Why are students getting drunk and jumping into hedges all of a sudden?
We’re calling it hedging. That’s not sexual, right?
Listen, we've all done some weird shit when we're drunk. We've all got terrible one night stand stories, we've all woken up fully clothed/naked aside from the socks which are still on (no?), at least one item of council property has made its way into your student house, now sticking out like a filthy traffic cone would stick out anywhere other than the roadside.
Clearly, that's not cutting it any more. Now. students are jumping into hedges when drunk. Hedging, it's got a nice ring to it. But why?
I'm sure people have been plunging themselves into hedges since the dawn of hedges. But only now has it become a viral trend, like Planking, the Harlem Shake, or not liking that Kony fella very much. But the question remains – why? Why now?
Through a series of videos and in-depth analysis, I, like a man trying to straddle all three of the Match of the Day punditry seats, will attempt to understand the phenomenon of grown adults, the future of this country, jumping into hedges.
Exhibit A: Man with girl on his shoulders plunges them both into a hedge
In our first piece of evidence we see a young man, quite tall, with a girl on his shoulders, thus making himself even taller, jump into a hedge.
Heaven knows, that girl, she got dressed up for the evening, heading out into town for a few drinks, put on her make up, wore a nice outfit, she felt strong and empowered and comfortable.
That young lad, he threw on that shirt over a t-shirt because, well he's a lad at university and that's what they do, probably put on a little deodorant and some hair product. They both felt good about themselves. Did they know then that they would both end up in a hedge at four o'clock in the morning?
Did she suggest to him, "hey, wanna put me on your shoulders and throw me into a hedge"? Did he suggest to her, "Hey, wanna get on my shoulders and let me throw you into a hedge"? Either way, at least one of those people asked one of those stupid question, and the other person SAID YES.
Are they friends or are they shagging? If they're friends, that is brilliant. Well done uni for bringing everyone together.
But…if they're shaggers, did the hedging only serve to spark the fires of lust, heading back to their accommodation, kicking the pizza boxes to the side, ripping the clothes off each other, one of them says "fuck, I loved the way you threw me into that fucking hedge"/"I loved the way you let me throw you into that hedge".
In short, the only explanation is that students are horny for hedges now. That's it.
Exhibit B: The fixed camera angle fish-dive
This piece of evidence starts off like a Vine – camera pointed at a shot, someone runs out of nowhere and does something stupid. Classic Vine premise.
Only one question I have to ask, your honour – for the purpose of the video, one person had to stand back, set up their phone to record, whilst the other person prepared themselves to run – and not just run – but run straight into a hedge. So my question is this – did the person jumping into the hedge say "hey, wanna video me jumping into a hedge?", or did the person videoing the hedge jumping say "hey, wanna let me video you jumping a hedge?" Fuck. Knows.
But they knew what they were doing. They knew they were part of a trend.
Exhibit C: The double-dip hedging
Right, so. In this we have a young man in jeans and a hoodie, he takes a run up, he jumps, he fucks it up completely, he slides down off of the hedge and onto the floor, before exclaiming "that's fucking pathetic".
He has another go. This time, after a lengthy run up and a stretch, he lands it and just sort of lies there, spread eagle on to the hedge, just flat out on the hedge, arms and legs akimbo on the hedge.
Imagine looking out of your window, it's three o'clock in the morning, you hear a strange noise outside of the window, you go to check it out – there it is, just one lad in a hoodie and jeans, spread eagle on a hedge, whilst his mate films him. Absolute primetime entertainment.
A question now for the man behind the camera who tells us, like the narrator, "that looks so comfy". Mate, it's a hedge, is it really going to be that comfy?
And what about the guy who is making himself comfy on the hedge? Why is he pleading with the guy behind the camera, "Charlie"? Who is this Charlie? Is he forcing people to jump on hedges? Is that a kink? Is it the guy from the first video who is quite clearly horny for hedges? Guys, if you take anything from this article, please let it be this – don't let others peer pressure you into jumping into hedges.
Exhibit D: Too Hedge, Too Furious
"Charlie" of the previous video, cameraman to his friend's leap onto a hedge, is now in front of the camera in a Tarantino style twist. I'm assuming these videos are connected, because why wouldn't they be? IN what sort of fucked up coincidence do two separate videos exist in which two people called Charlie are involved in jumping into hedges? What are the fucking odds of that happening and not being connected? Jesus Christ.
Why are you jumping into a hedge whilst wearing a suit? You're gonna ruin your suit there, mate. Fucking ruin it. It's a hedge, you'll get leaves in your top pocket, one of the branches might rip it, the hedge might be wet and in turn get your suit wet, and dry cleaning is expensive my friend if there's anything untoward in that hedge too. Who knew there were risks jumping into hedges.
Anything for a viral trend.
The laboured conclusion
So, students are jumping into hedges. No one knows why, I don't know why, do they know why? Who knows. Is it cool to jump into hedges? Do we all have to do it? Will we all, one day, end up jumping into hedges when drunk? Is this like when Apple Watches came out and everyone said they wouldn't buy one and they'd flop and now loads of people have Apple Watches? Someone help me, please, before I do something stupid and throw myself into a hedge.