A definitive ranking of which Love Island boy has the worst dress sense
A thorough investigation into villa fashion atrocities
90% of the time the contestants of Love Island wear nothing but flip-flops, swimming trunks and a chiselled torso – but come the cool Mallorca evenings they realise they might actually have to cover up a little bit. This is where things start to go wrong for the fellas of the villa. Disastrously wrong. Using the Tab's patented "atrocity rating" system we've provided an in depth post-match analysis of some of the worst crimes against fashion perpetrated in front of an aghast nation.
WES NELSON: ATROCITY RATING – 6/10
Real mixed bag for Wes in the shirt department. When he pulls it off, he pulls it off – as evidenced in this delightful floral number which expertly walks the tightrope between fun and formal. Textbook.
Sadly, like Icarus flying too close to the sun, it all needs to plummet back to earth for our Wesley. This brazen ornithological number is a disaster from start to finish – from the dreary colour to the fact that he hasn't even bothered to button it up.
Hang on, haven't I seen those cranes before?
Disgraceful from Wes – waits for Eyal to leave the villa and then steals all his clothes.
However, he is saved by this very 2005 "hat/hoodie combination"
CHARLIE BRAKE: ATROCITY RATING – 9/10
Charlie is a man who demonstrably sees absolutely no fun in anything – not even a wavy shirt. How can he wear this and still just look like a depressed arms dealer?
Tiger, tiger, burning bright – why do you look so fucking shite? Cheer up.
JACK FINCHAM: ATROCITY RATING – 4/10
Jack seems like the kind of guy that would wear a simple yet tasteful shirt basically every single time and sort of nail it. I bet he's a man that still indulges in a cheeky bit of Jack Wills and wears the jumper his Granny bought him every time he visits her.
However, he clearly woke up one morning and thought "you know what, I've got to be a bit more adventurous." This was a major error. Because Jack, in his adorable, puppyish wisdom, decided to draw fashion inspiration from the men's toilets in quite posh restaurants.
Hopefully he sticks to what he knows and we don't see a repeat of this ghastly gothic attempt. Credit for trying.
JOSH DENZEL: ATROCITY RATING – 1/10
Heartbreaker Josh is exactly the kind of guy you wish had a dreadful shit shirt game. Sadly, shit shirts care not for your moral judgements and Josh manages to look fabulous in whatever he's wearing – no matter the objective dreadfulness of whatever he's plastered on himself. Let's face it -the man looks good in anything.
See Exhibit A – one of those rubbish "heavy metal aesthetic" t-shirts you'd see in Zara that Kendall Jenner wore one time. It also makes reference to the "White Noise Society" – a clear rival to the Do Bits Society – which presumably involves him piping white noise into his ears to avoid having to listen to his conscience. And does he pull it off? Of course he does.
Now he's taking the piss. He's dressed up like a Salvador Dali picture made with Microsoft Paint. And doesn't he look so suave? Even got that cheeky smile on his face – as if to say: "yeah I know that this shouldn't work but that's just the infinite style I have." Sexy and he knows it.
JACK FOWLER: ATROCITY RATING – 8/10
Jack has absolutely nailed the "60 year old man on cruise to save his marriage" aesthetic that is so crucial to the shit shirt genre.
Notable also is this denim/tartan jacket – the sartorial equivalent of a mullet:
There is one simple fashion blunder, however, that trips him up again and again:
Jack Fowler Wearing Hats That Are Too Small For Him
Why is it so high up on your head? Surely there's an adjustable strap? Doesn't it give you a headache?
DR ALEX GEORGE: ATROCITY RATING – 7/10
I know what you're thinking: doesn't Alex wear that quite nice salmon t-shirt all the time? Sadly you're mistaken as what you thought was a shirt was in fact just his impossibly pink skin.
However, the rest of time Alex dresses exactly as you expect – mostly uninspiring but with just an air of trying a bit too hard. Take this effort:
How can a wavy shirt look so vanilla? Nothing wrong with this in the slightest but there's that lingering sense that he got it from a vastly overpriced "Vintage Store" in a desperate attempt to fit in. You look much better in a lab coat, bless.
SAM BIRD: ATROCITY RATING – 6/10
Sam's early Love Island career was full of lots of chat and not much achievement and this was backed up by his wardrobe. Like the proverbial deafening whisper, Sam has gone for an effort here that manages both to be incredibly obnoxious and incredibly boring:
However he has more recently changed his tune: very big into the "golf resort manager" vibe he's employed since:
SCORES ON THE DOORS
Josh's outrageously good showing means he's obviously sailing through in first place. Jack, Wes and Sam have had their moments of atrocity but otherwise been solid. It's really between Charlie, Jack Fowler and Dr Alex for the title of "Love Island's Worst Dressed…"
BONUS ROUND: SHOES
This most recent recoupling provided us with the ultimate footwear footage – telling us everything we need to know about the boys taste in crepes.
ALEX – WHY ARE YOU WEARING CHELSEA BOOTS?
Look down the line, Alex. What do you see? 6/10 trainers after 6/10 trainers. Chunky, comfortable but ultimately unambitious footwear that serves to accentuate and highlight the outfit rather the steal the show. Look at Wes' plain white numbers; Jack's black Air Max's; Sam's Zara knockoff Stan Smiths. They've used all their fashion energy on the shit shirts, and what have you done Alex?
Fucking Chelsea Boots.
Chelsea Boots. AKA the chosen shoe of the men's rights activist; the favoured footwear of the MIC reject; that guy in sixth form that really likes Fleet Foxes and plays dreadful acoustic guitar. Nobody has ever pulled off a pair of Chelsea Boots, Alex, and you have not bucked that trend. Go directly to fashion jail, do not pass go, do not collect 50,000 pounds. For the love of God, Alex.
Maybe they look better from the back?
Things really aren't going well for Alex here, but how will this affect the final scores?
HONORABLE MENTIONS FROM THOSE NO LONGER WITH US:
Frankie – "Harvard Law Student In Problematic Reggae Band"
Alex Miller – "First And Last Person To Take Style Inspiration From Peter Andre"
Eyal – "Eccentric Billionaire Who Has Recently Gone Missing"
THE OVERALL VERDICT
Fashion is a fickle mistress. One moment you think you have it; the next it slips from your grasp. But who was the very worst?
It all came down to authenticity. Sure, Charlie and Jack Fowler looked reliably rubbish – but at least they were authentically rubbish. The same cannot be said for our loser, whose clothes desperately cleave to his body in the same way he desperately cleaves to every new girl that comes in the villa.
At the very bottom of the pile, with the worst fashion sense in Love Island, is Dr Alex George.
Fucking Chelsea Boots.