Enough is enough, here’s how to stop being attracted to boys who’re horrible to you

You know the drill. For some ungodly reason, everybody seems to be attracted to people who are nasty to them: Days left on read. Not a date in sight. Leaving post-shag in the middle of the night. Yet, we lap it up. We pine for more. And the second anyone treats us with a shred of human decency— it’s a certified ick.

Hate to break it to you, but this behaviour is toxic. The bad boy allure simply cannot continue. This intervention is for your own good, promise. And we’ve roped in an expert to ascertain exactly how we can stop being attracted to booty calls who don’t care if we live or die. Yup, the horrible hot people have to go.

Help, why am I attracted to people who’re mean to me?

The appeal of people (specifically men) who’re trash is alarming and widespread. Since the birth of the app, women have taken to TikTok to share the worst behaviour they’ve endured in relationships, situationships and during one-night stands. From cheating to manipulation to just plain childishness, what so many of us will put up with seems seriously bleak.

And according to Match’s dating expert Hayley Quinn, this can be down to love bombing and breadcrumbing affection in the early stages of dating: “Often it’s because the start of the relationship was ‘perfect’; perhaps they showered you with compliments, swept you off your feet and you felt like you’d never experienced a connection like that before,” she says.

“Then when the relationship then begins to sour, and they withdraw that love and affection it can be easy to feel like it’s a result of you not being good enough, rather than an indicator of the ‘real’ them in relationships,” she adds.

“The change from being adored to scrutinised by someone we admire will often provide a strong incentive for a lot of people to actually try harder at the relationship, rather than walking away. The irony being, the more you accept someone being withdrawn, dismissive, or cruel to you, the more it sets a precedent for them to continue to interact with you this way in the future.”

And, how can I stop fancying total and utter arseholes?

Ultimately, shitty relationships (however serious) are essentially an addiction. You’re pining for attention and validation from that person and, when you get it, you feel so amazing you forget about or are willing to overlook all of their bad behaviour. You can shake off that pattern, but it’s not easy.

Step one: Don’t get drawn in by drama 

“It may take time to retrain yourself to gravitate towards different qualities in a partner,” says Hayley.  This might mean that when you meet a new partner you feel less of an initial spark, or that the relationship progresses at a more slow and steady pace.” Aka, more stability less love at first sight. Great.

Step two: Know your worth and take things slow 

“However, remember the importance of showing yourself love before, and as well, as showing love to a partner,” she adds of going slow with someone new. “Ultimately there’s more than one way that you can fall in love with a person, so next time around make sure it’s how they treat you on an ongoing basis, not a strong first impression, that makes you fall for them.”

Related stories recommended by this writer:

• If you see any of these items in a boy’s bathroom, run and never look back 

• If you see any of these items in a boy’s room, leave immediately

• Being ‘fizzled’ is the new ghosting, here’s what it means and the difference between them