‘He covered me in lube hot dog style’: Glasgow’s worst Tinder date stories

‘I was unsure whether it was a genuine threat or something sexual’

6 months ago | UPDATED 6 months ago

In Glasgow, love is alive and kicking. From being thrown around the botanical gardens to being turned into a human slip-and-slide, I think it’s safe to say, that anyone who tells you romance is dead, is nothing but a chronic liar.

Students from across Glasgow’s universities have agreed to share some of their most awkward, somewhat amusing, and slightly traumatizing first Tinder dates.

‘I was unsure if it was a genuine threat or something sexual’

“I was freshly 18 and new to the world of online dating when I agreed to go round to this 25-year-old man’s house. I walk in and he looks nothing like the pictures, imagine a seedy drug dealer mixed with an army cadet. As we get a few drinks down he manages to tell me how he’s been in mental institutions and can’t keep a job due to his anger issues.

“As the night continues, he brings over his knife collection to show me, 20 minutes later he begins to threaten me, I was unsure if it was a genuine threat or something sexual. Being naive and 18, I still hooked up with him and spent the night. Promptly blocking him the minute I left.”

It may have taken a saga of red flags, but promptly blocking him was very wise.

‘The first red flag was he suggested we go to the cinema to see a kid’s movie’

“I was trying to hit my record of the biggest age gap by proudly going on a date with a man double my age. The first red flag was he suggested we go to the cinema to see a kid’s movie, and he audibly laughed at all of the jokes throughout. After about 30 minutes of me pretending to laugh along I snoozed off, waking up to the end credits and my date awkwardly staring at me not sure if he should leave or attempt to wake me.

“I walked him to his bus and found an excuse to head home (alone). He still messages me about once a month to arrange a future date, which I ignore.”

Yes, he was double your age, but he sure made up for it with his taste in movies. All I want to know is, what was the movie?

‘He covered me in lube hot dog style’

“I found a guy on Tinder that I vaguely knew through mutual friends who invited me out for drinks, after drinks, we ended up going clubbing with said mutual friends. One thing led to another, and we ended up going back to his and hooking up.

“To my absolute horror, this guy pulls out an industrial-sized tube of lube and starts to cover me, hot dog style. This stuff was all over me, in my hair, all over my body, I couldn’t be arsed to go home so I fell asleep in his bed and in the morning did my horrific walk of shame back to Murano; and spent an hour and a half trying to wash it out.”

Wow, he really tried to turn you into a human slip-and-slide.

‘He abruptly picked me up as a show of strength’

“I met this guy on Tinder, we had been speaking for a while and finally decided to meet up at the Botanic Gardens. He spoke to me the whole way there on the subway, I could barely hear what he was saying so just smiled and nodded awkwardly.

“Once we arrived at the gardens, he began to proudly – and quite loudly – boast about how strong he was. Already consumed by second-hand embarrassment, he abruptly picked me up as a show of strength. After this, as our time together was coming to an end, he gave me a lecture on how he HATES vaping and how he HATES those who do it. It was at this point he noticed my Strawberry Ice Lost Mary in my hand, he then proceeded to throw it in the river, because that’s apparently how you win a girl over.”

You deserve a Pride of Britain Award for somehow not throwing him in the river after your vape.

‘She told me I smell just like her brother’

“I met this girl on Tinder, and we hit it off instantly. Finally, we found a time that we could both manage. She suggested watching a few episodes on Brooklyn 99, we lived in the same accommodation, so my journey to hers was just up two flights of stairs. I got there and all was well. We weren’t really watching the show, but we were talking and laughing a lot.

“After a few hours, one thing led to another and we started making out, I’ll spare you the details, but at one point she was practically eating my neck when she suddenly stops. I thought something was wrong. I asked her if she was alright. Her response? “I am, but you smell just like my brother”. As you can imagine the mood was completely ruined. I still see her around, and she attempts to make small talk, but I find it too awkward. I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable?”

You’re not being unreasonable; this is very strange indeed.

‘I had walked pretty much the entirety of Glasgow for nothing’

“My flatmate had been mentioning a friend who she had thought would like me, so I thought yeah I’ll give it a go. So I got his Snap and the way he spoke made him seem really confident and forward. We met up when he got off his train and I was slightly late as I tried to tidy my room (I’m sure you know why). It was slightly awkward at first and as he took me to this musty pool bar, we found out that you had to book in advance… and he hadn’t. Mind you, it was a Saturday night. Slightly defeated we moved on to the next place he knew which was conveniently in the middle of the Gorbals. We walked there, and it was booked too. I was starting to get deep second-hand embarrassment.

“So, we decided just to get food somewhere and we eventually ended up in a Wagamama’s. He paid for all of my food, and then said “Sorry I need to get my train back”. IT WAS 10PM! I had walked pretty much the entirety of Glasgow for nothing. It was just awkward.”

His buying you dinner was really the least he could do after taking you on a wild goose chase around Glasgow.

‘There was pasta sauce all over his mouth and talking with his mouth open’

“I met this boy through Tinder and thought he was nice enough, he was six foot three, brunette, and funny, which ticked all the boxes for me. We arranged a date sometime during April time and we decided to go to Sugo. We met at the train station and the first thing wrong about this was he wasn’t six foot three… he was actually five foot eleven or something, not as he described.

“When walking to Sugo, there was no conversation with him, it was all from me. I asked about his day, what he had been up to, and what his plans were for the week and I was getting dry responses which was so awkward and he didn’t ask anything about me. We sat down at Sugo and we talked a little bit. We order our food and get it fairly quickly. This is where it goes south.

“He starts eating the pasta messily, leaving pasta sauce all over his mouth and talking with his mouth open. I wanted to leave right there and then. I feel so sick to my stomach I can’t even finish my own pasta and he asks ‘what’s wrong’ with red tomato sauce all over his mouth and I say ‘nothing’ and firm it and eat the remaining pasta. After, the bill comes and he asks to split the bill. I pay for my half of the food and we go on a walk but I tell him my mum has an emergency at home and I get the bus home. I blocked him that night.”

This man sounds like he’s lacking any sort of personality.

Best to stick to Hinge.