Speed Dating: Indian Expertise

It’s 8.30pm. My phone vibrates, as it always does when there’s an event starting in less than half an hour. Yes, it is time for me to set up tables, sit behind a desk in the Salad Bowl and pretend I remember people’s names. Hi, take a condom! And take a look at our leaflets on gonorrhoea and all the horrible diseases a Speed Dating session can lead to! Oh, SHAG week.

9.00: Whoops. No one’s here yet. Well, except for these two girls sitting outside, refusing to come in because they’re ‘getting a drink’. Come on girls, there’s no shame in being so keen for a bit of sweet loving.

9.05: The SRC members, organisers of the event, start stressing. ‘Should we turn up the volume a bit?’ I nod, it’s a great idea: loud Taylor Swift always gets crowds to show up. Whispering ‘It’s a love story’ in secret seems to cheer up the SRC a bit.

9.15: First horde of girls: Americans. Whether I hand sticky name tags into their sweaty palms or get to feel their boobs, it’s always the same story. ‘Oh my God, what I am doing here?’ they ask. Don’t try to fool me, fresher, I’ve already noticed you’re wearing a push-up bra underneath your see-through top. So trust me, Anna, Sarah, Katy, or whatever-your-fake-name-is, you know exactly what you’re doing here.

9.20: First boy arrives. ‘Go ahead and sit in front of any girl!’ Appealing, huh? Well, he’s gay. Let’s see… Should we make a gay area? No, that’s worse. Have a gay round? No, that’s not going to go smoothly.

9.20 and 30 seconds: Gay boy leaves the premises. And never comes back.

9.25: The floor is suddenly shaking under our feet. Yes, it’s a battalion of first years at the door. Some gentlemen even found the perfect excuse to wear a suit – apparently, it’s international suit-up day. Don’t lie boys, I’ve seen you with the same outfit every day at your lectures. You’re a wannabe Barney, that’s all.

9.26: ‘Do you know which way we’re rotating? Cause I get to pick my first chick, but I’ve no idea who I’m getting next. I don’t want to talk to everyone!’ You don’t? Ah, then we’ve got more in common than I thought.

9.30: My attention is all of a sudden drawn to someone I’ll call the Smooth Indian Lover. How to seduce a girl in 4 steps: 

1) He shakes his date’s hand every time. 

2) He looks deep into their eyes before gently unbuttoning his blue ironed shirt – seriously, who irons their clothes in St Andrews???

3) Most impressive: he always manages to exchange numbers at the end.

4) The Smooth Indian then reaches for their hands and kisses them, making the girls blush and giggle.

TEACH ME!

But this intense schweffing wasn’t over by the time I headed to the Vic. Indeed, a few minutes later, I was joined by no other than… the Smooth Indian. At this point, he had unleashed his secret weapon: the rolled-up sleeves. He also had a girl’s tongue in his mouth and his hand on her ass, revealing a cheeky thong. I knew it!
 

Written by Lea Duchemin, understand writer