Um, AliExpress has made a back-to-uni list and it couldn’t be weirder

It’s that time of year again. After scraping through to the next year of uni and enjoying about two weeks of not doing coursework, September is round the corner. It’s time to start panicking about packing for the next term. Fear not, because the AliExpress back-to-uni essentials list is full of deeply unessential items such as lion-shaped rucksacks and metal containers for microwaves.

AliExpress’s Back to School sale lasts from 19th to 25th August, and offers an extra 70 per cent off items (although, many of the items supposedly in the sale are full price still).

The AliExpress Back to School sale section of the site promises “This back to school product is a great gift idea, it would make a wonderful ornament for your lovely baby.” Yes, I’m sure my non-existent infants would love their rooms to be decorated with staplers and USB sticks.

Here are the most useless, more bizarre, or just most flat-out disturbing items that AliExpress recommends you buy for uni.

Funny bone ballpoint pens, £1.68

There’s something funny about these bones…
(Image via AliExpress)

Well, I certainly found these funny… These “realistic funny bone shape ballpoint pens” have been reduced 75 per cent to a bargain £1.68 – that’s about 6p per pen. For just £12, you’d have enough for a whole human skeleton.

Now, I’m no STEM student, but I’m pretty certain that human arm bones don’t look much like this?

An alleged funny bone-shaped biro
(Image via AliExpress)

Realistically, no uni student this side of 2000 is going to get through 25 biros – even normal-looking ones.

Rapid Ramen Bowl, £2.37

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I reckon I could make a more realistic-looking image than this out of clipart on Canva
(Image via AliExpress)

Instant noodles are a staple of uni cupboards. What they lack in flavour, texture and any vague nutritional value, they make up for in speed. Now, how about instead of pouring hot water into the Pot Noodle packet, you boil a kettle, transfer the noodles into a separate container, add the hot water, put the metal container in a microwave (yes, you read that right), and still have to wash up the bowl afterwards? Sounds super speedy!

However, since the bowl is just £2.37 in the AliExpress back-to-uni sale, maybe it would be worth buying and finding an alternate use for this entirely useless appliance. Perhaps it could be repurposed as a bargain bathroom bin? Or you could pass it to your flatmate to puke in during Freshers’ Week?

Whatever the hell this is, £13.52

Bringing this to a lecture may start another wave of student protests (Image via AliExpress)

Er, remember when Kylie Jenner wore this lion head dress to a fashion show in Paris? Didn’t you just think, “God, I would just love if that lion head were five times taller and I could strap it onto my back?” Yeah, me neither. If you want to rock up to your 9ams looking like you slaughtered Simba, scraped his brain out of his skull, and shoved your Stanley water bottle inside, then you’re in luck! The AliExpress back-to-uni list has you covered!

Cotton Duvet Cover Monochrome Cover Single Double King Size Solid Color Quilt Cover High Quality Bedding Cover, £21.21

What a practical size for a uni room which fits approximately three people standing up
(Image via AliExpress)

The name is almost as long as the duvet cover is, and I doubt either will fit into your uni room. Most beds in freshers’s halls are one size up from the beds my Sylvanian Families toys had.

The AliExpress back-to-uni list promises to be “the perfect secret weapon to stand out from the Fresher Fashion Crowd and reinvent your university bedroom.” Certainly, nothing stands out like plain white bedding!

If your uni accommodation does bless you with a double bed (or, Mummy and Daddy blessed your bank account with the pocket money for a pricier room) then you might want something that looks a tad less… soulless? Nothing screams “I’m dead inside” quite like a plain navy duvet colour.

5 in 1 Dinosaur Stationery Set, £7.79

Guess what my 9-year-old cousin is getting for Christmas this year
(Image via AliExpress)

“No, mum, my plastic dinosaur isn’t a toy! It’s a 5-in-1 stationary set!” cried no university student, ever. These T-rexes supposedly have rulers in the roofs of their mouths, pencil sharpeners for tongues, pencils in their tails, and staplers in their – ahem – nether regions. However, there are no photos depicting the stationery items in use.

Where exactly does the stapler pop out from?
(Image via AliExpress)

It remains a mystery as to what the fifth component of the 5 in 1 stationery set is, as only four are detailed in the product description. Well, bringing this to your induction talks in Freshers’ Week will certainly be a conversation-starter.

No-punching hole board table partition,  £1.18-£20.90

You are welcome to attempt to describe this for me
(Image via AliExpress)

I’m not going to lie to you. I have stared at this item on AliExpress’s back-to-uni list for about ten minutes, and I am still none the wiser as to what it is, how it works, or what on earth would possess people to purchase it. It appears to be a big plastic sheet with holes in which you can attach various clips and hooks to (all sold separately) then put on a table, as opposed to just putting your keys on the table? I wouldn’t trust this contraption to hold the weight of a feather, let alone my pot plants.

Online Dating Expert Leather Shoulder Bag, £11.89

So sexy
(Image via AliExpress)

Nothing screams “dating expert” like strutting around campus with a bag shaped like a phone that’s older than you are and reads “If you want me just call me !” It’s a sure way to tell all the other students that not only are you a dating expert, but that you’re clearly accustomed to human interaction of all kinds. The rucksack claims to be made of leather, although considering the material list only mentions “computer interlayer” I wouldn’t put money on it having every been near a cow.

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