If you do these 10 things on New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day, you’re clearly way too posh

‘Tis the season of festivities, and of deeply judging everyone who celebrates holidays slightly differently to you. If your plans for New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day include more than eight of these 10 things, then I’m afraid you definitely count as posh. Perhaps your New Year’s resolution should be to get better at hiding your upper-class origin from us plebeians x

1. You’re not even in the UK

Many people in the UK will treat themselves by going to the pub for New Year’s Eve. Hugo Huntingdon-Halls and Henrietta Hove-Haymitch III will treat themselves by voyaging to going to the ski chalet in Switzerland (for the sixth time in December).

Did you know you can get cold and drink Bailey’s in the UK, too?

2. You still haven’t tidied up all your Christmas presents

Hate to break it to you, but it’s basically January. If there’s still a mound of unopened Christmas gifts in your room, this means either a) you are disorganised b) your family is so boujie that it takes about a month to sort through all the gifts. Well, you’ve been too busy to set up your 10+ new Apple gadgets, and find wardrobe space for your 20+ new Lululemon yoga accessories!

3. You tell people you like a ‘chill’ New Year’s Eve

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Watch out if a friend/colleague/nemesis tells you their friends love a “calm” or “cute” dinner party on New Year’s Eve, and they seem judgey of your Spoons-based plans. They are not inherently more sophisticated than you. This is a clue that their friends all live in 20-acre gated estates in Surrey, with better spa facilities than five-star hotels. They don’t need to go out to a pub. Their parents have their own vineyard.

Who needs a pub when your parents have a wine cellar?

4. Drinking real champagne

When the clock strikes midnight, most of us mortals will toast to 2026 with the 13th vodka shot of the night, or some Prosecco if we want to pretend we’re fancy. Posh girlies will have been saving an genuine bottle of genuine champagne for the occasion.

5. New Year’s Day is actually important to you

Now, most people think of New Year’s Day as a special holiday for healing your hangover. Overly posh people build their sense of self on sticking to silly traditions. If your family takes your routine on New Year’s Day as seriously as the schedule for Christmas, then they’re probably posh, and have too much time on their hands. Stop reading Tab articles! You’ve got to leave for the hike now, or you won’t have enough time to change into black tie before the roast peasant! (Er, I definitely meant ‘pheasant’).

New year, new opportunity to drink gin

6. You haven’t seen your cousins in two months

You think you have some teenaged second cousins. You can’t quite remember, though, because you haven’t laid eyes on them since October. Mock GCSEs and A-Levels are in January, as are the admissions tests for most fancy boarding schools. So, your cousins are locked up in the second-best guest bedroom in the shepherd’s hut by the butler’s guest annex, with only the CliffNotes revision guides and 15 specialised tutors for company. No, they can’t watch The Traitors with you. If they don’t do at least four past papers per day, their chances of getting into Oxbridge might be reduced by as much as 2.187 per cent! God forbid!

7. Hunting on New Year’s Day seems totally normal

Your knowledge of foxes, hounds and horses doesn’t come from Bridgerton. It comes from watching (or even participating in) some annual village hunt on Boxing Day on New Year’s Day. Take a shot every time a relative complains about the trail hunting ban. You’ll be drunk before your family have even got their non-ironic tweed coats on.

8. Booking your next 20 holidays

You’d better lock in the dates for June before your friends book flights to their aunt’s villa in Tuscany

So many holiday companies have sales in January, so now is the ideal time for the posh girlies to lock in their next ten all-inclusive post-exam wellness-boosting beachside five-star Mediterranean p*ss-ups.

9. Your New Year’s resolutions sound like a SNL sketch

Please, before you upload your “ins” and “outs” on your Insta story, stop to think. Does your New Year’s resolutions list include Pilates classes, superfood fads and £100-an-hour handicraft workshops? Does it resemble a satire piece about a Kardashian’s daily routine? Babes, don’t post this. There are simpler ways to inform the world you have infinitely more money than sense.

10. Sponsored sporting activities

Obviously, raising money for charity is really important. Taking up a new hobby is a lovely New Year’s Resolution. But a sure sign of poshness is starting an expensive extreme sport (such as sky-horseback-aqua-synchronised-abseiling), pressuring your friends into giving you money (every little donation helps, even something small like £50!), then bragging about how it’s for charity (A reborn Mother Theresa? Who, me?). You’ve got lots of money, and rich friends, and a guilty conscious.

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