If you do these 12 things on Christmas day, you’re officially a certified posh girly

Most of us mortals will be celebrating Christmas by stuffing our faces with Quality Street and binging Gavin & Stacey. But the Wilfred and Wilhelmina Huntington-Bridgerton-Windsors of the world will be spending the day pretty differently. If your family does 10 out of these 12 things on Christmas day, then you’re officially a posh girly and you have no business pretending you’re normal.

1. Your family hosts Christmas every year

Your relatives say they always come to you because the drive is easier. They’re lying. You always host because your house is the biggest and they want to drink through your parents’ stash of Malbec.

2. You have a stupidly over-the-top Christmas wreath

Your mother and her friends attended some silly Christmas wreath-making workshop that cost upwards of £100 per person and didn’t even include mince pies. The mantlepiece is strewn with real mistletoe and holly. The greenery was either purchased from a laughably overpriced farm shop, or gathered directly by the gardener’s groundskeeper’s work experience estate manager.

3. Everyone wears black tie

But when else are we going to wear the Christmas-coloured dresses?

Because Christmas is a special day, so it’s important to look the part. And because then you have an excuse to show off your new Jimmy Choos to your irritating cousins.

4. No plastic decorations!

The Telegraph’s “Guide to what’s common this festive season” insists “decoration must be fresh, like just-picked ivy, holly and fir cones”. Tell me you can afford a massive garden without telling me you can afford a massive garden.

5. It’s still dark outside when you wake up

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Not because you’re eager to open your presents. No, your parents drag you out of bed at the crack of dawn so you can trudge down to the local church. Kudos to anyone who doesn’t fall asleep during the sermon x

6. No presents until after lunch, of course

“It’s just so tasteless when children rush downstairs and tear open all their presents. Back in my day, Christmas wasn’t all about material goods and money,” says Great-Great-Aunt Gertrudella, as she sips on her £169 Moët & Chandon in a £335 Waterford crystal champagne flute, wearing pearls worth more than a house in Manchester, in her multimillion mansion in Surrey.

7. The Christmas tree is an actual tree

Plus, real trees smell unreal

That’s how Queen Victoria intended it. We wouldn’t want her ghost to start haunting Grandpapa’s en-suite again, would we now?

8. Christmas dinner might as well have been sponsored by Nigella Lawson

Boiling sprouts is an insult to your family’s tastebuds and an affront to nature. You roast them with pancetta and a spice mix from Waitrose. I don’t make the rules. Delia Smith did.

9. The dining room is a pop-free zone

Sabrina Carpenter’s Christmas songs are just too nonsensical. Your Christmas dinner is accompanied by a 50-year-old CD of warbling Christmas carols your granny considers “jolly”. And the ticking of a mahogany clock, as everyone counts off the minutes left before they can escape.

Plus, you have a dining room.

10. The King’s Speech is compulsory viewing

Scintillating.
(Image via YouTube)

Like, voluntarily. Because if your family didn’t over-analyse the precise placement of the framed photographs behind King Charles, you wouldn’t have anything to say to each other. “Ooh, no pictures of Beatrice and Eugenie! What does this mean for the fate of our fair nation?”

Other acceptable TV viewing for a posh girly is the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas day special. It’s the closest thing Tories have to trashy reality TV. You won’t be watching Gavin & Stacey because you’re too posh to get it.

11. It takes until the evening to open all the presents

Surely the biggest sign of being a posh girly is how long it takes you to unwrap the presents on Christmas day. Because there’s just so many, naturally! And you don’t want to risk the wrath of Uncle Hughbert Fitzroy-Darcy if you don’t show sufficient application for those fugly cashmere socks.

12. You go to bed super early

Well, you can’t risk being hungover when you go hunting on Boxing Day! Or when you jet off to the Maldives on the 27th of December.

Feature image credit: Maeve Relihan