The Lancaster Tab’s go-to pub crawl route

As it is a new term and dry January is moving to a close, you may well be struggling to remember your preferred routes for trying out new bars, clubs, and routes.

We are always being told (or telling ourselves) it’s a new-year-new-me mindset to start the year off right. What better way than to try out a new pub crawl route?

Don’t worry, we have you covered, we created a scientifically curated route to achieve the best night out, with all the vibes, what you can expect, and misadventures accounted for, obviously.

 Spoons

We must start our night in a lavish, luxurious establishment, only fit for society’s elite: Spoons. Surviving off of a student loan means taking full advantage of cheap drinks at the beginning of the night to get you going.

From pitchers to a classic vodka and orange, Spoons has you covered and, by starting there at the beginning of the night, you will hopefully avoid the sauna-level heat generated by a jam-packed Spoons post-11pm.

 The Cornerhouse

Next stop: Cornerhouse. It’s in here that you will bag 20% off drinks when you show your student ID and 50% off if you’re a part of a society sponsored by Cornerhouse (on Wednesdays).

Not to mention, you’ll hopefully have enough liquid courage in the system by now to hop on the karaoke and secure maximum (self-inflicted) hangxiety for the following morning.

Molly O’Malleys

Then, you follow the course to Sugar (an inevitable final destination).

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Walking 30 seconds down the road from Cornerhouse, we prescribe a stop at Crafty’s successor: Molly O’Malleys. It may not be Paddy’s Day but you’ll certainly feel like it is! In here, you’ll grab a bar barrel or take to the dance floor.

Now, depending on your friend group, this will be the stop where one of your mates pulls or dooms you to holding their hair back over a toilet bowl for the rest of the night… maybe both! (Been there, done that).

 Greens

The next stop is obvious: Greens. The precursor to Sugar. It’s in here that you’ll dip your toe into club-like waters, invading the dance floor and mouthing to the DJ “Play Mr. Brightside!” for half an hour straight.

This is where you will acquire a new best friend in the bathroom, make a blood pact and then proceed to never see each other again. It’s a necessary ritual. It’s a compulsory step on this itinerary.

Sugar

Finally, your night can begin: it’s Sugar time. You have inevitably forgotten to get stamps beforehand and have consequently forfeited a queue jump. This is canon.

As you shiver in the line, asking the rugby society why they are dressed in nothing but speedos, your mate realises they have left their jacket back in The Cornerhouse… They abandon their jacket; you’re too far gone.

Finally reaching the Sugarhouse doors, you’re anointed with a stamp and make a beeline for the main room.

This is where all your dreams come true: an accidental elbow to the face here, a spilt drink there. But in reality, the stench of a BO-ridden Freddie Mercury boogying next to you (it’s a Wednesday) doesn’t matter because you and your friends are only focused on giving John Travolta’s character in Saturday Night Fever a run for his money.

 Worked up an appetite…

Now, we end our night in an ambiguous position, standing at a crossroads: if you live in town, McDonalds or kebab shops will be your final pitstop.

However, for those of you who live on campus, Sultans will be calling your name. Our cherished Mr Sultan will equip you with a bottle of water, your food of choice and send you on your way.

It is only after grappling with your door key, face covered in ketchup, that you will be able to safely say that you have followed the Tab’s ultimate pub-crawl route.

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