The Scientific Guide to the Best (and Worst) Toilets at Warwick Uni

It’s a place for mirror selfies of an outfit you thought was cuter than usual. It’s a gossip station to badmouth your ex, and a safe space to cry after that horrendous exam. It’s also an excuse to take a break from working on your dissertation (which was only due five hours ago), or the site of your horrific chunder after that rugby circle which you vow to never go to again.  The toilets on our campus have seen it all.

After precise and extremely scientific analysis, I have compiled this list that includes all the toilets worth mentioning (if you’re trekking to Westwood to use the loo, seek help). At long last, we are able to answer the fundamental question we’ve all been dying to know: where is the best toilet in Warwick?

Before we begin with the good ones, let me warn you of places your bare buttocks should never have to see.

Copper Rooms

After fighting your way through POP’s sweaty crowd and having pushed through the freshers’ make-out session, you burst into the Copper Rooms’ ground-floor toilets and are greeted with disaster. Having to climb over that poor girl who didn’t quite survive the upside-down pints from CMD’s circle, you finally find a stall that has a working lock, only to realise toilet paper is nowhere to be found. Even if you manage to find someone kind enough to hold the door while you try to detangle yourself from your circle costume, there is no such thing as privacy in these toilets, and you are more than likely to find a few surprises, namely vomit, on your throne. This is by far my worst toilet (it’s seen me at my worst) so just hold it in until you get home or find a nice tree.

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Humanities Building

As a humanities student, I feel personal shame for the Humanities building – it is a bland, depressing, hospital-like building, and its toilets aren’t much better. The ground floor toilets are hidden down a gloomy corner of a corridor and do not offer anywhere near as much comfort as needed. The questionable stink in the air and the lack of Dyson dryers top off the overall horrendous experience that is anything in the Humanities building. However, if you’re looking to drop off a stealthy stinker, and need somewhere where your poo particles will merge with the already disgusting air, this is the place for you.

The Oculus

Something we can all agree on is that in general, the Oculus smells. However, by some act of God, this does not extend to its toilets. The colour scheme is rather intense but overall, these toilets are pleasant to look at and offer a somewhat enjoyable experience. Being a hotspot for taster lectures and open days, these toilets are unfortunately almost always busy and overridden with children (ew). If you’re not the type to want to kick a child as soon as it opens its mouth or slap a sixteen-year-old for their nonstop chatting, then these toilets may be perfect for all your needs. In short, if you’re forced to enter the Oculus, make sure to drop a visit to their toilets but make it a quickie. They’ll make you feel as happy and relaxed as I look:

Rootes

Planning on heading to your mate’s flat in Rootes for a post-Kasbah get-together? Make sure to have a wee in the bushes before you get there because what awaits is far from pleasant. Up to twelve freshers share these toilets and it shows. If using these toilets is absolutely necessary, make sure to wear shoes (sounds obvious but you’d be surprised), bring tissues because there’s never any toilet paper, and be quick about it – there’s bound to be a queue once you’re done. They’re not quite the worst toilets on campus for having a shower and bath just next door; what could possibly sound better than jumping in the tub with your mates for a cheeky soak? Rootes also gets creativity points for most obscure objects found in its toilets, as pictured below (albeit a bit blurred, for everyone’s sake tbh).

Now, we’ll travel across to the toilets where I am a regular customer. I cannot recommend these enough.

Arts Centre

Many a time I have ventured through the lush doors of the Arts Centre purely to use their toilets. They are serene. With complete privacy, free period products, big mirrors, a gender-neutral option and high-quality toilet paper, I will be making use of the fact this place is open to the public once I graduate. Not only do these toilets provide a safe, relaxing environment, but you might just hear the blissful tunes of a stranger playing the piano in the foyer to encourage your bowels along their journey. In addition to this endless comfort, the distance from door to cubicle is far enough to conceal the sounds and smells of your visit, but close enough that you can make it if you’re in a rush. If you haven’t already, go to the Arts Centre toilets and enjoy what the official @warwicktoiletreview described as a “very nice poo.”

FAB Fourth and Fifth Floor

I have to hand it to the FAB, the toilets (and everything) in this building are magnificent – however, points are deducted for them being impossible to find. Looking for complete privacy or somewhere to sit for an hour, questioning your life choices? The fourth and fifth-floor toilets of the FAB offer everything a toilet could. A completely private cubicle with leg room, your own sink and dryer, and a toilet brush in case you had an extra messy visit. Honourable mention goes out to the ground floor toilets in the FAB, especially the bonus feature of showers (the cost of living has hit us all hard so a hot shower in the FAB honestly sounds quite nice). Don’t just take my word for it – the toilets on the fifth floor were officially voted one of the best toilets on campus by @warwicktoiletreview.

Library Ground Floor

A close second to the FAB’s private cubicles are the library’s ground-floor toilets next to the library café. A very special shoutout to STEM students who actually have exams and have spent many sleepless nights in the library – this one is for you. Take a break from your revision and pop on down to these toilets for a truly wonderful, calming experience. Sound does travel in these toilets so a word of warning if you’ve had a big curry. A special little hack recommended by @warwicktoiletreview is to pop some toilet paper down the toilet before you use it, and there you have it – soundless, soft, comfortable pooing.

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