Here’s what your regular coffee order says about you, from an Exeter student barista

Do you reward yourself with coffee at the smallest inconvenience? Are you intellectually dependent on caffeine? Do you take yourself to a cafe just so you look productive when it’s time to BeReal?

If anyone knows the answer, it’s probably your barista. Yes, I hate to break it to you, but we are analysing your movements like this is an episode of Blue Planet. So here I am, officially shattering my delusions of being hot mysterious barista girl, and revealing all the creepy observations I have made through the coffee machine in my time as a student working in Exeter. This is what your regular pick-me-up says about you.

Latte

Starting out with a basic, and the most lacklustre. I assume you don’t drink coffee and don’t know what to order, but if this is a new phase I’m concerned. Maybe you’re feeling a little numb because the diss is impending, or perhaps your latest bills just came through. If it’s single or half shot that’s even more concerning, and, whatever is going on, I hope you get your sparkle back.

Flat White 

You like your coffee and I respect it. The smaller sized cup will last perfectly en-route to campus, and you’ll look really cool sipping it in your 9am. Do be warned, however, the comically miniature presence of a flat white cup within one’s hands might just be too much alpha energy to handle. A trophy for the rugby boys and the Brexit champions, we ask ourselves, what came first, toxic masculinity or the flat white?

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Espresso

This brings me onto the espresso. If flat white drinkers think they’re huge, imagine the sheer cockiness of the espresso drinker. You’ll probably shot it right in front of me at the machine, and maybe even finish with an EG. Likely a law student, but you act as though you’re managing the workload of a barrister. I’m a barista too by the way, it’s just spelled differently?

Hot chocolate

Something about being a regular hot chocolate drinker screams regular Unit One goer. Sorry.

Cappuccino

You definitely have a Pret subscription. Definitely from Kensington and definitely wearing a skinny scarf, I don’t make the rules.

Iced latte

I could be mean, but I’m not going to. Sometimes you want a cold coffee and that is ok. What I can’t condone is the absolute monstrosity that comes with the iced latte order. Two pumps vanilla, one pump caramel? Extra ice but not too much? I don’t think so. Go touch some grass and think about what you’ve done.

Matcha and Chai latte

Green flag. Extra points for oat milk. You’re feeling wholesome today and I appreciate it. The Pinterest board is coming to life, the Uggs are on, the bangs are banging and honestly I’m happy for you.

Cortado

I’m picturing Schoffel and Tom’s Trunks. Same vibe as the flat white but more Exet-ah. I also imagine you mansplain really excessively in seminars and carry your laptop without a case. I don’t know why I have it out for the cortado drinkers, but I absolutely believe you scam people for £30 TP tickets on Overheard.

Dirty Chai

It goes like this: You tentatively approach the till, I look up from my screen, our eyes lock, and you ask, “please may I order a dirty chai?”. Why can I feel your discomfort? Why am I now uncomfortable? Are we about to kiss? I don’t know what ordering a dirty chai says about you because now I’ve got brain fog and am hiding out back.

Smoothie

If you’re opting for some fruity goodness, either you’ve just smashed out an early session at the gym, or you took it way too far with the venoms last night. I can’t promise it’s going to recover your liver, and certainly not your bank account, but hopefully you can enjoy a decent debrief without it making any unwanted reappearances (please).

Decaf

How do you expect to climb forum hill? You’re either a silly fresh or not working hard enough. Choose a different degree.

And with that, I conclude my research. If anyone catches me placing an order in a cafe from this point onwards please mind your business. However, if you are going to catch me placing an order, it will probably be in The Undergrad. Rumour has it it’s the best coffee spot in Exeter, and in my totally unbiased opinion I would be inclined to agree.

Head to @sunday_collab_uk on Instagram for information on the best coffee, and @undergradcafe for all things fun, food, drink and evening events.

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