11 obscure asexuality identities you probably haven’t heard of

Because every day is a school day

2 years ago

Did you know that there are even more sub-identities under the asexual umbrella? Jo Andrews told The Tab: “I know some people dislike labels but personally I love them. I find them really valuable tools to communicate ideas and identities quickly and simply.” Here’s a rundown of 11 different types of asexuality – because, yes, there’s more than one.

1. Greysexual and Greyromantic

Being grey means that a person generally experiences either rare or limited attraction to people. This could be related to a number of factors including mood but is often spontaneous and random. The attraction that greysexual and greyromantic people feel might also be weaker or more ambiguous than others. It can be more difficult for grey ace people to realise what they’re experiencing is a form of asexuality.

“For me, there wasn’t really any difference other than feeling more reassured about myself when I identified as a grey ace,” 20-year-old Hanna from Malaysia told The Tab. “I think one thing that I haven’t quite grasped is that being ace means I am part of the queer community. For some reason, I’ve always considered myself just an ally. Not sure if that’s internalised homophobia [sic] or a whiplash of ace erasure.”

Hanna

2. Demisexual and Demiromantic

If a person is Demi, they can sometimes experience attraction but this is only once a deep emotional bond has already been formed. There is no universal measure for this bond and all Demi people might have different ways of defining it. Hanna from Malaysia says, “I think for me it clicks when someone gets my humour but it’s a whole lot better when someone understands why I don’t like certain things and gets my social cues.”

Sarah Farina added, “It’s all about trust and connection. I don’t feel physical attraction or sexual feelings unless I’ve established a good connection through talking and getting to know one another on a deeper level. I can’t do casual relationships or one-night stands. Believe me, I’ve tried.”

As a demiromantic person, I have only felt romantic attraction once I had the chance to develop a strong connection with a person outside the romantic gaze. In other words, I got to become close friends with them first and that evolved into a deeper and slightly different type of relationship that felt not entirely like friendship. Tinder and dates don’t give that bond time to form outside of the romantic sphere. This means that, for me, a partner I felt romantically attracted to would only come from someone I had already had the chance to bond with.

Beth

3. Apothisexual and Apothiromantic

Apothi means a repulsion towards sex or romance. Asexuals who are sex or romance-averse differ from those who lack attraction because they have no desire to engage in the act at all. Asexuals and aromantic people may still have sex and relationships.

Asten from Ipswich described sex repulsion for The Tab: “When I imagine myself having sex, I almost feel sick. Until recently, I didn’t realise in some forms of penetrative sex that the penis actually goes inside you. The thought of anything going up there makes me feel a bit queasy. I won’t even use tampons.”

Asten

4. Aceflux and Aroflux

This identity means that a person’s orientation fluctuates throughout the asexual spectrum. This could be related to mood, partners, hormonal cycles, or be totally random. It’s natural for human sexuality to fluctuate through a person’s life but some people choose to identify with this label rather than come out each time or if their orientation changes a lot.

From London, Sara Noya spoke to The Tab about what it’s like being aceflux. They said: “I don’t find sex as something fundamental to being happy or fulfilled in life. Over the years, I have heard some people say that being aceflux is similar to not feeling in the mood, I don’t agree with this perception as that implies that you do feel sexual attraction on a normal basis which is definitely not what being ace is about. For me is more like most of the time I’m sex-repulsed or indifferent. But occasionally I will find myself experiencing some attraction that I would say falls more on the demi spectrum, it varies, it’s not constant and had me very confused for a long time because I couldn’t put myself into just one box and felt like there was something wrong with me.

“Following with this sexual attraction or desire, I feel it varies in strength but whether it’s a weak or strong desire, it’s still something I might consider depending on the person. I do feel I have to make the distinction that I find myself experiencing more aesthetic attraction than actual sexual attraction whenever I’m in these, what I call, attraction positive phases.”

Sara Noya

5. Fraysexual and Frayromantic

Fray people are sometimes considered the opposite of Demi people. This is because they typically experience a weakening or disappearance of attraction once a bond is formed.

