Wednesday night warriors: What your Bristol Uni sports society says about you

Welcome, to the ultimate personality analysis. More accurate than the Myers Briggs, whether you’re clutching a hockey stick or pretending to understand cricket rules, your choice of extracurricular activity tells me everything I need to know to make an accurate judgement about your character. So, let’s dive into what your athletic allegiance really says about you, shall we? Spoiler: It’s probably not as impressive as you think.

Intramural football

You came to Bristol with dreams of making the BUCS team, oh, how naïve you were. You arrived at trial with 600 other boys, and 550 of you simultaneously watched your shared dreams of university sports fame and glory slip away. Alas, you proclaim that you never really wanted to make BUCS, and you’re much happier playing for an intramural team. However, your heart is still healing from the devastating realisation that you’ll never own a sports fleece or parade down Whiteladies on a Wednesday night in ill-fitting chinos.

You spend your Wednesday afternoons aimlessly scurrying around the downs, dreaming about the mystic Coombe Dingle, a place you only get to visit when you’re asleep. However, not being in BUCS won’t stop you from getting inebriated on a Wednesday night with the boys from your accommodation you made an intramural team with. You’ll give yourselves a predictable name along the lines of the “Harbourside Harriers” and claim that you’re loyal to the boys and love the brotherhood of your team. But you try out for BUCS every year in a desperate attempt to escape the clutches of intramural shame.

BUCS Football

Women: You are definitely cool, definitely well dressed and you have definitely been aware of the intricacies of the patriarchal society in which we live since you were six.

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Men: Fair play, you’re probably a decent football player. However, you are also probably devoid of a personality, a fun sponge if you will, and you don’t participate in fun buses nor socials. Instead, you spend your Wednesday nights in the murky Allstars Sports Bar sulking over the football results. I predict you have curtains or a performative mullet that is not a true expression of your soul, and that you owned a shell necklace during lockdown. You cry when you stub your toe.

Hockey

You are most likely to be spotted in La Rocca on a Wednesday night with a VK in hand, forcing a snakebite down the throat of an unsuspecting fresher. You definitely went to private school because for some bizarre reason charging around a field, purple in the face, wielding a wooden stick in a sort of gladiator-esque manor, is the height of sophistication. You thrive on chaos and find the violence of whacking a plastic ball across a pitch oddly cathartic (seriously, seek help). Your knees are a collage of bruises and grazes, and you have a treasure trove of gory stories about teeth getting knocked out on the pitch which you love to share with men who don’t appreciate the violent nuances of the sport.

The hockey men can be found at the Coombe Dingle bar referring to each other as ‘chaps’ and having clandestine socials on a Saturday. Tut tut.

Rugby

Men: It’s been so long since you’ve been referred to by your first name, it is but a distant memory to you. A reminder of a time when you meant nothing because you didn’t play rugby. Instead, you go by your last name (Smith to Smithy, Digby to Diggahhs etc etc) or by a name that alludes to an incident from Freshers’ that still haunts you. I don’t even want to know where “Merlin” came from.

You were devastated by the closure of Gravity, where on earth are you going to meet freshers now? You refuse to answer questions about your initiation, what happens in Alter-Ego stays in Alter-Ego. Also, you’re not cool and people don’t care that you play rugby.

Women: You are cool, and people do care that you play rugby.

Netball

Probably a BNOC, I predict that you are basic and blonde. A slick back, a plait and a red ribbon are as much a part of your netball uniform as the actual kit. You are a clean girl, a control freak, and you probably study psychology or geography, because the only thing more challenging than playing netball is colouring in.

Lacrosse

Which Surrey private school did you go to?

Tennis

Too posh for football, Daddy’s money has funded your membership at “the club” since you had the capacity to hold a tennis racket (you insist it’s a “racquet”). You are either minted, or genuinely the next Andy Murray. You have mastered the art of networking by inviting your victim to a “friendly”, you drink glasses of red wine at pres and think that Daisy’s is beneath you.

Athletics and cross country

A Strava/Park Run warrior, you just love arriving at your 9 am seminar and boldly announcing that you’ve already ran a half marathon this morning *aggressively shakes protein shake*. St Michael’s hill just does not phase you, in fact, you do your hills training up it. Rarely spotted on a Wednesday night, you prefer a Monday morning social run on the docks. You still wear the hoodie you got at the county championships when you were 14 and your biggest motivation of running a charity race is to get the t-shirt. (Performative activism who?).

Cricket

Who even are you? I would quite literally rather gauge my own eyeballs out with a teaspoon than watch a cricket match. I am deeply concerned about the psyche of those who elect to partake in such a dull activity.

Darts

I don’t know why you’re reading this because darts isn’t a real sport.