Just the 10 best fictional celebrity sagas on Twitter’s Fake Showbiz News
Fake Rochelle and fake Marvin really have it rough
Whoever runs Fake Showbiz News on Twitter needs formal recognition for services to entertainment.
The parody account remains to this day the best thing on the internet. It literally never misses. Never gets old. Just a consistent stream of absurd and obviously fake situational laughs.
Ellie Goulding says she can’t believe there are more than 800 missing people in the UK.
“Where the fuck are they all?” she said pic.twitter.com/zOTtDm5sEf
— Fake Showbiz News (@FakeShowbizNews) August 8, 2018
The stray tweets are golden on their own. Just a celeb making a sweeping statement with a bemused picture to accompany it.
But where Fake Showbiz News hits its stride is with the sagas. The running jokes. There’s some poor celebs who now have become so wrapped up in the weird, imaginary FSN lore that I’ve had to set up Twitter alerts so I don’t miss the latest fictional update on the plotlines.
It’s the kind of stuff that has you sat wheezing to yourself on the train. Proper belly laughs.
Here’s 10 of the best ongoing sagas over on @FakeShowbizNews:
The various Dolmio Day antics
Louise Redknapp SCRAPS plans to switch her Dolmio Day from Wednesday to Thursday.
“Now isn’t the time,” she told reporters pic.twitter.com/KqwYhxW6Wz
— Fake Showbiz News (@FakeShowbizNews) April 11, 2020
Stacey Solomon becomes first UK celebrity to have TWO Dolmio Days – Monday and Thursday 🍝 pic.twitter.com/sUajGHmWv0
— Fake Showbiz News (@FakeShowbizNews) May 10, 2021
New Gorillaz album to feature guest vocals from Paulo Wanchope, Sofia Dolmio and Toby Young pic.twitter.com/4vaCnphvLG
— Fake Showbiz News (@FakeShowbizNews) January 20, 2021
I don’t care if it’s about the changing of the all important Dolmio Day or if it’s an update on what Sofia Dolmio, aka the most iconic puppet in Italy, is up to. If Fake Showbiz News tweets the word Dolmio, it’s funny.
Cat Deeley hating Snow Patrol
Cat Deeley says you know the expression ‘throwing someone under the bus’? Well that’s what she’d like to do with Snow Patrol – but for real! pic.twitter.com/WWxOkXDeeo
— Fake Showbiz News (@FakeShowbizNews) May 25, 2021
Cat Deeley says Ashley Roberts seems smart, kind, funny and beautiful – but sadly her refusal to condemn Snow Patrol means they can never be friends pic.twitter.com/ENLMMP6x6V
— Fake Showbiz News (@FakeShowbizNews) March 29, 2021
Cat Deeley reveals her intense dislike of Snow Patrol is the main reason she has spent the past 15 years living and working in the US.
“I just had to get away from them,” she said pic.twitter.com/jfd7ayHcKm
— Fake Showbiz News (@FakeShowbizNews) February 7, 2021
One of the most prolific sagas is Cat Deeley’s endless FICTIONAL hate for Snow Patrol. Fake Cat Deeley really wants that band to be erased off the face of the earth and it’s hysterical.
Richard Hammond being unnerved by gays
Richard Hammond says he imagines the rule of six and the warm weather means gay men will be having all sorts of lewd garden fun this evening pic.twitter.com/YwXuRucMZC
— Fake Showbiz News (@FakeShowbizNews) April 24, 2021
Richard Hammond says it annoys him that gay men can just stroll around swimming pool changing rooms looking at all the willies.
“I make sure mine is never out for long,” he told reporters pic.twitter.com/eJjeSOOHn8
— Fake Showbiz News (@FakeShowbizNews) March 28, 2021
Richard Hammond says he’s proud to report there’s nothing in his record collection that could even remotely be described as a “gay anthem” pic.twitter.com/9vy0RBmNuK
— Fake Showbiz News (@FakeShowbizNews) June 11, 2020
It’s an exaggerated saga, but one that is based on truth. Richard Hammond came under fire for saying in reference to eating a chocolate Magnum: “It’s all right, I don’t eat ice cream. It’s something to do with being straight.”
… Okay, Rich! Anyway, Fake Showbiz News took the fragile masculinity and ran with it.
Adrian Chiles being unnecessarily horny
Adrian Chiles says he isn’t completely sure what ‘hot mess’ means but he thinks he might be a hot mess pic.twitter.com/NKiPa90fWM
— Fake Showbiz News (@FakeShowbizNews) April 30, 2021
Adrian Chiles reveals he’s thinking of writing a book about some of his wildest sexcapades pic.twitter.com/UoaFwx3ltI
— Fake Showbiz News (@FakeShowbizNews) May 18, 2021
Adrian Chiles pledges to make his sex life carbon neutral by 2024 pic.twitter.com/lBErkFPsjB
— Fake Showbiz News (@FakeShowbizNews) January 31, 2020
A gross one but a good one.
Jessie J’s chain of imaginary abattoirs
Jessie J announces 15 redundancies at her abattoir in Hampshire.
“A lower wage bill means more profit for Jessie J,” she cackled pic.twitter.com/tpqTyBSPfs
— Fake Showbiz News (@FakeShowbizNews) August 12, 2019
Jessie J reveals she’s ordered some “truly horrendous” machinery from Russia that she hopes will generate record-breaking profits for her abattoir pic.twitter.com/kgOHaPq7j8
— Fake Showbiz News (@FakeShowbizNews) April 1, 2021
Jessie J announces she’s recruiting 40 new staff for her abattoir in Hertfordshire.