Leanne from the Sunshine Coast, Australia told The Tab about their experience being fraysexual. They said: “With every partner I have had, sexual desire fades after approximately three months. Relationships eventually end because of it. It’s difficult because I fall in love and know it’s going to end and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.”

Leanne

6. Requiesexual and Requieromantic

As discussed in Five things asexuality does mean and five things it definitely doesn’t, being asexual is not about being broken or the by-product of trauma.

That being said, Requie people may use this label if they believe their lack of attraction is due to their trauma. This could be a bad experience, mental health-related, or emotional exhaustion. Some people also use the term Caedsexual or Caedromantic if they used to experience attraction before a traumatic moment or exhaustion but are now asexual.

7. Aegosexual and Aegoromantic

These are people who enjoy the idea of sex or relationships but don’t wish to participate in practice. They might also feel a disconnection between themselves and the object of their attraction.

Kim told The Tab they identify as Aego because they feel arousal or desire when they’re reading but never imagine themselves as a participant. They said: “I have little to no desire to perform any of the acts I read about.”

Kerry from Bristol added, “I was looking at an article possibly on AVEN (the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network) that was listing all these subdivisions. There was a bit about being sexually attracted to fictional characters and it just struck a chord. Then I was thinking about it more and I realised the times I had been attracted in that way to real people they were always totally unattainable so there was never any chance of actually doing anything.

“The times I have engaged in stuff with partners I’ve always tried to mentally distance myself as much as possible from the situation. Either by imagining it’s someone else or that I’m someone or somewhere else.”

Kerry Green

8. Akoisexual and Akoiromantic

Often considered the opposite of Reciprosexual, Akoi people may experience attraction but this is weakened or disappears once it is reciprocated. People who identify with this label may enjoy the idea of relationships or sex in theory but don’t enjoy them in practice.

This identity is also widely known as Lithosexual and Lithoromantic but this has been argued to have been appropriated from the lesbian community.

“I experience strong attractions and connections to people but purely on a mental level of ‘look but don’t touch,’” a student, who wished to be known as KTB, told The Tab. “I think I have always been wired that way, I just didn’t realise it,” they said.

9. Quoisexual and Quoiromantic (aka WTFsexual)

For some asexual people, deciphering their own feelings of attraction can be difficult. After all, you can’t prove a negative and sex education is hardly known for providing information beyond the bare minimum. Quoi people are ace or aros who are unsure what type of or how much attraction they feel. They might use this label when they’re not sure how else to define themselves or because they prefer it.

10. Reciprosexual and Recipromantic

Unlike Akoisexuals, people who are Recipro feel attraction only once they’re confident it is reciprocated by the other person.

11. Cupiosexual and Cupioromantic

Finally, similar to Aegos, Cupio people also enjoy the idea of sex or relationships but do also desire it in practice. Unlike Demi people who feel attraction once a bond is formed, Cupios often never feel attraction but still enjoy a relationship or sex.

“I have no sexual attraction or desire but I’m not repulsed by it and I want a romantic relationship,” says Hades Tilly from London. “Even though I have no sexual attraction, I still feel romantic attraction so, instead of seeing someone and thinking about what I’d want to do to them in the bedroom, I instead imagine what they are like as a person, what similarities we have, etc. I desire romantic affection like cuddling and kissing, I just have no desire for sex due to lack of libido and attraction.”

Hades Tilly

McKenna from Alberta told The Tab: “Once I’m dating someone, I know that they generally expect things like sexual activity. In my mind, I end up associating sexual activity with romance despite not feeling sexual attraction. I think, ‘I’ll show this person I enjoy dating them by being sexual with them.’ While I have no attraction, I still participate in the activities. I enjoy the romance of relationships, like holding hands. I can still experience the love and I like the feeling of loving someone and being loved by someone.”

McKenna

Labels can be important to individuals and these sub-identities within the ace umbrella are some that have been used by the community to help them understand themselves and each other.

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