about you, but one of the best moments of the year was watching the guy from the Fyre Festival doc explain how he was willing to suck a dude's dick for some Evian water.
How did it get to that point? Well, before the influencers turned up, there was the simple matter of getting all the money to throw the party.
And to do that, they needed some high-grade waffle. This is the presentation Billy McFarland and co were using to try and secure the $25 million. It's 43 pages of pure, undiluted schadenfreude.
You can check it out in full here, or read us rinse the best lines.
"What if we reimagined what it means to attend a music festival?"
On one hand, yes. Yes, they did do this.
On the other hand:
"The actual experience exceeds all expectations and is something that's hard to put to words. It will ignite that type of energy, that type of power in our guests."
Okay, so they didn't need to put it into words. Just two excruciating documentaries.
"Fyre has a unique goal and inspiration: the exploration of the uncharted inspired by and referencing the five elements of the earth"
Turns out they'd envisaged Fyre fest going on for the next FIVE years.
Read this, knowing exactly how it all turned out: "Throughout the next five years, we will traverse the globe to find untouched lands and convert them into unparalleled experiences. Fyre will work to bring life to each region. Through the purchase of significant land, we will utilize the each festival as a major cultural event to bring awareness, visitors and livelihood to the land."
They say it'll be "the cultural experience of the decade". Which they might have a fair claim to, actually.
"These weekends go beyond the beauty of a remote beach, its vast landscape and perfect waters. The focus is on a global audience coming together in sharing a life changing experience."
Yep, sure did that.
Check out all their super cool influencers. And Marcus Butler
It's like a yearbook, but for a school that only teaches inspirational quotes.
You've got Kendall Jenner and Emily Ratajowski. You've got Bella Hadid. And you've got Brit YouTuber Marcus Butler.
In fact, there are literally four pages of pictures of fit people.
"Hi can someone help. I've drunk 14 Red Bulls and have to give a Business presentation in 30 mins"
"Also I need to write a poem, please help"
Just try to imagine Billy standing in front of a room of millionaires, rounding off his pure fire presentation with a nonsensical poem.
A more fitting metaphor has never existed
Not only is the absolute guy MDavid's name MDavid, but he's actually referred to as MD. Not M. MD.
The man clearly has no sense of irony.
Amateurs focus on tactics. Pros focus on logistics.
— MDavid Low (@MDavidLow) November 25, 2018
MDavid is but one of Fyre's many "rockstars". All of whom happen to look like massive nerds
If you were wondering just how much fancy marketing speak was needed to end up in jail for fraud, this is your answer.
You may also like
It features brand new, never before seen footage
He doesn’t like being called the Ice Cream Shagger, believe it or not
Now this is something I can get behind
IT WAS ABOUT TIME
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times x