The 12 types of annoying Newcastle students you’ve definitely met

I love to rant. Ranting is my favourite. However, with every good rant comes good reason. In other words, if you find yourself on the list below, just know that you’ve put yourself in this position and really, there’s no-one to blame but you. I suggest you take a long hard look in the mirror and question all of your life decisions leading up to this moment.

With that in mind, let’s dive straight in! Again – don’t be offended, just do better.

1. The slow walker

If I could ban a species, it would be slow walkers. Not only are they so oblivious as to the fact they walk at a sloth’s pace, but they’re also incredibly unpredictable. I get it, you’ve got your headphones on, your coffee in hand and seemingly all the time in the world – well some of us don’t, and there is simply no need to swerve like that. Along the same lines are those who walk in the cycle lane. The only acceptable answer for doing this is to overtake said slow walkers, otherwise – stay in your lane! There’s a stick-man for a reason people, and if this isn’t indicator enough, then may I remind you of a certain ringing noise? Oh yes, that’s the cyclist telling you to get out of the way.

2. The mutual who can never remember your name

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Now, this one infuriates me to the core and if I had to write my dissertation on something that feels illegal but isn’t, it would be people who commit this heinous crime. Fair enough, most students have the memory of a goldfish but honestly, how hard is it to remember two syllables, Toby? Am I just SO unforgettable that it slips your mind? Shame on you.

Again, I’m not asking for much. I don’t need a complete rundown of my home address, place of birth, or even my star sign (although that would be quite nice), just a simple recollection of meeting me before. The most infuriating thing about this student is that you’ll have had the exact same sober conversation with them last time, yet they still can’t piece together who you are. I’d take Joe Goldberg over this kind any day.

3. The Schoffeler 

Agri students, I’ll let you off the hook – as for everyone else, are you ok? I’m both scared and concerned for your wellbeing.

Much like those still brave enough to rock The North Face puffer, Schoffel-wearers know what to expect. They want a reaction. It’s basically the equivalent of having a huge target on your back (something us Southerners don’t need more of). Seriously though, this vest-style gilet is the stuff of my nightmares and I would rather stay in the reduced section of Soho all night than ever have to come face-to-face with one of these things again.

4. The dangerous driver (scooter edition)

Sure, they may seem harmless from afar, but these students are the deadliest in the Toon. The interesting this is, you’re supposed to have a UK Driver’s License to be able to ride one of these things, yet you look like you can’t even control a manual scooter at best. What’s more, I can guarantee you didn’t pass the learners course at Lego Land.

I’m not saying you need to be able to parallel park (not that you could anyway) but maybe avoid the reckless driving? It’s difficult enough trying to walk in a straight line to lectures, without the added fear of being struck by you. Please just get some lessons in grace and decorum the next time you decide to get behind the handles of such a hazardous vehicle.

(Fun fact: I actually have been hit by one of these before. 0/10, would not recommend to a friend. I ended up twisting my ankle, apologising profusely and now I get PTSD every time I see something orange).

5. The one who HAS to talk on speaker phone in public 

This baffles me and quite frankly, I have a toxic relationship with students who do this.

On the one hand, I love a good eavesdrop and it makes for an entertaining stroll if I’ve forgotten my AirPods. On the other hand, nothing irks me more than people who love the sound of their own voice. We’re in a public setting for crying out loud. Have some respect.

Is it ballsy? The definition. But do I need an in-depth detail of how “absolutely battered” you got in Swingers last night? No, and neither does the rest of Newcastle so please pipe down. Speaker phone can only ever be justified in the privacy of your own home or if you’re making a call to 999. End of.

6. The student who can’t wear a scarf to save their life

It strikes me that the same people who can’t work a phone properly are also the same who can’t seem to style a scarf correctly either. I don’t want to bash because truthfully, I’m jealous – it’s my biggest dream to be a y2k girlie who can pull of an urban knit scarf which looks like moths have had at it for at least a decade.

At the same time however, I can’t help but get annoyed at the sight of crochet. Firstly, it’s the way these scarves are worn. It’s supposed to wrap around your neck, not over the top of your jacket, silly! More importantly, where’s the insulation? Super impractical if you ask me. There are holes in your scarf. Literal holes. Have you not seen the snow lately? It defeats the whole purpose of extra layers.

7. The late one with the loudest shoes 

Ugh, this aggravates me to even type but alas, the rant must go on.

This is pretty self-explanatory, yet I will say, set an alarm and get a grip. Okay, a bit harsh considering “not everyone’s a morning person” but you have two options here: turn up on time or don’t turn up at all. Simple as that. The most annoying thing about this student is the fact that they could easily sneak in without notice if they didn’t insist on wearing the clunkiest, most ear-bleeding shoes known to man. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good pair of Docs but maybe avoid wearing this style of shoe the next time you’re fifteen minutes late. Sincerely, all your peers.

8. The Katniss Everdeen

I don’t know whether to be in awe or annoyance at this one. I suppose it’s good that someone’s volunteered as tribute in seminar discussions. However, the sacrifice doesn’t always need to be made. What frustrates me most about this person is that they’ll actually ask a question when the lecturer says “any questions?”. Nobody’s expecting it. I’m shocked. You’re shocked. Even the lecturer’s taken aback, and probably now wishing you’d return to District 12.

9. That one with the really distinctive voice

You know the one. Often found lurking in the shadows at the back of the lecture hall. Low but naturally loud voice? Good, we’re on the same page.

Apologies if this is you, I get that no-one can help the way they sound, but a little self-awareness goes a long way. What annoys me most about this breed, is that they’ll always have something to talk about. Buddy, I didn’t drag myself out of bed for my 9am to be taught by you. Are you the guest speaker today? Didn’t think so. (Bonus points if their laugh is just as irritating).

On top of these, we have the noisy packer. Just out of curiosity, where do you so desperately need to be that you can’t wait an extra two minutes for the lecturer to finish talking? This isn’t just annoying, it’s rude. SO rude.

10. The honorary team mascot

By popular demand, we have athletes. I don’t want to name and shame, but rugby boys – this one’s for you.

I’ll admit, I love to rep my personalised puffer jacket just as much as the next bench warmer, but unlike some, I understand that there is a time and a place for such patriotism. To reiterate, whilst you should be very proud of all your athletic accomplishments, nobody likes an FKW and there is simply no need to wear the same uniform every day of the week. Do you genuinely have no other clothes or do you just forget your name so frequently that you need the two initials on your trackies to help remind you? Side note, surely they need a wash by now.

11. The Moaning Myrtle 

Repeat after me: “We’re all in this together”.

Exactly, everyone’s in the same boat. Especially when it comes to strikes.

You’re not the only one affected so stop huffing and puffing about that research workshop that keeps getting cancelled when in reality we both know you’d sack it off anyway. I understand industrial action is annoying, but you know what’s even more annoying? You constantly throwing a pity party. Canvas is there for a reason. Catch up like the rest of us.

12. The key cutter’s no.1 customer  

If I had a pound for every time one of my housemates knocked on my bedroom window at 2:00 in the morning to let them in, I might just be able to pay off my student finance in time for graduation. In all seriousness though, I’m done playing mum.

What tops this, you ask? Not even attempting to disguise the fact that you haven’t locked the door behind you when leaving the house. I know most people have those heavy ones which shut automatically – I have a crappy plastic handle which clearly none of my flatmates can seem to navigate. Honestly though, what is your excuse? Just because you’re in the mood to get burgled today, doesn’t mean I am.

“It’s fine. There are people in already”. Exactly – it’s like an open house for murderers, Alex.

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