“We pay minimum wage but there’s no toilet,” she warned pic.twitter.com/gThaTo3AbN
— Fake Showbiz News (@FakeShowbizNews) May 23, 2021
This one is so absurd but so golden. Jessie J and an abattoir chain are two things that just have no right working in such perfect harmony. Fictional Jessie J being a tyrannical CEO of a pig slaughtering empire is so visceral and evil – always a laugh from me!
Emma Bunton being consistently dull
Emma Bunton says if you’re ever in New York you should go and check out the Statue of Liberty pic.twitter.com/Z6h0y12KVO
— Fake Showbiz News (@FakeShowbizNews) June 4, 2019
Emma Bunton says whoever invented the kettle was an absolute genius.
“I use mine most days,” she told reporters pic.twitter.com/fFIRiBib1F
— Fake Showbiz News (@FakeShowbizNews) December 15, 2020
Emma Bunton says it breaks her heart to see ‘vanilla’ used as a derogatory term.
“It’s a wonderful flavour and we’re lucky to have it,” she told BBC Radio Solent pic.twitter.com/zKUPCApUp3
— Fake Showbiz News (@FakeShowbizNews) April 25, 2021
The depiction of fictional Emma Bunton as that really boring mate of your mum’s that you bump into in the supermarket and have to listen to their crap small talk is too real.
*insert literally anything* VS. Predator
‘Inbetweeners vs Predator’ to hit cinemas on 23 June pic.twitter.com/kscqluDLwC
— Fake Showbiz News (@FakeShowbizNews) May 15, 2021
‘The Royle Family vs Predator’ to hit cinemas and streaming servces on 18 December pic.twitter.com/McHA4EV7fk
— Fake Showbiz News (@FakeShowbizNews) December 6, 2020
Release date of ‘Girl With A Pearl Earring vs Predator’ delayed to October due to coronavirus pic.twitter.com/BZEOCWpTrI
— Fake Showbiz News (@FakeShowbizNews) April 13, 2020
Jokes aside, I’d literally pay to see all of these.
Olly Murs being a bit thick
Olly Murs admits he couldn’t begin to explain how magnets work pic.twitter.com/caenWNatvr
— Fake Showbiz News (@FakeShowbizNews) December 29, 2019
Olly Murs admits he has no idea what his pronouns are pic.twitter.com/9lDmuB0xI2
— Fake Showbiz News (@FakeShowbizNews) January 25, 2021
Olly Murs admits he always thought Hong Kong was in Japan pic.twitter.com/clFJb56fRB
— Fake Showbiz News (@FakeShowbizNews) August 13, 2019
Simple but efficient comedy. No shade to Fake Olly, but these don’t feel too far fetched really.
Kylie Minogue being uncharacteristically furious and negative
Kylie Minogue says it fucks her off when cunts don’t move out of her way when she’s spinning around pic.twitter.com/bjN3SUTIJh
— Fake Showbiz News (@FakeShowbizNews) August 24, 2020
Kylie Minogue says she can already tell today’s going to be dreadful pic.twitter.com/LaZcwIEzLN
— Fake Showbiz News (@FakeShowbizNews) May 31, 2019
Kylie Minogue calls for the return of public hangings.
“It would send out a strong message and would also be fun to watch,” she said pic.twitter.com/iCQ8F1nv49
— Fake Showbiz News (@FakeShowbizNews) July 28, 2019
These are so funny because real Kylie is an absolute angel on earth – a ray of sunshine and a national treasure. Fake Showbiz News Kylie is a borderline sadist.
Rochelle and Marvin 🙁
Rochelle Humes tells Marvin he needs to do more round the house. He says he’ll start by drinking lots of beer to make more space in the fridge but she tells him it isn’t a laughing matter pic.twitter.com/6ulJa71HaF
— Fake Showbiz News (@FakeShowbizNews) June 7, 2020
Rochelle Humes says it’s a good job Marvin isn’t in charge of looking after the Pfizer Covid vaccine as he’s left their freezer door open overnight TWICE in the past two weeks.
Marvin says it only happened because she was rushing him to do other stuff pic.twitter.com/VoRfuTpgOm
— Fake Showbiz News (@FakeShowbizNews) January 7, 2021
Rochelle Humes asks Marvin if he’s phoned the plumber yet about the problem with their en-suite but he says he hasn’t had time.
Rochelle says well that’s interesting seeing as he found time to make some changes to his fantasy football team and order some fancy beers online pic.twitter.com/aayvCjhWds
— Fake Showbiz News (@FakeShowbizNews) December 13, 2020
Marvin Humes reveals Rochelle is annoyed with him this morning because he was browsing his phone while she slept last night and a video started autoplaying really loudly and woke her up.
“I’m in the doghouse again,” he sighed pic.twitter.com/0Jah7Zki4i
— Fake Showbiz News (@FakeShowbizNews) February 20, 2021
Rochelle Humes tells Marvin he’s not rinsing the plates enough before putting them in the dishwasher.
He mutters to himself it’s starting to feel more like a dictatorship than a marriage pic.twitter.com/5cSRPgCzJx
— Fake Showbiz News (@FakeShowbizNews) June 28, 2020
Rochelle Humes asks Marvin if he washed his hands after handling raw meat and he says yes of course he did.
She says what hand soap did you use then and he says the bubble gum flavour one but she says well that’s funny as it ran out three days ago pic.twitter.com/75tKwqTpFO
— Fake Showbiz News (@FakeShowbizNews) May 8, 2020
Poor, poor, poor fake Marvin and fake Rochelle Humes. In real life, they have one of the happiest marriages in showbiz.
In Fake Showbiz News land, all is not well. But GOD, it’s comedy gold.
Follow Fake Showbiz News at @FakeShowbizNews on Twitter.