A rundown of the most middle-class things on the John Lewis uni ‘essentials’ list 2024

Don’t forget your air fryer, Châppèlle-Röanne Huntington-Robertson-Smythe III!

4 months ago

John Lewis has made another back-to-uni essentials list for 2024, and it’s the most middle class yet.

Planning what duvet case and posters to bring back with you to uni can help ease the feelings of impending doom that accompany starting another year of studying. Most students do their back-to-uni haul in Ikea, the depths of Facebook Marketplace or their parents’ cupboards when they’re not looking. However, the Tarquins and Tatianas of the world don’t mingle with us plebeians in Wilko and shop for their returns to Russell Group unis in John Lewis instead.

Fear not, Araminta Corbet-Talbot IV, because the John Lewis uni essentials list is back and bougier than ever. As well as 304 back-to-uni essentials, the John Lewis website also features a guide to planning your uni shopping, 20 special items selected by their reviewers and a downloadable Off To Uni checklist (which covers airfryers, coffee machines and kindles as well as cutlery).

To be fair, some of the items on the essential list are actually quite useful. You will need a pan to make your pesto pasta in six times a week, and a pillow case for your flatmate to puke in during Freshers’ Week. But there are many more items that no self-respecting fresher would ever need, want, or fit into their parents’ car (unless, of course your parents’ car is a Mercedes horse box).

Here are the least essential and most middle class items on the John Lewis 2024 uni essentials list:

Halo Light Therapy Lamp, £219

It kind of looks like a toilet seat
(Image via John Lewis)

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I’m not entirely sure what a therapy lamp is. Maybe it’s because you might need therapy to recover from the embarrassment of telling your flatmates you spent £219 on a lamp?

According to the product description, “Lumie Halo is a multi-functional light therapy lamp carefully designed to bring harmony into your day from am-to-pm, all year round. Inspired by nature, it offers shades of natural sunlight in Day Mode, as well as reduced-blue light content in Evening Mode, helping to optimise your environment throughout the day.”

I think there is scientific evidence that getting more sunlight is good for you. However, you could probably just step outside and save yourself £219.

Duet 2-in-1 Hair Styler, £304

John Lewis hair straighteners for the middle classes

It might work really well, but I won’t be spending the £304 required to find out
(Image via John Lewis)

Roll up, roll up! This absolute bargain product is on sale from £379 to an astoundingly cheap £304. Buy now to save £75! (Or, save £304 by not buying it at all).

I’m sure that it’s a very nice hair straightener. However, for a student to have a spare £304 to splurge on one, they’re going to have to tutor a hundred grumpy GCSE students or start an OnlyFans account.

Moleskine Large Soft Cover Ruled Notebook, Myrtle Green, £21.90

A middle class notebook from John Lewis is not a uni essential

One water bottle leak and your whole degree is stuffed.
(Image via John Lewis)

John Lewis described this on their “20 of the best things our reviewers tried this year – which we think you should take to uni” as an “Everyday notebook”. I can guarantee that no student will use this on any day. No student has handwritten notes since low-waisted jeans were cool. Plus, all it takes is for you to pick up your coffee a little too quickly and your whole degree will dissolve into caffeinated mush.

Handheld Clothes Steamer, Blue/White, £59.99

A very middle class John Lewis clothing steamer (no, really)

Because every student’s bedroom looks just like that
(Image via John Lewis)

What good value! This clothes-steaming device has been reduced from £109 to a bargain £59.99 – presumably because no student is stupid enough to buy it? Most students lack the willpower to iron their t-shirts, let alone steam a chiffon shirt. Plus, if you do need to get the creases out of something, you could just hang it next to the shower for free.

Jadeite Betty Bird Cushion, £20

I reckon I could draw a better bird than that and I’m dyspraxic (Image via John Lewis)

I’m sure there is a person out there who finds this bird design whimsical and cute. I am not that person. I kind of think it looks like a toddler grabbed a sharpie and drew all over it. I don’t know where John Lewis expects students to put a cushion, since their tiny uni room won’t have a sofa and it’s the wrong shape for a desk chair. Maybe displayed as a piece of textile artwork on the shelves? £20 is a lot to spend on a cushion which will probably be irrevocably stained with Domino’s sauce after two days. If you need a cushion, just take one from your parents’ sofa when they’re not looking.

3-Tier Heated Indoor Clothes Airer, £100

A heated clothes dryer which John Lewis thinks students would use

Could you not just put your socks on the radiator?
(Image via John Lewis)

For those of you to scared to use a Circuit Laundry tumble-dryer or too lazy to wait for your clothes to dry by themselves, you might want to shell out £100 for a plug-in clothes airer that heats up like a radiator! Not.

I appreciate that tumble-drying might destroy your clubbing tops, and that it’s difficult to get your bedsheets to dry in a student accommodation bedroom barely big enough to house a hamster. But I don’t know why a student needs a clothes airer that heats up. Why do you need your clothes to be dry that extra ten minutes quicker? If I had a spare £100 to spend on a heater, I’d get one for humans, not for my socks.

Bambino Plus Coffee Machine, Silver, £349.95

A very middle class coffee machine from John Lewis

Marble kitchen counters are a feature found in all good uni halls (not)
(Image via John Lewis)

Look, I get that the times are a-changing now that Pret is ending its magic subscription and you can no longer get 150 vanilla caramel gingerbread extra shot oat mochas with cream each month for £30 (or for free, if you have a friendly flatmate). Many of us will have to find new ways to not collapse from sleep deprivation in our 9am lectures. But I’m not sure if a £349.95 coffee machine is quite the way to go. It’ll take up half the kitchen, as well as most of your savings account.

Striped Coastal Throw, Blue, £35

A colour almost as dreary as uni halls are
(Image via John Lewis)

I’m afraid a “striped coastal” blanket might be a better fit for Hugo Windsor-Bridgerton’s Cornwall holiday house than for their uni halls. If that gets brought to uni, you’re just asking for a fellow fresher to throw up over your throw.

Pro Spot Cleaner, £129.99

Some kind of contraption from John Lewis

Looks like something out of Star Wars
(Image via John Lewis)

Not me clicking on this thinking that it was a device to clear up my acne…

Upon further examination, it appears that this machine is a mini hoover with water and detergent in, which will supposedly clean up spills on carpets. It’s true that the carpets of uni halls are stained with all manner of substances that would confound biochemistry students. However, it’s probably cheaper to pay extra cleaning costs at the end of term than it is to buy machine. Or, you could just use your hands?

Ninja Air Fryer, £88

Those air fried nibbles are too bougey for me to tell what they are
(Image via John Lewis)

I have no doubt that chips in this would slap. However, all it takes is one drunken flatmate and their post-clubbing kebab of dubious origins, and your shiny new £88 kitchen gadget will be forever ruined by congealed brown gunge.