A brutally biased ranking of the songs on Harry Styles’s new album by how overhyped they are

Harry Styles’s long awaited album Kiss All the Time. Disco, Occasionally has arrived, and it… exists. Hey, it’s not terrible. The songs are perfectly pleasant to fall asleep to on an aeroplane. But when a musician has been an inescapable part of UK pop culture for 15 years, it shouldn’t be an ask for their music to be at least mildly interesting. The album’s title is easily the most unique bit. I’m still waiting for the disco part.

So, here is a totally biased, overly opinionated ranking of all the songs on Harry Styles‘s new album by how overhyped they are:

12. Are You Listening Yet?

This song did get my attention. The creepy humming is a bit different! The drums bring energy! Some lyrics – “your therapist’s well-fed” are moderately innovative! What a pity the rest of the album isn’t worth listening to.

11. Paint By Numbers

Woah, even Harry Styles is over Harry Styles.

10. Carla’s Song

This track made more sense to me once I’d read up on it. Harry Styles says the song is about when he introduced Simon & Garfunkel to a friend and blew her mind, then her reaction restored his faith in the power of music and the meaning of life and whatnot, blah blah blah. It’s a pity the last two minutes are so repetitive. Did Harry run out of words in his vocabulary?

9. Coming Up Roses

The violins are a nice break from Harry’s mumbling.

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8. The Waiting Game

It’s What Makes You Beautiful in a gloomier font.

7. Season 2 Weight Loss

The name and the concept really interested me. The rest did not. Harry sings: “It’s hard to tell when the thoughts are my own.” What thoughts, exactly? I couldn’t find any after the first verse.

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6. Ready, Steady, Go!

A nice song for TV producers to use in the background of a highlights montage of the Olympics, while Clare Balding has a coffee break.

5. Dance No More

This is an adequate track to awkwardly shuffle about to in a club while you wait for the vodka shots to kick in. In an interview with Zane Lowe, Harry called this song “the freest and most fun I think we’ve had in the studio”. God, I dread to think how dull his other days at work are.

4. Pop

I can only assume this song – with the brain-dead verses, repetitive chorus and half-hearted attempts at double entendre – is satirising the genre of pop music. Otherwise… yikes. I’m happy for Harry that he got laid twice, but I don’t need to hear about it on my way to work.

3. Aperture

I totally get why some people love this, and long for the synth sounds at the start to swallow them up. But I have heard this song on the radio at least once per day since 23rd January. So, I’ve listened to Harry Styles moan “we belong together” a minimum of 552 times. That’s too much.

2. Taste Back

Apple Music informs me I have listened to this 11 times, yet I honestly can’t recall a single word.

1. American Girls

Okay, his friends are in love with American girls. And? Does anyone have a decent explanation for why this song is being played so much? Is it just because it’s second on the album, and everybody is already sick of Aperture? Surely, this is the most hyped song on Harry Styles’s new album (and possibly the world).

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Featured images via YouTube.