Poisoners, musicians, and murderers: Your Durham college, your Barbie villain

I – with extensive research and consideration – allocate you a Barbie villain based on your college. Strap in for a nostalgic blast from the past and prepare to be roasted x

Chad’s: Lydia, Barbie and The Diamond Castle (2008)

Much like Lydia, I associate your villainy with music. While she can turn people to stone with her flute, Chad’s piano (as a prior liver-in) also has astonishing power over its inhabitants and visitors (although the two reactions differ quite dramatically). Musical prowess is irrelevant; flute = piano = Chad’s. End of.

Ustinov: Raquelle, The Barbie Diaries, (2006)

Although you’re often forgotten or discarded amongst the colleges due to your postgraduate population, you’re really the o.gs, older than most other students. For this reason, I allocate you arguably the most iconic Barbie villain, Raquelle (specifically from The Barbie Diaries, a forgotten gem amongst the Barbie classics due to its different animation style but one of the oldest).

South: Gothel, Barbie as Rapunzel, (2002)

Pretty self-explanatory – you’ve been allocated Gothel because you’re about as geographically isolated from the rest of the colleges as Gothel’s tower is (although the tower is about 100x more aesthetic than your accommodation, sorry.) Also, much as Gothel enchants her tower to make it invisible, your exact location is hazy to me (aka I wouldn’t be able to find you without Google Maps).

Collingwood: Prince Philippe, Barbie in the Three Musketeers, (2009)

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With a reputation as the sporty college, it made sense to match you with the most agile of Barbie villains, the treacherous yet talented with a sword, Philippe. You’re also MASSIVE, like A) the ego on Prince Philippe and B) the ruff he is always seen wearing. I’m sure you’d be fencing pros.

John’s: Eris, Barbie in a Mermaid Tale, (2010)

An unexpected comparison, perhaps, but John’s and Eris have two key similarities (a bit abstract maybe but hear me out) – 1. The vertically challenging space of the John’s bar is reminiscent of the dungeons which Eris sends her subjects to in rage – claustrophobia is the punishment you wreak on your enemies.

Castle: The Mouse King, Barbie in the Nutcracker, (2001)

Secretly, you’re all hoping I allocate you Preminger – I hate to disappoint, but much like the aspirational and unlikely daydreams of a castle bedroom straight out of Pinterest, reality hurts. You give major Mouse King energy: not quite royalty, although constantly wishing you were. Sorry!

Cuths: Tika, Barbie as the Island Princess, (2007)

We’ve all seen the meme. There’s something unnerving about Tika, the diva with a freaky face who, with hindsight, is so attention-seeking she becomes the villain of the film. I’m not saying you have freaky faces… but there is something not quite right about you taking bailey college status and then exiling half your students to goodness knows where.

Hild Bede: Preminger, Barbie as the Princess and the Pauper, (2004)

Every Hild Bede-er I’ve met is a lethal mix of sass and fashion: two words which perfectly encapsulate the most (recently!) iconic villain of them all, Preminger. Of all the many Durham colleges, you are the one I can visualise most clearly doing the How Can I Refuse? dance (you know the one).

Van Mildert : Laverna, Barbie Fairytopia : Magic of the Rainbow, (2007)

This might be a basic comparison, but the villainous Laverna weaponises water to defeat the fairies, spraying them with mist (in the first Fairytopia film). Her punishment is toad-om (she has a whole song about it, It’s Hard Being a Toad) – something closely aligned with Van Mildert’s lake. If Laverna lived in a Durham college, purely practically speaking, you’d share a home.

Mary’s : Henna,  Barbie: Mariposa and Her Butterfly Fairy Friends, (2008)

Deceptively gorgeous on the outside, Mary’s gives the same vibe as Henna, the two-faced and deceiving villain who pretends to be Mariposa’s friend. At surface level, Mary’s is stunning… but this quicky stops when you reach the weird prison-esque corridors buried underground which are uninspiring and – if I remember correctly – almost creepy. Odd.

John Snow: Rowena, Barbie in the 12 Dancing Princesses, (2006)

If I’m being mean – but honest – I nearly forgot about you. Similarly, I couldn’t really remember the villain of this stunning Barbie film: everyone is too busy picking which of the 12 sisters they are to remember Rowena, the would-be murderer. That being said, if I’m being nice, I can spot architectural parallels between your courtyard and the incredible flower tiles in this film.

Josephine Butler: Myron, Barbie Presents: Thumbelina, (2009)

Again, I’m relying on architectural design in this parallel – you’re notable for your great big hill, which almost hides your accommodation from view. This is giving big Myron energy, destroyer of landscapes… there’s something strangely clinical about your hill, and I feel like Myron would approve.

Hatfield: Dame Devin, Barbie in a Princess Charm School, (2011)

If I were feeling nice, I’d have allocated you Delancy, who has a redemption arc – however, I’m not, and maybe I’m stereotyping but you give ruthless and rich, so you get Dame Devin, the murderer who constantly tries to secure her daughter’s inheritance of the school and royalty. Who can match her vibe but you, Hatfield?

Aidan’s: Rothbart, Barbie in Swan Lake, (2003)

Maybe this is counter-intuitive, but I allocated the ultimate bird man to the college that seems really far away (and has far far FAR too many steps). Congrats, you can now get everywhere more quickly… the only downside is you’re really sinister and actually, LITERALLY, turn into a half-bird, half-man amalgamation. Sorry!

Trevs: Wenlock, Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus, (2005)

Trevs is another college which feels far away, mimicking the journey Barbie has to go on to save her parents. At a more basic level, Trevs is also architecturally rather strange, consistently made of the same material, which aligns with Wenlock’s villainous power- to turn his enemies to stone. A bit of a reach maybe but you don’t have to agree with my logic.

Stevo: Queen Ariana, Barbie as the Island Princess, (2007)

By this point, I’ve run out of options a bit, so I’ve gone back to the actual planned antagonist of the Island Princess, Ariana. She’s got pet rats (fitting, considering that half of Durham’s wildlife seems to live outside your accommodation) and lands in a pigsty after her carriage wheels fall off (wheels = Stevo).

Greys – Jacqueline, Barbie in a Fashion Fairytale, (2010)

Fashionable, mysterious and kind of intimidating: you’re a perfect match with Jacqueline, the Parisian designer who kidnaps flairies (a rare villain with a redemption arc, astonishingly).

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