We asked ChatGPT to roast each uni sports society and the results are absolutely SAVAGE

The current trend of being absolutely roasted by ChatGPT is odd, to say the least. But there’s no denying it isn’t fun. If you’re a uni sportsperson and you’ve got this far unscathed, you’re about to get ripped to shreds in this savage ChatGPT roast of uni sports.

I would start by apologising to the rugby boys for what’s coming, but I don’t imagine there’s any reading. They probably know they’ll be getting it in the neck more than anyone. And fair enough, that’s part of the unwritten rugby boy covenant – you get to be as loutish as you like, and get up to whatever it is (shudder) that rugby boys get up to behind closed doors, and everyone else gets to make fun of you.

As for everyone else, don’t think you’ve escaped the scathing eye of ChatGPT, directed by yours truly. Read on if you dare: Here’s ChatGPT’s roast of every sports society at uni.

Rugby

via Unsplash

Of course we had to start with rugby. Because, well, duh. I won’t disclose whether or not I directed ChatGPT to be particularly ferocious on this one. You’ll have to guess how many times I read what the AI spat out,  and how many times I responded, telling it to go harder. If any rugby boys reading this are offended, I’m sorry. Or am I?

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Sod it, you deserve it lads, here’s what ChatGPT had to say: “So, you’re in the rugby society at university? How original. It’s like you took a personality quiz and got ‘human wrecking ball with the brain of a doorstop.’ Honestly, if your rugby skills were half as big as your ego, maybe you’d be more than just the team’s glorified punchbag. But hey, at least you’re consistent: Whether it’s on the pitch or in life, you’re always getting knocked down and staying there.”

Football

Moving swiftly on from that spot of verbal GBH, it’s onto football. For football girlies, I can’t hate on you (though ChatGPT might), because it’s giving Bend It Like Beckham in the best way possible. For lads – if you’ve chosen football as your sport, you may as well buy a massive sign saying; “I have literally zero personality”, because that’ll have the same effect. Ya boring.

Here’s what ChatGPT said: “So, you’re in the football society at a British university? Wow, how groundbreaking. It’s like you took a look at every single lad with no personality and said, “Yes, that’s the life for me.” You probably think you’re the next big thing, even though the closest you’ve come to a professional contract is playing FIFA in your student digs. I’m sure your weekends are filled with deep, intellectual pursuits like shouting at a TV screen and picking fights with anyone who supports a different team.”

Netball

In terms of being the pick for dullards in need of a personality transplant, netball is the female equivalent of football. Goal shooter? Clearly being interesting wasn’t one of the goals you were shooting for.

ChatGPT said: “Let me guess, you think you’re the queen of the court because you can throw a ball through a hoop? It’s like you took a sport designed for PE lessons and decided to make it your entire personality. You probably think you’re an athlete, but let’s be honest—netball is just an excuse to prance around in a skirt and pretend running in small circles is exercise. The only thing more inflated than the ball you’re tossing around is your ego, and even that’s barely holding air.”

Hockey

via Unsplash

I’ll be honest, if you do hockey – you’ve got some respect from me. Hockey, at least from the outside, seems like a hard sport. But, if I’m being honest, the thing I admire most about hockey players is their willingness to look stupid wearing one of those horrific mouthguard things. If a sport requires me to look that idiotic to take part – then I won’t do it.

The AI said: “How thrilling. You picked the sport that combines the finesse of a sledgehammer with the grace of a traffic accident. You must really enjoy running around with a stick, trying to look intense while actually just smacking a ball like it owes you money. And let’s not forget those matches where you spend more time on the ground than on your feet—if there’s one thing hockey teaches you, it’s how to fall down with style. Your obsession with hockey probably started because it’s the only sport where you can wear a mouthguard and pretend it’s a badge of honour. You might think you’re tough, but we all know the real reason you’re in it is for the post-match drinks.”

Basketball

If you’ve played basketball all your life, then that’s fine by me. But if you’re looking to pick up a new sport, or reinvent yourself at uni, and you pick basketball – then get a grip. Who do you think you are? Also, on behalf of everyone, please, please, stop trying to show people your SoundCloud profile at pres before we all die of cringe.

Other to ChatGPT: “You’ve basically picked the sport that lets you pretend you’re the next NBA star while barely managing to dribble without tripping over your own feet. You must really enjoy spending your nights chasing a ball around, hoping that one day you’ll actually make a shot worth bragging about—because let’s be honest, your highlight reel is about as impressive as watching paint dry. Your idea of being a “baller” is probably wearing overpriced sneakers and quoting motivational quotes from players who’d laugh you off the court. You’re in the basketball society because it’s the only place where you can inflate your ego to match the size of the ball, even though your actual skills are about as sharp as a soggy biscuit.”

Futsal

There’s nothing I, or ChatGPT, can say about people who play futsal that they don’t say to themselves into the mirror every morning. You’re only playing futsal because you couldn’t get into the football team. Imagine not being good enough at the sport that is the most popular in the world, literally for the sole reason that anyone can play it. Couldn’t be me.

ChatGPT said: “That’s adorable—you’ve basically joined the knock-off version of football because running for 90 minutes was just too much for you. It’s like you thought, ‘How can I take a real sport and make it even smaller and less impressive?’. Futsal is basically football for people who prefer playing in a glorified gym class where the goals are tiny and the stakes are even tinier.”

Badminton

In the same way that futsal is just football for the chronically untalented and unwanted, badminton is there for you if you’re one of the rejects of the racquet sports world. If you play badminton, there is a 100 per cent chance you’ve tried tennis or squash at some point in your life, but you were just a bit too rubbish.

The AI said: “The only thing lighter than that shuttlecock is the amount of respect you get when you tell people you’re in the badminton society. But hey, at least you’ve mastered the art of pretending that what you’re doing is more than just an elaborate warm up for a real sport. While you’re busy perfecting your ‘smash’ that barely makes a sound, the rest of us are just waiting for you to realise you’ve joined the sporting equivalent of a limp wristed handshake.”

Rowing

I’m not a rower – thank God. I literally cannot imagine staring at a teammate’s sweaty back for hours and hours and hours while I do literally the same single movement over and over again on a rowing machine, all the while seriously questioning ripping my own ears off to escape the whiny noise of the machine working. Once, you’re out on the water, you escape that horrible noise. But you know what you don’t escape? Staring at your mates sweaty back three inches in front of you. No thanks.

ChatGPT said: “So, you’re in the rowing society at university? How riveting. You’ve basically chosen the one sport where you get to sit on your backside and pretend that repetitive arm movements count as impressive athleticism. You’re probably convinced that waking up at ungodly hours to freeze your arse off on a river makes you some kind of disciplined hero, but really, it just makes you the human equivalent of a metronome—back and forth, back and forth, accomplishing nothing except a few extra blisters.”

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