Run and Hide: The runners are out in Bristol and they’re coming to get you

With the looming presence of the Bristol and Bath half-marathons, we have reached the scariest season of the year: the season of the runners. The sun comes out, the running shoes are on and they’re off into the distance, grinning with optimism and leaving you behind to wallow in their youthful energetic dust.

Don’t be disheartened, though. Take delight in the knowledge that a workout jam won’t dominate your Spotify Wrapped and you’ll never be that coursemate gloating about their pre-9am 5k.

Whatever your feelings are towards running before your twentieth birthday, there will come a time shortly into your twenties when there is an important decision to make – to run or not to run? That is the question. Here I propose a guide to surviving something far scarier than a hungover trip to Cabot Primark, a guide to surviving a housemate with the dreaded running bug.

1. Seek shelter

There’s safety in numbers. Phone a friend and ride out the running storm in style. Hide out in a local coffee shop or sunny pub garden – a much better use of the lovely March weather I might argue. Soon the summer heat will stifle their running plans and you will be able to return to business as usual, unhindered by the sounds of pattering feet and heavy breathing. I promise there are other options to save you from the clutches of this running epidemic. Dare I say Zumba is on the cards?

2. Don’t show signs of weakness

In moments of deadline stress and exam slumps, the runners will try to entice you out of the house for a “light jog” in the spring sunshine. Whilst it is tempting to abandon the coursework in favour of an adventure outdoors, do not be fooled, once you start, you’ll never stop. They’ll promise a runner’s high, but the only thing really guaranteed is a twisted ankle. There are plenty of other ways to leave the house during these trying times. Go for a walk with a friend, grab a coffee or hoover up a pizza on College Green for all I care but remember that running is never the solution.

No, I don’t know how many steps I’ve done today and I’m okay with that.

3. Play dead

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If you expressed intrigue at the thought of a run last July, good luck hun, you’ll be sure to continue receiving invitations to the run club from here until eternity. Any small sign of interest will be taken as an answer in the affirmative. I would hate to be dramatic, but they can sense your fear and will use all persuasive tactics available to get you off the sofa. My advice, if you’re ever approached, is to stay completely still, politely decline and exit the room as quickly as possible, leaving no space for misinterpretation.

P.S. Don’t be drawn in by the promise of a post-run coffee – it’s probably a lie and you wouldn’t want an overpriced oat flat white sat in your sweaty shorts anyway.

4. Know when it is acceptable to run

Whilst running should be kept to a minimum, there are instances when there is a need for speed.

Socially acceptable times you may run include:

• Zigzagging down Park Street towards OMG
• To make barricade for Black Sheep Monday
• Away from your first-year situationship in Clifton Down Sainsbury’s

Give me two months and a minor academic crash out and it will probably be me out on that early morning jog. But until then, stay safe out there.

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