I spent a day eating only on Glasgow’s burger mile

Jesus those meat sweats were bad

bread meats bread burgerchallenge fiveguys glasgow st vincent street

The mighty burger trend has gripped Glasgow seemingly overnight, with skyscraper-high packed juicy buns filling Instagram, St Vincent Street and apparently everyone’s chat.

Always up for a challenge, I went a whole day eating only burgers, inhaling three for breakfast lunch and dinner.

Bread Meats Bread

Price £11

It feels like you’re sitting in a goldfish bowl with huge glass windows and people staring in as though you’re on trial tucking into a juicy monster with sauce dripping down your chin. Attractive.

This place is a Glasgow staple, wildly raved about and famous for its tasty hangover food, it’s always packed.

The seating is very communal, be warned you will be squashed up next to strangers.

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Gherkiny goodness

Edgiest burger: The Gorilla Cheese – grilled French brie, parma ham, berry jam and parmesan.

A good old hipster wine glass

Wine in a super noncomformist glass to get me through. Thanks booze munchies.

Five Guys

Price £14

Ready in fewer than three minutes, the double cheeseburger with bacon was the juiciest, cheesiest, most flavoursome burger imaginable.

Crispy bacon, chemical-filled sunshiney plastic cheese with an abundance of free toppings. You can have as many as you want ( BBQ sauce, grilled onions, jalapeño’s.)

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The drinks machine has over 100 flavours – Strawberry Sprite, Grape Fanta – and any combo you want to punch into the computerised screen.

There’s a downside to feeling like you’re sitting in an empty 70’s canteen though.

Edgiest burger: Nothing really, unless you make everything with the toppings.

Peanut oil fries - "Better for cholesterol" apparently

Peanut oil fries – “Better for cholesterol” apparently

The Handmade Burger Co.

Price £14

Feeling bloated and full but determined, next up was The Handmade Burger Co. just on the corner of the street.

It was the coolest decorated diner with the liveliest atmosphere, even on a bleak Monday afternoon.

With the widest range of burgers, including a whole section on pulled pork, the choice was overwhelming. The burger was pretty dry, but the chunky-fat chips redeemed the place.

There is even an independent cinema if you want some bespoke entertainment after your meal.

Burger feels

Edgiest burger: Peanut Butter and Bacon

I go to meet my friends in the cinema after loitering with intent on burger alley all day. Sitting with them I realise I am giving off a strong mustard, onion and beef smell that fills the already too-warm room.

At this point I’m starting to sweat pure grease and the button on my high-waisted shorts pushes into my stomach at what feels like a near-fatal angle. I must be covered in beads of sweat and feel my face going red, the day has ruined me.

I’m just glad it’s dark in the cinema so no one can see my shame, even if they can smell it.