Rita Ora might actually be the most irrelevant popstar of all time
She peaked at R.I.P and why is she still famous, again?
The world of celebrity is full of mystery. There are hundreds – even thousands – of people who shouldn't be famous, but in a cruel twist of fate they just are. They get record deals without any vocal talent, they're in films looking awkward, or on talk shows making shit jokes. But there is no great mystery in the world of celebrity than this: why is Rita Ora famous?
Rita Ora is music's biggest side chick. You might think she's a popstar, but she has only ever released one album and that was back in 2012. So why is she always on our TV screens guest hosting The X Factor? She should be making fitness DVDs like other talentless celebrities.
You’ll forget about her for months and then she pops up at the met gala or something, when you least expect it. When you think about it, all she does is float around the red carpet going "thank you so much for having me, it is just so exciting to be a part of this", even though she wasn't involved in anyway whatsoever. She's there, with her "quirky" outfit on, hoping everyone is shocked (but no one really is). The celebrity equivalent of that one person who lingers at the afterparty. If this isn't enough to cast her into the trash can of popstars, see below for more evidence of why Rita Ora is the most irrelevant celebrity of all time.
You think Rita is a popstar but she never actually releases music, ever
She managed to earn 3 million quid in one year without releasing any songs. Jay Z's label Roc Nation even sued her for not making anywhere near the amount of music she was supposed to. So how the hell has she been clogging up the Daily Mail showbiz section for so long? I have nothing against famous for no reason celebrities, but Rita is so much more guest host on Loose Women than headliner for Wireless.
Anything she does release is so random, one minute she is featuring on an EDM Ibiza rave tune, another time some bloke has written a RnB slow grind for her to sing. Like where is this going?
There was that time she failed at Twitter
Rita tweeted that she would release new music if she got 100,000 retweets.
When it became clear no one gave a fuck she retweeted her one loyal fan:
Even so, she didn't even manage 2,000 retweets (I have mates in Leeds who get that writing about Fiat 500s) she, and this is the worst part, actually tried to claim she had been hacked:
This is so bad I actually feel sad for her. Literally there are fisherman in rural port towns who would be better at navigating social media than her.
She peaked at R.I.P – a song made in 2012
Her voice is so throaty it sounds like she needs a Locket. I am pretty sure she cannot go higher than a C+. She sounds like a drunk girl who chose Whitney Houston at karaoke, forgetting how hard it is to sing.
She is a Poundland version of Rhianna
RIP was originally written for Rhianna which means it had the potential to be an actually okay song. Rita is just such a fan girl, in a desperate attempt to get hold of Bad Gal Riri's spit she even went out with Chris Brown for a short period. And provided the most unimaginative excuse for still working with him after the abuse claims:
"I love him on different levels. I see how he treats his people and he’s a good person with a good heart and a lovely family."
She takes loads of pride in her acting ability but the only big thing she's been in is Fifty Shades of Grey
A film franchise that is supposed to be sexy but the only person that thinks it's erotic is your mums cheeky mate Sharon with the long acrylic nails. The kind of lady who tags the rest of her Weight Watchers "gals" in topless photos of Jamie Dornan. Sharon must be upset because Rita full on shits over the film, like look at her doing her best "shocked face":
Seriously is she playing charades, this is way to extra. And what the fresh hell is this wig she wears?
Is it made out of Lego?
Fifty Shades of Grey is supposed to be sexy right? But no-one would have sex to her and Liam's new song
It sounds like something that would be played on the dance floor section of Yates'. You know what I mean, the bit with all the disco lights where men with tight Lyle and Scott polo shirts and wet spiky hair bump and grind against women with St Moriz fake tan staining the inside of their dresses. It is just way too pumped, do they think people get the gun fingers out during missionary? This is the audible equivalent of 16-year-old jackrabbit sex and I am not into it.
Her Connor McGregor tweet wasn't funny
She captioned a picture with the cage fighter with "date night" when he had a pregnant girlfriend. Annoying tbh, she's like that girl that sits on your boyfriends knee and thinks it's okay because "he is like a brother to me". And you are like, no one does that with their brother.
In perhaps the most rogue casting move of all time, Rita became the presenter of America's Next Top Model
Imagine receiving fashion advice from someone who chose to wear a dressing gown to the EMAs.
For years she was known in the US as the woman that ruined the view of Blue Ivy at the VMAs
People would rather look at a toddler clapping than Rita Ora. A toddler that probably can't even say "tree" yet.
I am pretty sure 2018 won't be the year we bin Rita Ora, I mean she is like human velcro. For years to come she will be telling us about how she can't wait to drop her second album, sat on the front row of fashion shows, looking pensive as though she knows what taste is or jamming her face into the back of selfies to pretend she has friends. Please withdraw support. RIP Rita's career.