The honest ranking of Edinburgh nightclubs (from someone who’s spent way too long in them)

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2 days ago

Let’s not lie to ourselves. If you’ve lived in Edinburgh for more than five minutes, you’ve either been dragged out to one of these clubs or ended up in them by accident at 1am, half-sober and fully in denial.

I’ve lived through the worst of Hive, seen things no one should in Subway, and yes, I still went back the next week.

Here’s your definitive, deeply unqualified ranking of Edinburgh’s most iconic (and infamous) nightclubs.

Bongos

Vibe: Sweaty warehouse rave with a PhD in basslines
Best For: Techno heads, edgy alt kids, people who own more than one pair of flares
The Truth: If you’ve never stood outside Bongos at 2am listening to a girl in fishnets cry about her ex, you haven’t lived. The music is objectively good, if you’re into the kind of repetitive bass that vibrates your soul.

Be warned: if you come in jeans and a North Face, you will be judged.
Rating: 7/10 for the music, 6/10 for the humidity.

WhyNot

Vibe: Champagne-popping, Love Island-core chaos
Best For: Edi students who never grew out of the Pollock party phase
The Truth: You know what? WhyNot isn’t bad, just filled with underage high school students who don’t know their alcohol tolerance. Expect lads in open shirts trying to impress you with a £300 booth and girls walking the line between club and catwalk.

Bonus points for a bathroom that feels like a spaceship and a smoking area that makes the night out.
Rating: 8/10 if you lean in, 4/10 if you’re sober.

Liquid Rooms

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Vibe: Big club energy with commitment issues
Best For: Sweaty men who’s only goal is to take you home, themed nights, getting lost in the stairs
The Truth: Liquid is the club equivalent of a toxic ex: Chaotic, loud, and occasionally amazing.

Half the time you’ll find yourself dancing to DnB remixes of ABBA with a VK in each hand. The other half you’re stuck in the wrong room wondering where everyone went.
Rating: 7/10 (but only if you survive the bathroom queue.)

CC Blooms

Vibe: Glitter, gays, and a bit too much Dua Lipa
Best For: Drag fans, post-Bongo’s afters, or screaming in unity
The Truth: CC’s is what Subway thinks it is. It’s got heart, decent drinks, and a crowd that’s usually half students, half older gay men ready to adopt you. You’ll either make new best friends or end up crying in the toilet with someone you met 30 seconds ago.
Rating: 8/10 (especially if you’re tipsy enough to dance like no one’s filming.)

Subway

Vibe: Hit or miss
Best For: The girls, the gays, the theys, and no one with standards
The Truth: Subway is less a nightclub, more a rite of passage. It’s the only place where cheap vodka cokes, an ancient disco ball, and a remix of Break Free can somehow form a religious experience.

It’s always packed with sweaty students scream-singing Carly Rae Jepsen like it’s gospel. You will lose your dignity, your debit card, and possibly your voice. And yet? You’ll be back next Tuesday.
Rating: 7/10 — 10/10 if you’re in the right mood, 2/10 if you don’t understand the hype.

Dropkicks

Vibe: Irish pub blacked out and woke up as a club
Best For: Soc socials, spontaneous chaos, and “just one pint” lies
The Truth: No one chooses Dropkicks — it simply happens. The floors are sticky enough to steal your shoes, the music swings between ABBA and aggressive chart remixes, and the karaoke? A rotating cast of drunk regrets you’ll 100% see on someone’s Snapchat story the next morning.

It’s overcrowded, under-ventilated, and somehow you’ll always run into your entire tutorial group (and your lecturer).
Rating: 6.5/10 – points deducted for the floors alone.

Cabaret Voltaire (Cab Vol)

Vibe: Sweaty basement rave meets theatre kid energy
Best For: People who own a film camera and judge your music taste
The Truth: Cab Vol is trying very hard to be cool, and depending on the night and the company, it can actually pull it off. You’ll hear underground techno one room over from hyperpop, and the whole place smells like vape juice and commitment issues.
Rating: 5/10 but don’t make eye contact with the guy in the turtleneck.

Freddy’s

Vibe: Hive’s (slightly) classier cousin
Best For: A confusing mix of sixth years with fake IDs, stag dos, and townies
The Truth: Freddy’s exists in that weird club limbo. The queue is full of school leavers on their first night out, in high heels and PrettyLittleThing, the music is a random TikTok playlist from 2021, and the average age inside is alarmingly low, yet somehow also alarmingly high with the mix of freshers, staff nights out and hen-dos.

It’s never your first choice, but never quite bad enough to be your last. Drinks are cheap, music is passable, and the crowd is highly unpredictable.
Rating: 4/10 (at a push)

Coco Boho

Vibe: Identity crisis with disco balls
Best For: Tourists, tourists, and tourists
The Truth: Coco Boho is trying so hard to be everything, and ends up being kind of nothing. It’s pretty inside, but the vibe is off. It’s like someone designed a club entirely based on Instagram aesthetics without considering anything else.
Rating: 3/10 — looks good, feels like a wedding afterparty.

Kitty’s

Vibe: Club Penguin meets Year 13 afters
Best For: High school students pretending they’re in Euphoria
The Truth: Kitty’s feels like a sixth form leavers’ party that never ended. It’s filled with kids who definitely used to beg their older siblings for ID and are now necking tequila like it’s Ribena.

Rating: 3/10 — unless you’re doing your A-Levels, in which case: 10/10 night of your life.

Hive (Obviously)

Vibe: The mosh pit of an Avril Lavigne concert in 2003
Best For: Absolutely no one, but also everyone
The Truth: It’s legally required to mention Hive when discussing Edinburgh. You might not go anymore, but Hive lives in you. I have spoken to Americans who raved about Hive more than they did the castle, the Royal Mile and the Fringe.

The floors are wet, the crowd is feral, and the energy is half horror film, half fresher fever dream. If you’ve survived a Hive Tuesday, you’ve seen the face of God.
Rating: ???/10