Talk to Tabitha volume four: Cheaters, choices and chicken

New year, same me! This week I’m dealing with your deadline disasters, dragging housemates so dumb it’s deadly, and dishing out demands.

Balancing Uni

“I’m currently trying to juggle deadlines and uni in January with actually having a life and failing. I have no idea how to find time for revising, writing essays and actually having fun and it’s so stressful. Help!” – Busy

Hi Busy!

Yours is the age-old question: Crisis or coursework? It’s such a tough call. There’s actually another element to your plate-spinning act that you’ve not accounted for, and that’s your self-care. I’m not talking about bubble baths and gel manicures, but practical things like doing your laundry, eating a nutritious meal and getting enough sleep. For me, when deadline season rolls around, there’s only space for two things in my day, and these self-care bare minimums are non-negotiable and have to take up one of the slots. If you subsist on instant noodles and don’t take that hot girl walk, you’re going to burn out completely. You won’t have any energy to put in a good shift at George Green, and pres won’t even be fun because your social battery will be in the red. You’ll start to get snippy with your friends and the workload will be totally unmanageable. Unfortunately, this time of year is all about sacrifices and at the moment you’re dipping into reserves you don’t have. Only you can choose which area of your life gets your attention right now, but if you don’t put yourself first, you’re effectively choosing neither. Nights out should be memorable for the right reason and your friends will still be there once your deadlines are met and your geese are in a row.

Catch you on the dancefloor when it’s all over,

Tabitha xoxo

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Cheating BF

“My boyfriend of many years has slept with another girl twice. He’s had stuff going on with her for years, but he admitted it and seems to have changed. My family all love him. Do I forgive him or is this a hard no?”  – SDJ

Hi SDJ,

Honey, if you’re writing to me with this question, you probably already know the right answer. While the timeline here is hazy – I’m unclear if his closeness with this other girl predates your relationship or began during the time you’ve been together. What is clear to me is that he’s betrayed you repeatedly for far too long.Don’t force yourself into acting laissez-faire and unbothered to avoid being called “psycho”. Suppressing your needs to maintain peace isn’t healthy. Believe me, you’ll never fully trust him again, and it will continue to worry you every time he goes out without you or takes a little too long to text back.  Regardless of how your family feel about him, their primary concerns, cares and affections should be for you, and they shouldn’t want you to stay with someone who could possibly even dream of treating you this way. Respect yourself, because he sure doesn’t respect you.

Sending all my strength,

Tabitha xoxox

Unhygienic Housemate

“I have a housemate who is super unhygienic. To give an example of the type of cretin I’m dealing with: They often will take out all their raw chicken thighs and cut them off the bone while sat on the sofa which is fucking vile. In addition to this, there is the standard not washing up after themselves and stuff like that. We have approached them about it numerous times but they don’t seem to care. What should we do?” – Anonymous

Yikes Anonymous!

I don’t know what the set up of your shared house is like, but the rest of you could collectively impose a ‘no food in the living room’ house rule but I guess this would also ruin the joy of lounging on the settee hungover eating cold pizza.  At this point, having already spoken to this person several times, good ole’ passive aggression is your only course of action. Spam the group chat with links to articles about salmonella. Commandeer an old Amazon box and pile their dirty dishes in it, then leave it somewhere they can’t avoid it- ideally right outside their bedroom door. If you’re feeling generous, buy them a packet of paper plates. Casually let them know that boneless chicken thighs already exist. A word of caution: If these tactics don’t do the trick, don’t up the ante, go straight to SU Advice. Your housemate needs to be reminded that you have responsibilities as tenants, and that includes not turning your couch into a biohazard. Crucially, you guys also have the collective responsibility of not completely alienating someone and making their home a hostile place.

Toe the line,

Tabitha xx

Boys not Men

“Was seeing this guy secretly for a bit from my halls and it ended mid year. All good. Then he starts dating my friend so I’m like ‘uh sure, go for it’. Two months later they break up for a bit cos he is too untrustworthy. Said guy gets drunk and sleeps in my room for the night and we have a kiss. They were broken up so it’s all good, right? No! Had people storm my room in the middle of the night yelling at me saying how disrespectful it is even when my friend was the one that decided to date him after I’d been seeing him and they knew about it. I now no longer speak to anyone from my block basically from first year and those two are now back together and living together after all that, but do they really know everything that happened that night he slept at mine??”- Firstyrantics

Dear Firstyrantics,

Unfortunately, “first year antics” do tend to dog us for the entirety of our uni experiences. Who’s right and who’s wrong is irrelevant, as in the court of public opinion you’re a boyfriend stealer and not a girls girl. It’s going to be too much effort to change how your old friendship group see you. Take the L, move on and find new friends who see you as the person you want to be seen as, and not the one-time slide-back you had with an ex. You’ve got an entire year and a half left of uni to make new friends and memories and it’s not too late to enjoy this stage of your life. To be honest, if this is what’s considered by this group worth ostracising a girl over, they sound so boring. You don’t want to hang around with people who would welcome the boy back with open arms but give you the boot. You can do so much better, but you also have to do better too. It’s a learning curve, but friends exes have to be a hard no; your friend shouldn’t have gone there in the first place either.

All the love,

Tabitha xoxo

All advice dispensed is to be taken at reader’s discretion. If you have something you are struggling with, please speak to a doctor or a professional. If you are experiencing mental health concerns please speak to someone, or call or text Samaritans on 116 123 at any time. 

Related articles recommended by this author:

•Talk to Tabitha: The Tab Notts’ Agony Aunt returns 

•Talk to Tabitha volume three: dating apps, money worries and housemate hell

•Talk to Tabitha volume two: Attraction, friends with benefits and getting over your ex