Let’s be real, it’s not a UK festival unless you see these seven types of people

UK festivals hold a special yet questionable place in our hearts. The quests for toilet roll, boiling water for your Pot Noodle, and the mystery of who stole the alcohol you snuck through in a Micellar Water bottle create the recipe for weekends packed of money wasted and memories gained. It’s fair to say that diversity of festival goers’ range dramatically, from age, area, intentions, and personality for better or for worse.

Here are all the types of person you are sure to run into at a UK festival.

The runner

The runner is the type of person who lacks any sort of social awareness. Once the 10 Inches cans they had back at camp start to kick in, along with the vibrations of booming speakers in every corner, they will be on the run. They have gone MIA nearly every day, ran into the heaving crowd of Hedex without a trace, promised that they were only going to the toilet and would be “right back”. When the Life 360 is whipped out, you know their liability levels have gone off the charts. If you see a runner, leave them be, they always end up face down in their camp eventually.

The mosh pit enthusiasts

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The moshers are your worst nightmare, or your favourite dream with a sprinkle of narcotics to keep your subconscious lively. Most likely to be found in Trippie Redd, 21 Savage and, AJ Tracey’s set’s, the untimely and awkward formation of a black hole in the middle of a crowd is enough to make me throw up the tinnie and brioche bun I had for breakfast.

Or, the timing is just right, creating the harmonious crashing mob of shirtless boys and their nipples flying into everyone’s faces as the beat drops simultaneously. But you have to commit or you get trampled and end up with pink eye by the end of the first night.

The neon Under Armour t-shirt gang

This group’s aim is to intimidate, circle around the festival grounds hunting for prey, and to always have a Stella in hand. Their façade, in fact, turns off any potential for a mate in a matter of seconds. Their only form of clothing for the whole, on average, four days of the festival seems to be a pair of Nike gym shorts, a neon pink or yellow Under Armour gym t-shirt, with the final touches of Air Max 95’s, a cross body bag and a Lidl bucket hat if they are feeling crazy. These types of people at UK festivals are seen to walk around in groups, therefore easily avoidable.

Post GCSE first timers

These ones are fresh out the womb. Just 16, the world is their oyster, so they go to Boardmasters to try and find themselves. The thrill of hiding a bottle of vodka in makeup containers, tucked in a tampon box or loaf of bread, mixed with the possibility of a shag in a £20 pop up tent is too much for them to handle.

In all seriousness, these guys are just there to enjoy the D&B which was played through the speakers of their field parties fuelled by apple Sourz and Elf Bars. Actually, they’re not too far away from their usual set up.

The influencer wannabes

This person thinks Reading and Leeds Festival requires a new grid post every day. Their Shein “rave sets”, glitter face paint and the obvious picture of them on someone’s shoulders is a necessity to their festival experience, or else, did they even go? Unfortunately, the muddy floor, infested toilets which drape the scenes of Reading are not up to pare with the influencer Olympics of Coachella. So a picture with the caption “skatty” will have to do.

The ‘it’s not a marathon, it’s a sprint’-ers

These types of people at UK festivals are the ones you see lying face down on the mud on the way to the festival grounds, remarkably still holding onto their half drunk bottle of nine per cent Echo Falls like their life depends on this last sip.

I know the fear of drinking to feel sober by the time you’re standing in a crowd waiting for your favourite artist of the day to start playing, to combat this, this person drowns themselves with tinnies and Aldi cider before the days started, only to crash out within the first hour of the first act. Never fear though, if you are in need of an eager, yet slightly concerning, drinking partner, they are more than prepared to drink, die and repeat the whole four days.

The pub lover

If there is a pub within a 30 minute walking distance, best believe they will make the treck, rain or shine to find the pot of gold in the shape of a Wetherspoons at the end of this mission. I will add, a £3 pint of Stowford Press to replace a pint of overpriced flat, with half foam beer is always appreciated after a night full of trying to find Alan and figuring out that a lot of people think Tottenham is shit.