From all-nighters in the ASS to alpine skiing: Welcome to the Bristol Winter Olympics

The Milano Cortina 2026 Winter Olympics are coming to a close this week, and we’ve so far seen cheating confessions, condom shortages, and gold for Team GB. 

However, if the Winter Olympics were to take place in Bristol, the competition would be a hundred times more exciting. Here’s how it would go down.  

The locations

Bristol’s natural hilliness makes it an ideal spot for all sorts of downhill sports. Pair this with the bags of snow that accumulate on a night out, and we’ve got the perfect setup. 

One of the main arenas would have to be the Avon Gorge. The cliffs already have smooth slopes that would be perfect for ski jumping. Athletes won’t be disqualified for bad jumps, but will instead face a worse forfeit of falling into the murky waters of the River Avon and drifting off to Newport. 

Of course, we would have to make use of Bristol’s long and steep hills. In particular, Whiteladies Road would host slalom, where athletes must ski downhill whilst dodging drunk freshers on their way to Steam. 

Sled sports such as bobsleigh, luge and skeleton would take place on the never-ending circuit of the Downs. Challenging points in the course would include: Getting stuck behind a U1, being hit by a stray football and sinking into five-foot-deep mud. 

The events

Alongside the classics, Bristol’s Winter Olympics would see some new events added to the competition. 

In the first event, Speed House Viewing, athletes are in groups and must race to secure their second or third year house. Violence amongst students is encouraged when two groups want the same house. Scoring is based on four categories: time taken to secure the house, price, walk to campus in minutes, and number of black mould spots on the walls. 

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In the second event, simply called Thekla Queue, athletes must stay in line on the Mud Dock until the last man is standing. The conditions are wet and sub-zero, and you’re slowly getting more sober. Instant elimination occurs if you leave to do a wee and cut-ins will be punished, severely. 

The final additional event is titled ASS All-Nighter. In this sport, athletes race to complete their essay, due at midday tomorrow. However, obstacles will be put in their way. They will first have to race to find a seat, of which there are not enough for every competitor. Then they will find themselves sat next to a series of antisocial neighbours, including but not limited to: Someone who sighs every 20 seconds, a very loud gum chewer, two people having an extremely loud conversation, and someone with the flu. 

The mascots

Cheering us on from behind the stands would be Bristol’s iconic mascots – JJ and Jason Donervan. Known as “the people’s protein powder”, these two generations of kebab legends would stand at the finish line of every track with a cheesy chip wrap and mozzarella sticks in hand to spur our athletes on.

Jason Donervan trucks would be stationed outside every arena for hungry fans to get their kebab fix, whilst Banksy would be commissioned to spray paint JJ’s face on every wall in the city, to spread some extra joy and motivation.

JJ and Jason were selected as mascots after a rigorous international mascot bidding process, only narrowly beating out a pickled rat and the lady who voices the U1.

The ceremonies

The opening ceremony for Bristol’s Winter Olympics will be hosted in the Beacon due to the cold weather. Bristol’s finest acts will be invited to perform, such as Massive Attack, IDLES and Portishead. For the rest of the ceremony, teams will enter one by one to the ambient lull of a drum and bass track. Finally, an Olympic torch lit from the bonfire at Turbo Island will mark the start of the games. 

For the closing ceremony, everyone will celebrate in La Rocca. Cheesy pop will blast out as competitors become friends. If we’re lucky, the occasion might be marked by the appearance of a low-profile TikTok star or forgotten Love Islander. 

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